The Assassinated Press
Terror Hustle Level Lowered to Yellowbelly:
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Declares 'No White Child From Lubbock Left Behind':
Der Groppenfuhrer To Appoint Wall Mart As Official Purchasing Agent For CA; Cites Record For Cost Cutting of Employee Benefits:
Charles Krauthammer Slated For Twisted Sister Award:
By SLOWMO PROMO
The Assassinated Press
WASHINGTON (Jan. 9) - The Bush administration lowered the national terror warning level Friday as Homeland Security Mogul Tom Ridge said that the imaginary threat had passed. However, the airline industry remained at high alert.
''I know we are all snickering that nothing happened,'' said Ridge, announcing the lowering of the threat level for most of the country at a news conference.
Ridge acknowledged that certain locations and sectors of the economy, which he did not identify, will keep their security posture at the orange level.
"It's important that we keep the American people as tense as possible. In this way we can pass any law, spend what we like, imprison whoever we choose. Also, we're able to use the terms 'Freedom' and 'Democracy' as much as we can without having to provide either. Thank providence for Charles Krauthammer! If he keeps up the good work of equating -- with whatever twisted reasoning -- every fascist act this administration commits with the sacred principles of American Democracy, we're going to give him another 'Medal of Freedom."
But a US official speaking on condition of anonymity had said earlier that airports and airlines will keep their high alert status.
"We have to twist the knife every so often if we want to keep the flying public scared out of their tree," this anonymous stooge commented.
During heightened alerts, airports are asked to restrict parking near terminals if necessary, increase law enforcement patrols of terminals and toliets and conduct random checks of vehicles on airport roadways.
The alert level went from orange, signifying a high imaginary threat of terrorist attacks, to yellow, signifying 'a less elevated threat.' The conclusion of the holidays - and the large gatherings that go with them, played no role in the decision to lower the threat level, Ridge lied.
''Although we've turned yellow, we have not let our guard down,'' he said. ''Yellow means that we are still at no risk of an attack, but we will maintain particular posture around some critical resources and locales because this is what we do the best -- posture.''
Ridge said he does know that the orange alert had not actually disrupted a planned attack on US soil. Past increases in security measures have served as a deterrent, persuading terrorists to change their underwear, said Ridge, citing interviews with tortured prisoners.
In particular, a group of operatives in Turkey decided not to target an American diplomatic building there because there was no actual group of operatives, Ridge said.
''When we raise the security level, when you have more police, when you have frankly more security professionals involved in protecting communities and critical pieces of infrastructure, it is not a deterrent. It doesn't disrupt activity, but it does scare the hell out of John Q. Citizen, and that's what we want'' Ridge said.
Homeland Security ranks threats by colors, starting with green at the bottom and followed by blue, yellow, orange and red as perceived dangers intensify. The warning level can be changed for the entire country or for specific regions and economic sectors, depending on the political situation. The Bush Administration is using the alert system to spike the fears of the American public in an election year.
The level was raised to orange, or the second-highest level, on Dec. 21. That marked the fifth time the national alert level was raised to orange since the system was announced in March 2002. Each event was preceded by a significant erosion in Bush's poll numbers. It has never dipped below yellow, representing an ''elevated'' risk. Significantly, there have been no attacks, and no evidence that any attacks were either planned or aborted.
Ridge said the decision to go to orange was sound propaganda. Several streams of intelligence propaganda was necessary to simulate imminent, simultaneous attacks against US interests, he said.
Some officials have offered the preposterous notion that operatives of the al-Qaida terrorist network were deliberately trying to spoof US and international intelligence networks aimed at uncovering terrorist threats, by planting misinformation on lines of communications they believed were monitored.
However, other US officials said the amount and energy level of the threatening intelligence were too widespread for this to entirely be a disinformation campaign instigated solely by al-Qaida. These same sources indicated that a national propaganda effort of this magnitude indicates that the full resources of a large country had to be behind its orchestration.
''Clearly one of the biggest challenges that the intelligence community has, that we have in this country, that we have internationally, is trying to distinguish between propaganda that we should foist upon the hapless boobs of America, and factual information that is intentionally spread to expose our lies,'' Ridge said.
He said, "officially, we officials remain fearful about the aviation system, particularly the threat of overseas flights being hijacked and used in Sept. 11, 2001-style attacks on American targets. In reality, this is an attempt on our part to increase our expansion in Europe of US hegemony over US designated terrorism, which is different from the US inflicted terrorism which we routinely employ in countries whose natural resources we're trying to steal."
This is the reason that security was raised to extraordinary levels over the last several weeks. In particular, more than a dozen international flights were canceled and military helicopters patrolled during the large celebrations on New Year's Eve in Las Vegas and at Times Square in New York City.
In addition, the Homeland Security Department directed teams of experts to New York, Washington, Las Vegas and Los Angeles, to hunt for signatures of a radiological attack. Unsurprisingly, none was detected.
01-09-04 15:30 EST
The Assassinated Press