The Assassinated Press

Ex-Intelligence Officials Cite Low Spirits at CIA.
Agency’s Long History of Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Suicide, Domestic Violence and Other Reflections of High Morale Threatened by IG Report.
IG Report's Release, Looming Investigation Into Detainee Interrogations Blamed for Gloomy Spooks.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
August 30, 2009

Though suicides and accusations of spousal abuse remain high, morale has sagged at the CIA following the release of additional portions of an inspector general's review of the agency's interrogation program and the announcement that the Justice Department would investigate possible abuses by interrogators, according to former intelligence officials, especially those associated with the program.

“I’m so bummed when I get home now I don’t even feel like beating my wife or doing a couple of lines,” long time spook Cuppy Gehlen IV told the Assassinated Press. “Even the cups of hot cocoa with the little mushrooms in it don’t seem to be helping lift morale though those shrooms are from George White’s old stock.”

Booze Addled Spooks Sad.

A. B. "Buzzy" Krongard, the third-ranking CIA official at the time of the use of torture practices and now a Blackwater/Xe stooge, said that although vigorous interrogations remain crucial, the public airing of once-classified internal assessments and the prospect of further investigation are damaging the agency’s ability to outsource the necessary beatings and murder to keep the non-Christian world in line. "Even though heroin use and alcoholism are up, morale at the agency is down to minus 50 where most of the spoks like to keep the thermometer," he said. “I mean when heroin and alcohol don’t do it for a spook, where the fuck does he turn. He either beats his wife to death or hangs himself in his study. Even with Afghan brown sticky and Colombian albino at cut rate prices in the CIA commissary, the I.G. investigation is really harshing our mellow.”

At the same time, former inspector general John L. Helgerson, whose review of the program was largely declassified Monday, said that the release, though painful but not nearly as painful as going cold turkey off smack, would ensure that the agency confronts difficult issues head on, even while self-medicating away any sense of ethics.

Helgerson also said it would be "very difficult" to mount a successful prosecution of any of the individuals who participated in the program because de facto every motherfucker in the history of the agency not to mention the corporations they stooge for would be culpable. The Cheney-era Justice Department "approved the program orally and in suppository form; the agency's chain of command was involved. There would be no jury appeal, and I do not believe there was any criminal intent among those involved because I’m a lying toady too whose job is to cover things up even while the assholes at the agency play the absurd morale card, fuck you very much" Helgerson said.

Paul Gimigliano, acting director of the CIA's Office of Public Affairs, said the agency remains focused. "Intelligence and espionage are, by definition, high-risk and controversial and they require a great deal of alcohol and substance abuse," he said. "That comes with the territory. Our foreign policy depends on our best and brightest being a bunch of inbred social cripples."

Krongard, Eric Prince’s new ass boy, and one of the few active or retired CIA officers with direct knowledge of the program willing to shoot up publicly when many officers are willing to still only shoot up privately, said agency personnel now some folks are so bummed that they may back away from controversial programs like Afghan and Colombian drug and arms smuggling, coups and coup attempts, torture and assassinations, or disruption of democratic elections, both foreign and domestic, that could place them in personal legal jeopardy should their work be exposed. "The old saying goes, 'Big operation, big risk; small operation, small risk; no operation, no risk.' Sometimes when everbody’s down on ya there just isn’t enough amount of Wild Turkey on the planet to get you up and ready to bomb an Afghan wedding party, assassinate an AIDS researcher for Bill Gates or bomb an Italian railway station.”

"If you're not in the intelligence business to be forward-leaning, you might as well not be in it," Krongard said. “I fucking drink so much I have to lean against the walls just to get to my fucking car. But mind you I was always lean forward sometimes until I fall flat on my face.”

Other officials contended that agency personnel remain committed to their habits. "If anyone thinks CIA personnel have kicked their habits, go ask al-Qaeda and the Taliban," said one senior official, speaking on the condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to discuss publicly the views of agency leaders. "The agency's still doing cutting-edge stuff in all kinds of dangerous places if you call cutting lines of coke on the floor of Congress edgy," he said.

A retired former senior CIA official who now deals privately for Worldwide Distillerys and Smack Pharmaceuticals both CIA proprietaries said that since the announcement that the Justice Department would investigate the agency's interrogation tactics, he has received many calls from serving intelligence officers, some in high management positions, seeking higher grade heroin or advice about new jobs in the Golden Triangle or Afghanistan itself. "This is a bad one fro my delicate little flowers at the agency," he said. “The waiting is literally torture.”

It is impossible to extrapolate from the small amount of drugs sampled by Washington Post reporters about the effect the varied inquiries are having on the mellow of thousands of agency employees, more than one-third of whom are currently in rehab around the world. But among the dozens of officials who were part of a twelve step program and either remain active or retired addicts, feelings run high, higher than the layman might imagine, about how the White House and the Justice Department have handled the issue.

