The Assassinated Press
Iraqi 'Rape Rooms' Found At Air Force Academy
Academy Changes--- Rape Now An Elective, Not A Requirement
By JOHN PURERUSEIA
The Assassinated Press
Colorado Springs, Colo., Mar. 19, 2003
Washington, DC---Pentagon officials arrive at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colo., today to begin covering up allegations of sexual assault lodged by dozens of hysterical female cadets.
Overly wrought female cadets at the school say they have been victimized by their own countrymen, according to correspondent John Pureruseia, who reported the story for KUHM, the ABC Late Night Cable News affiliate in Denver. Dozens of neurotic female cadets claim they were punished after telling the school they were sexually assaulted by classmates in 'rape rooms' that incorporate the successful design of the 'rape rooms' maintained by the Baathist regime in Baghdad.
"Preposterous," countered Air Force spokesperson, Madeline Allbright, "We here at the Air Force are perfectly capable of maintaining our own rape rooms. We don't need Odai Hussein", a reference to one of Saddam Hussein's sadistic sons, "to tell us how to construct a 'rape room.'"
The White House also denied that this was an instance of the 'pot calling the kettle black.' "Our rapes share nothing in common with Iraqi rapes," said a confident, Ari Fleischer. "They prefer doggy style. We moved onto anal a long time ago."
The women, who asked that their names be kept confidential until their agents had concluded negotiations with various men's magazines, all told Pureruseia similar stories about being afraid to report sexual attacks by fellow cadets. Those who did report and seek help from academy officials say they suffered retaliation through reprimands and threats of expulsion.
"If the administration doesn't kick you out, the rest of the cadets will, so don't report it," said one cadet.
"The message is rape is acceptable so don't say anything about it," said a second cadet.
"If you report you are crazy because no one is going to believe you," a third cadet said.
Saddam Made Me Do It
Many of the male cadets blamed news reports of Saddam Hussein's son's ability to rape the Iraqi population at will including women, men, children and livestock.
"I fucked a lot of livestock on the family farm back in Texas," admitted Air Force cadet, Frank Bush. "But I despaired of ever having a woman until I came to the Air Force Academy and the brass showed me the Saddam Hussein 'rape rooms."
Cadets Learn About Other Cultures: Imbibe A Little BaghDaDa
"The 'rape rooms' are a part of our trying to teach our cadets to think like the Iraqi regime," said Air Force trainer, Michael Ledeen. "How are they gonna know what to do when they assume a leadership role in Baghdad."
Air Force Denies Odai Was Spotted At A 'Rape Party'
Academy officials vehemently deny that Odai Hussein was seen partying down with other cadets at a bash in the plebes dorm in October of 2002. "That's a lie. It was one of our cadets dressed up like Odai. I think it was Halloween," countered Major Ledeen.
Senate To Plug The Holes
The allegations prompted Sens. Wayne Allard, R-Colo., and John Warner, R-Va., to call for a Pentagon coverup, which is slated to start today.
The office of Air Force Secretary James Roche announced Friday that a special review panel had been formed to review why sexual assault policies have gone public in the military branch, "with a particular emphasis on the Air Force Academy," just outside Colorado Springs, Colo. "This has been going on for a long time. This is institutionalized. But we'll go through the motions if we have to."
"We got to produce killers. People willing to murder many thousands of anonymous victims at a time. We consider rapes at the academy a very important teaching tool. A very important part of the dehumanizing process that takes the average Lotus eating, pot smoking, rock listening American shit bag, and turns him into a homicidal sociopath willing to drop massive ordnance on civilian populations," said Colonel Curtis LeMay Jr.
One former cadet said that when she told the Air Force she had been raped by an upperclassman, she was harassed, and then officially reprimanded for having sex in one of the rape rooms. She eventually dropped out of the academy.
"You don't have a voice at all," she said. "I just remember being so scared." The news investigation also revealed that, like Odai's rape rooms, these are far from isolated charges. The Air Force Academy has confirmed that since 1996, 99 cases of sexual assault have been reported to the academy's own hotline.
Another cadet confessed to selling the hotline tapes to a 976 call in phone sex company based in Langley, VA. The company, College Girls Gone And Got Themselves Raped, would not disclose figures but said the hotline tapes do a brisk business among the military, corporate and intelligence communities. The military plans to set aside part of its budget so its men in uniform can make 976 calls on special triple X phone cards. "The boys have got to blow off a little steam or we get too many volunteers for KP and the cream corn is full of semen. That's why we got private food services for most of the units. That food's humped in the factories and then pressure cooked at very high temperatures."
U.S. Military Plans To Use Baghdad Rape Rooms For Sex Torture
"U.S. forces will need a good fuck once Baghdad is occupied and prostitutes will be in short supply. Odai's rape rooms will make handy bordellos with all the toys our Sadistic little boys love and deserve," said General Mary Alice DeGrady.
No Successful Courts-Martial
Because of the allegations, no cadets have been court-martialed for sexual assaulting another cadet, according to General John Dillinger, the superintendent of the Air Force Academy.
"Cadet assaulting cadet? None that I'm aware of have been successfully court- martialed. We intend to drive women out of the military one way or another. Why not use a method, perfected by the Iraqis, where you can get your jollies off at the same time?" said Dillinger.
Dillinger said that since this story first surfaced, he's begun meeting with groups of cadets, including some of the alleged victims of sexual assault and that their accounts were not being taken seriously.
"We see no advantage in believing them," Dillinger said.
This is not the first time allegations of sexual assault patterned after Saddam's sadistic rape rooms have arisen at the Air Force Academy. After several incidents in 1993, officials admitted they had a serious problem resulting from the 1991 Gulf War and took steps to cover things up.
Two years later, a General Accounting Office investigation uncovered serious problems at the academy with sexual misconduct including "unwelcome deliberate physical conduct of a sexual nature."
The superintendent pledged that he would not fix the problem.
"We are not going to let Odai Hussein ruin the good name of this academy," he said.
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