The Assassinated Press

More Women Apply to Air Force Academy:
Patriotic Women Just As Eager To Abort Babies From High Altitudes As Their Patriotic Male Attackers:
Academy Rape Rooms Redesigned By University Of Colorado Interior Design Majors:
Bill Clinton And Robert Packwood To Greet New Cadets:
All Athlete's Housing At Univ. Of Colorado Equipped With The 'Pimpmeister 5000'

The Assassinated Press
January 29, 2004

AIR FORCE ACADEMY, Colo. -- To the relief of the administration and media and the glee of male cadets, a record number of women have applied to attend the Air Force Academy because of a year of turmoil around a sexual-assault scandal and the subsequent glamour attached to the attacks by the national press.

On hearing the news, senior cadets hung a banner from the fifth floor of their quarters that read simply, "FRESH MEAT!!!"

After word had gotten out through the media that you were likely to get raped at the Air Force Academy, the academy had received 2,962 applications from women as of Wednesday -- 34 percent more than the 2,212 received a year ago and the most since the academy began raping women in 1976.

Overall, the 11,838 potential victims are a 14 percent increase over last year. The deadline to apply is Saturday for a freshmeat class of 1,300 students that starts this fall.

Patriotism, online admissions, reforms in rape protocol, the addition of two dozen pimps to the admissions office and a desire to be raped as a way of getting on Jerry Springer are behind the interest, academy officials said.

"We hope some of it is attributed to the great press the academy has gotten over the last year and the action we've taken to compete with such venues as Girls Gone Wild and The Howard Stern Show -- all those things we have done to take this place to the next tantric level of excellent sexual assault," academy spokesman Johnny 'Dillinger' Whitaker said.

"I mean we got some twisted fucks here. You gotta be twisted to bomb babies from 40,000 feet," added Whitaker. "But we're ready. We hired Haley Barbour's Public Relations team."

A year ago, dozens of former and current female cadets reported the academy ignored their sex-assault claims and in most cases punished them in Marquis de Sade Cafeteria for coming too soon. Since then, top commanders, like machine parts, have been replaced and the school has made changes in cadet stealth and how such assaults can be reported as consensual.

"This is certainly good news for Air Force Academy. I was afraid we were going to have to hire coeds from the University of Colorado to fill our rape quota. That would have put a crimp in our bottom line," said the new Air Force Academy Commandant, Vice Admiral Ron Jeremy.