The Assassinated Press

Washington Post: The World Bastion Of Imperialist Opinion:
Gen. Myers Calls Iraq's Insurgency's Success, U.S. Success:
*ROTZI ROTTER, That's Your name.
And Here Comes Trouble And A World Of Pain.*
Calls bin Laden 'Darkie Force Against Civilization':
Europeans Publicly Reject Osama Bin Laden's Offer But Privately Study Offer, Begin Talks:
Rumsfeld Says He Lied about Level Of Violence In Iraq, Prepares To Renew Active Draft:
In A Fit Of Desperate Projection Post Analysis Claims Bin Laden's 'Psychological Operations Campaign' Becoming White, 'Modern', Sophisticated Like His Betters In The West:
Tenet: "Paul Linebarger, Dan Mitrione, Ed Bernays And Ed Lansdale Would Be Proud." Families Of 9/11 Victims Will Have To Lead An Armed Insurrection To Get The Truth

The Assassinated Press
April 15, 2004

Baghdad, April 15---The chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff said Thursday that the deadly insurgency that flared this month is "a symbol of the success we're having in Iraq" and an effort to underwrite the country's transition to civil war."

Asked at a news conference here whether the military had failed to counter insurgents' attacks in Iraq, Air Force General "D" Is For Dick Myers said he wanted to underwrite several political charades, including the puppeteering of the Iraqi Governing Council, the purchasing of signatures for a bill of rights that's little more than a bill of goods accompanied by a bill of lading, and efforts by the despised U.N. to bail out Cheney and the PNAC so that it still looks like there is a transfer of power in Iraq even as the U.S. troop build up continues.

"I think its those shams which are driving the current situation. I smell blood in the water. Don't you? The Iraqis and the rest of the Muslim world over here see us as a rogue animal ripe to be brought down. I just hope and pray its not my blood I smell and I can distance myself from this Cheney gang as soon as possible."

"The people who live here see it as a test of wills, a test of resolve against those who believe in a free ride to the world's natural resources on the backs of their gullible, yet well armed citizenry against a regime like we saw previously in Afghanistan, e.g. the progressive socialist Najibullah, who the U.S. armed Osama bin Laden and the mujahedeen to fight and who they eventually murdered enslaving the population and oppressing women who even now do not have the rights they had before the American CIA began to meddle. Or a regime perhaps like we previously saw in Iraq that we propped up for decades as a secular and stabilizing force in the region. Perhaps, if Iraqis and others in the Middle East perceive what ahistorical nitwits we are, they see us quite rightly as vulnerable and lost unless we can lash out and kill indiscriminately."

In a similar white trash, the West is best way, Getta Priest and Waldo Punkass site "unnamed terrorism experts" as saying that Osama bin Laden's psychological operations campaign against the United States took a surprising turn toward 'vanilla' yesterday with the release of an audio message that is modern, tactical and nearly diplomatic in tone, and that addresses Europeans rather than Muslim devotees. "We thought they were incapable of learning, but this demonstrates they can take and adapt to their own ends one of the wests most subtle and insidious psychological terror techniques---advertising," said terrorism expert, Milo Upchuck. "Christ. What's next! Bulk mailings."

"Before we got to the Middle East, those fucks didn't even have numbers," chimed in CIA historian, Chaz Witlass the V. "We taught 'em everything. We taught OPEC the Clearance Sale. Inventory control. Bait and switch. Now, Osama is learning from the best. I'm mean an ass like April Glaspie double-crossed Saddam Hussein just over a decade ago. And now look what those brownies have learned."

Another terrorism expert, who refused to give his name, but said he was on loan from the Ivy Lee School of Public Relations and Massacre Cover-ups, expressed concerned that the current talk of the superiority of the Western mind reminded him a Ed Lansdale propaganda pomposity in Vietnam after his initial 'success' with Magsaysay in the Philippines. "After all. Luzon is still a hot bed of insurgent violence long after Lansdale killed Kennedy, walked off and died. After all these people have been around for a while. It might behoove you to think they know something."

"Ah, he's just gone soft in the melon," countered Witlass. "We're superior in every way, from the color of our skin to the quality of our game shows. Shit. My families been around for 5 generations and the house I live in is almost a hundred years old. I'd like to see some raghead whose lived his whole life holed up between the Tigris and Eupthrates top that."

The sentiment was echoed by Lt. Mike "Frag Me Once..." Ligouri, who passes the time licking the crotch of a naked Barbie doll. "Though I don't know shit from shinola, I grew them Iraqis when I thought this would be different mission, a lot of peacekeeping stuff. But then things changed, in Fallujah and our mindset changed, too. Now, the battle has reminded us we are here to win Dick Cheney some oil. Frankly, it lifted the battalion's spirits to be killing instead of waving and smiling. That's how fuckin' civilized; that's how goddamn superior we are."

Meanwhile, the always charming Secretary of State Terror Don Rumsfeld, who has taken to painting a single blood red tear below his right eye, said that he greatly underestimated the number of Iraqis he was able to have killed over the last year.

His remarks came during a Pentagon News conference at which Rumsfeld announced a three-month penalty in tour length for about 20,000 troops. "Sure its a penalty," scowled Rumsfeld. "Because the fuckers didn't get the job done."

Rumsfeld focused on his public expectations for Iraq a year ago. "If you said to me a year ago, 'Describe the situation you'll be in one year later,' I don't know how many people would have described it---I would not have because I would have been strung up by my balls by some group of honest Americans if such a thing still exists. None of you geniuses in the press noticed that I won the Assassinated Press Iraq Poll of last year which predicted just this outcome in Iraq."

Rumsfeld added: "I certainly would not have estimated that we would have had the number of individuals lost but until some of you get up enough balls to take me out, I'm going to keep using the flesh and blood of your children to enrich my friends and my cronies."

Only half over, April is the deadliest month so far in the war in Iraq reaching Vietnam level numbers with a fraction of Vietnam's U.S. troop strengths which peaked officially at 635,000. Gen. Myers was anxious to add that many times more Iraqi men, women and children had been killed. "We always kill 50 times more of them monkeys than they get of us even though we always give 'em home field advantage," the four star general added. "And when it comes to body bags we have just as much contempt for your sons and daughters as you have for the monkeys you think you're better than. That's the way the world turns. Love it or leave it."

At that point a transcript of a press conference with Robert McNamara and the media from 1965 was passed around.

"Mr. Secretary. Should you have sent more troops to Vietnam (Iraq) months ago."

To wit, McNamara turned to Major General Robert Taylor III who said, the deployment had achieved the right balance." Eventually, another million Americans would be rotated on the spit of Southeast Asia.

"I see there's good news for the Reds out there," said Rumsfeld. "Few of you in the press corps are openly fawning over me the way you used to. Fewer of you are striking the pose of a female baboon in estrus when I enter the room."