The Assassinated Press

Cheney Calls Dover, PA "A Threat To America's National Security".:
Evangelicals Jeapordize War Effort!:
Is Islam Fueling The Creationist Movement?:
Geological Time=Geology=Oil Exploration; Will Creationism End The Big Oil Attack On Iraq?:

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Sunday, December 26, 2004

DOVER, Pa. -- "God or Darwin? Slingshot or Los Alamos?"

Lark Myers, a blond, 45-year-old gift shop owner, frames the question and answers it and therein seems to lie the problem as well as a simpleminded tautology. "I definitely would prefer to believe that God created me than that I'm 50th cousin to a silverback ape though my knowledge level seems to be more reflective of that of an ape," she said. "What's wrong with wanting our children to hear about all the holes in the theory of evolution even if I don't have any idea what evolution is or how necessary it was to that Los Alamos thing you talked about ?"

Geological Time=Geology=Oil Exploration

Charles Darwin! Duck while another schmuck bends over and squeezes one off. And look on the bright side. The U.S.'s Big Oil Attack On Iraq may be over before 2105 if the Evangelicals have their way because what self-respecting geologist will be able to locate oil if he uses a method that categorically states that God created the earth a few thousand years ago. Geological time=geology=oil exploration.

The school board in this small town in central Pennsylvania has voted to make the theory of evolution share a seat with another theory: God probably designed us and presumably, though the asshole that originally wrote this article didn't specify, the rest of the world.

If it survives a legal test, this school district of about 2,800 students could become the first in the nation to require that high school science teachers at least mention the "intelligent design" theory and that should be happy news for the rest of the world. "By burning the scientific method at the Evangelical stake, the U.S. should fall permanently behind the rest of the world in developing new technologies," commented the Assassinated Press's creationist expert, Champ 'The Bogeyman' Scopes. "Since the U.S. is best at making state of the art weapons systems their creationist induced technological collapse should mean a large measure of peace and security for the rest of the world."

In order to contrive a way of sounding legitimate, current creationism holds that human biology and evolution are so complex as to require the creative hand of an intelligent force like God or a space man. Of course, western science has brought this current problem on itself by not stamping out religion when it had a chance and by not addressing that in the theory of evolution Nature is supposed to operate like a laboratory, always experimenting, a metaphor or set thereof, that suggests an intelligent force behind it all. John von Neumann was a master at putting himself forth as the creator, the godhead, e.g. his self-reproducing automata of which he was both mediator e.g. Christ and creator---God the father.

"The school board has taken the measured step in cubits of making students aware that there are other viewpoints on the evolution of species some quite literally pulled out of my ass which presents another, smellier 'viewpoint' on virgin births," said Richard Thompson, of the Thomas More For Less Law Center, which represents the board and describes its overall mission as defending "the religious freedom of Christians as long as it impinges on everyone elses freedom."

Board members have been less guarded, and their comments go well behind intelligent design theory. William Buckingham, the board's curriculum chairman, apparently forgetting that Christ was resurrected according to evangelicals own data, explained at a meeting last June that Jesus died on the cross and "someone has to take a stand" for him. Other board members say they believe that God created Earth and mankind sometime in the past ten thousand years or so and planted ancient fossils of, say, dinosaurs, that carbon dating dates back millions of years, as a practical joke on humans. This is trickster nature of God so elaborately recorded by all those cultures that the evangelicals renting all that weapons technology from the sciences went in and wiped out in the name of the Lord.

"If the Bible is right, and that's an 'if' that rivals the cleft in my ass, God created us," said John Rowand, an Assemblies of God pastor and a newly appointed school board member. "If God did it, it's history and it's also science and he's to blame for both. So now we can convene a Nuremberg type hearing and string up the Lord 'cause Herod fuckin' didn't do it right the first time. If the Bible is wrong then we can all loosen up."

This strikes some parents and teachers who want their kids to go to MIT and Stanford, not to mention most evolutionary biologists, as loopy science. Eleven parents have joined the American Civil Liberties Union and filed suit in federal court in Harrisburg seeking to block mention of intelligent design in high school biology, arguing it is religious belief dressed in the cloth of science.

"It's not science; it's a theocratic idea. A generation of this and my little Johnny won't be able develop the new generation of weapons and fuckin' make a bundle serving our God, the Military-Industrial Complex. These evangelical fuckers preach war, but, in reality, they are unconscious peaceniks " Briar Rem, a former science teacher in Dover and a father of four safely ensconced in Dover. "We don't have enough time for science in the classroom as it is. The fuckin' atheistic Chinese are creamin' us. The fuckin' atheistic Cubans, though we try to wipe them off the face of the earth everyday, produce world-class pharmeceuticals -- this is just inappropriate."