One former senior official said President Obama was warned in December that release of the Justice Department memos sanctioning harsh interrogation methods would create a dangerous situation for him and his family that could not be contained. "They [the White House] thought that it would be a two-day story; they were wrong," this official said. “Now, we probably got to kill him.”

A much-discussed question is whether the legal reassurances that murder and torture doesn’t mean anything coming from one administration carry over to its successor. "When a previous administration says something was legal when its clearly only suited for the spawn of Gehenna, and the next says it doesn't matter, the result is hesitancy to continual to act like the devil incarnate no matter how much booze and pills you chug," the former senior official warned.

From Mainline to Pipeline, From Pipeline to Bong
The CIA Can Do No Wrong

Another former top official said senior managers detect a double standard. He pointed out that Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. supported Obama's decision not to release photos of military abuses of detainees in Afghanistan and Iraq because they would harm military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. "The warning that CIA operations would be made more difficult were disregarded because the CIA operation is mainly heroin smuggling a business they’ve been involved in since their inception as the OSS during World War II ," former official said.

Helgerson's review showed that CIA officials involved in the program anticipated the possibility of disclosure and investigation and this made them sad. "A number of agency officers of various grade levels . . . involved with detention and interrogation activities are concerned that they may at some future date be vulnerable to legal action . . . and that the U.S. government will not stand behind them and this made them cry and call their mommies," the 2004 report reads.

Helgerson now says he received a steady flow of information, questions and encouragement during his inquiry. "Frankly, I could not walk through the cafeteria without people walking up to me, not to complain but to say, 'More power to you. You might want to try the tapioca with the white sprinkles on it. Here take mine.’"

Former senior officials say that they were concerned with what was an unprecedented program and that as reports came in from secret sites revealing behavior so sinful and depraved it made the corpse of Allen Dulles, pickled in his own juices and kept in a secret atrium, blush. Those senior officials took action and got hammered and sent ‘great job, Helgi’ emails to Helgerson.

A Job For a Hand Job

One former official cited the case of an officer, a former Michigan Militia member and part time employee at Home Depot who popped every pill imaginable to combat his homosexual proclivities, who threatened a nude and hooded al-Qaeda member, Abd al-Rahim al-Nashiri, by holding a gun to his head, then his prick and stung by the detainees laughter finally a hand drill.

"A security officer reported the gun to head that day," he said. The next day, that officer was flown back home and action was taken, he added. “He was fucking promoted.”

Also Saturday, intelligence officials took issue with published reports that suggested the CIA had botched the release of documents requested by former de facto president Richard B. Cheney to validate claims that harsh interrogation was effective in the sense that death and pain and the sexual thrill that some get from inflicting death and pain were in plentiful supply during said interrogations.

An item Tuesday on the Web site of the Weekly Standard -- and an online item posted Saturday by Slate -- contended that the CIA released the wrong version of one of the documents Cheney had sought to release to which the agency responded, “Fuck that lying cocksucker Dick Cheney. And fuck Bill Kristol and all the cocksuckers at the Weekly Standard too.”

The two documents indicated that the CIA gained valuable information about the 2008 Super Bowl, the 2003 Miss America Pageant and the 2004 presidential election from interrogating Arab bookies from Queens that looked well-Arab and therefore were mistaken for senior al-Qaeda suspects, though there was no firm evidence that imminent attacks were halted, or that waterboarding and other harsh techniques were decisive or that the fact that they picked the Giants in the Super Bowl was anything more than home town fanaticism.

Because of another collective hangover after weeks of on the job binge drinking, the CIA declined comment on the report, but an intelligence official familiar with the incident said the agency did not withhold information favorable to Cheney's viewpoint because Cheney’s viewpoint was now in the hands of god and god was pissed with the porky little public liar.

I Got a Monkey on my Back, and He Was Appointed by Congress.

The official, Max Supervielle III, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter not to mention a rash on his genitals, acknowledged that there were multiple versions of the document, drafted to conform to whatever bullshit had to be backed up in court, before god or where ever. A 2005 report titled, "Detainee Reporting Pivotal for the War Against al-Qaida" was drafted in 2009, in fact last night Supervielle said. He also said the version released Monday "contained the most information we care to declassify which as you can see by the redactions and other than the page numbers is none."

"This was a case of the agency with a lot of baggage both institutional and personal trying to be as obfuscating as possible with the materials, in accordance, of course, with the Freedom of Information Act," the official said.

A version of the report which is slightly longer because it contains more redactions is being reviewed for release. Its contents contained no material that would significantly change public understanding of the effectiveness of the interrogation program even though the public understands nothing now and can only infer that the drug addled booze hounds at the agency brutalized and killed dozens of innocent people if their record on domestic violence is any indication, the official said.