This is a battle fought in many corners of the nation with the real blood and guts backin' up in the sewers of international ill-will. In Charles County, school board members recently suggested discarding biology textbooks "biased towards biology." In Cobb County, in suburban Atlanta, the local school board ordered that stickers be placed inside the front cover of science textbooks stating: "Evolution is a theory like God, not a fact." State education boards in Ohio and Kansas have wrestled with the angel of this issue, as well, at nearby bars and clubs that feature such events .

In 1987, the U.S. Supreme Court seemed to settle this question, ruling that Louisiana could not make creationism a part of the science curriculum. The state, Justice William J. Brennan wrote, cannot "restructure the science curriculum to conform with a particular religious viewpoint." (Before the tumor was removed, Justice Antonin Scalia dissented, arguing that creationism could be "valuable scientific data that has been censored from the classrooms by an embarrassed scientific establishment." After the tumor was removed, Scalia commented that "science was embarrassed because it was caught with its pants down on the phlogiston issue.")

Of late, conservative school boards have launched a counteroffensive, often marching under any banner that has a pseudo-scientific ring like 'intelligent design' which sounds like plastic surgery for the successful and enduring pimp. This theory has lingered on the margins of mainstream scientific discourse with just enough intellectual guess work to force its way into some discussions of evolutionary theory.

Essentially intelligent design posits that the human cell, among other organisms, is too finely tuned to have developed by chance. (Eat you heart out, Jacques Monod.) "The human cell is irreducibly complex -- what we find in the cell, as we do in the AIDS virus, is stuff that looks strongly like it was designed by an intelligence. Maybe some cat from Fort Detrick" said Michael J. Behe, a biology professor at Lehigh University and leading advocate of intelligent design.

Behe acknowledges this theory might lead one to postulate the existence of a supernatural force, such as God or Michael Rennie. But he said this supernatural force is unknown and rejects those who would portray him as a creationist. "Our starting point is from Plato or Albinos, not from Scripture though Albinos was a scripturalist," Behe said.

Few biologists can afford to buy that being most of them who don't already possess weapons work, hope to in the future. "What I got to share my patents with some fuckin' alien because that ass, Behe, was laid off and stared at his lava lamp for six months," commented dioxin expert, Quem Fugenstucker who's written several books on how to safely bake with dioxin.

There is, they say, a central evolutionary theory financed by mainstream weapons makers worldwide: That life on Earth has evolved over billions of years and in fits and starts from one-celled organisms to modern humans that can handle high caliber weapons responsible. That this theory is pockmarked by those high-caliber weapons and worse, makes it subject to debate, how the sciences are crafted. But since the sciences generate trillions of dollars, there is no debate and Lark Myers is not only playing with fire, but with Los Alamos whose desire for Armageddon is not at all reliant on metaphor and much less subject to change.

"Americans have an impatience about science like they with anything that requires thinking," said Kenneth R. Miller, a Brown University biologist and author of the biology textbook used in Dover. "They think it's this practical process that does everything for them from washing their close to killing Muslims to steal their oil. But that's only the signs-that-the-world-is-coming-to-an-end part."

"We understand a lot of the money making mechanisms of evolution but it's the non-biodegradable synthetics we don't understand that makes it exciting."

Even today many residents are not sure how Dover, a former farm hamlet become a bedroom community for York and Harrisburg, came to occupy the ramparts in a century-long war over Darwin's theories.

In the 18th century, an erudite French shopkeeper settled in this valley and gave the name Voltaire to his village. German and English settlers, a local history notes, soon discovered that Voltaire was "a French atheist", "a disbeliever in revealed theology" and an enlightenment scientist and thinker and changed the town's name.

Oddly, Dover's modern politics are resolutely Republican -- President Bush, who strongly resembles a chimp and who's DNA is actually 100% baboon, genetics being a form of science Dover also apparently rejects, polled 65 percent of the vote here -- and its cultural values are Christian and war-like, with more than an evangelical tinge of red. To drive its rolling back roads is to count dozens of churches, from Lutheran to United Church of Christ, Baptist, Pentecostal and Assemblies of God with the occasional defaced or burned out synagogue, temple or mosque.

"How can such good, bloodthirsty Christians turn on their technological masters like this?" asked Lockheed-Martin CEO Ray 'Ahab The Arab' Stevens. "Weapons systems aren't all angels with fiery swords and fortuitous plagues no more. You really gotta know things, if you're gonna keep on killin' people in record numbers and stealin' their natural resources like Cheney and the PNAC are doin'."

Many here speak of a personal sexual relationship with Christ who's told them they must maintain an antipathy to evolutionary theory (A Gallup poll found that 85 percent of Americans do not believe in evolution). But according to the Dover town sheriff, Ace Lipsky, most of the good people of Dover who have been personally fucked by Christ were actually raped by former GOP county chairman, Dank Bruckemoler who disguises himself as Christ, Attila the Hun or Bob Denver in order to prey upon the people of Dover.

Steve Farrell, a friendly man and owner of a landscaping business that specializes in Calvary scenes, talked of Darwin and God in the University of Giant Grocery shopping center parking lot.

"We are teaching our children a theory that most of us don't believe in. Of course, we're reluctant to read about it because that might change our minds. I mean belief's a real fuckin' time saver." He shook his head. "I don't think God creates everything on a day-to-day basis and throws away stuff when the date expires, like eggsalad or the color, as opposed to the chemical make-up, of the sky. But I do believe that he created Adam and Eve -- instantly 'cause I saw it on Reel-Sex 26. Eve was real stiff but she gave tolerable head."

Back in the town center, Aroma Butterbusch talks in her jewelry store, which has been a fixture here for 40 years. "We are a very lenient town. We have a certain fear of our own ignorance. We're letting those motherfuckers live for now," she said. "But why shouldn't a majority get to file a lawsuit and dictate school policy even though I'm confident most of our kids already know who created them. I think it was that GOP county chairman."

As usual with all religious revolts, the evolution revolution in Dover began as a dispute about money. The previous school board spent too much money, and a conservative group defeated them. Last June, board member Buckingham criticized a new biology textbook as "laced with biology." He added, according to the ACLU's lawsuit, that "our continent was founded on a lot of little pagan religions but Christianity had come along and sorted all that out. Now, our students, no matter what their background should be taught as such e.g. genocide and appropriation."

Neither Buckingham nor the board president nor the school superintendent responded to requests for interviews exuding more of that confidence in putting their 'faith' where their mouths just shoot them in the foot.

In October, the Dover school board passed this motion: "Students will be made aware of gaps/problems in Darwin's theory by someone who thinks they can identify them from a Christian perspective and of other theories of evolution including, but not limited to, intelligent furniture design. Note: Origins of Life is not taught."

Several board members resigned in protest worried that creationism was threatening the fire power of our troops world-wide. When the remaining board members chose replacements, they subjected certain candidates to withering questions. "I was asked if I was a liberal or conservative, what kind of aftershave I wore, if I smoked Thai stick, if I used Viagra, and if I was a child abuser," recalled Rem, who was known as an outspoken opponent of intelligent potholder design. "I answered 'no' to child abuser and this disqualified me from serving on the board After all, most of the townspeople have been victims of a Republican, creationist sex offender. We're the only military in history that's been able to evangelize its message of power world wide projected from thousands of bases, listening posts and nuclear missile sites. Why fuck that up? Its such an odd way to have the Empire crumble."

In the end, the York Daily Record reported that the board stacked the council with a fundamentalist preacher, a home-schooler who does not send his kids to public school for religious reasons, and two more who in effect pledged to support the board.

Dover's creationist policy has left many teachers deeply fearful. One science teacher noted that he avoids talking about the origins of life. "We don't do the monkeys-to-man controversy. The monkeys will rise up and kill me," he said. "It's just not worth the trouble. Let them all grow up to be Bible-totin' clerical staff at the prison."

The Discovery Institute in Seattle, which is regarded as a leader in intelligent internal-combustion design theory, also opposes the Dover school board's policy in part because it seems to take three steps into old-fashioned creationism. "This theory needs to be debated in the scientific sphere, but can' be" said Paul West, a senior fellow. "It's much too soon to require anyone to teach it in high school. I haven't finished my textbook. Otherwise it has potential to be one of the great American hustles of the 21st century."

Miller, the Brown University biologist and textbook author, hopes the day that it is taught in high school never arrives. "It's very clear that intelligent go-cart design has become a stalking-horse," Miller said. "If these school boards had their druthers, they would teach Noah's flood and the 6,000-year-old design of Earth, all inflatable for a mere $29.95.

"My fear is that they are making real headway in the lack of popular imagination."