"Reason backed up by murder. That's your thing."---Kaye to Michael Corleone in Godfather Part II

The Assassinated Press

CIA Anxious To Scrub Hussein's Mind Of Any Knowledge Implicating The Intelligence Agency And U.S. Policy Makers In Murder Of Thousands:
Rumsfeld Says Agency To Control Interrogations, Report What Information Best Serves The Kleptocracy:
Richard Helms' DNA Matches Hussein's; Long Suspected Paternity Confirmed:
Toby Keith's 'Slurping Up the Ass Crack Of Mammon' Soars To Number One

Assassinated Press Staff Infections
Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Langley, Sub-Silo K8---The CIA, whose interrogation of al Qaeda leaders has produced a flow of irrefutable information verifying that CIA terrorist and torture techniques have been taught and are now practiced universally, will take the lead in questioning Saddam Hussein, Secretary of War Donald H. Rumsfeld said yesterday. "We don't know what the fuck he might say to disinterested parties. Christ. I was doing business with the guy for the Reagan administration about the time the CIA was showing him how to gas the Iranians. I don't want that shit to come out. Somebody might fine me a few thousand bucks," chuckled the congenial master of press corps paternalism. "The eggheads think there's some danger if the American people find out what the world already knows e.g. the bolts in Hussein's neck were forged in Langley. I tell them chill out. There's 8 more weeks of football and cute tail like Paris Hilton from now to kingdom come---pun intended."

When asked about the ubiquity of U.S. School of the Americas type torture and terrorist techniques, Rumsfeld answered, "We're number one. What can I say? We're number one. We do it better than anybody else."

Asked about the morality of being number one in the fields of torture and terror, Rumsfeld paraphrased former secretary of state and Dynamite Prize winner Henry Kissinger, "Foreign policy isn't looking up your secretary's knickers 24/7, now is it."

U.S. officials said that, as expected, the former Iraqi leader has been less cooperative now that he is being treated like an enemy rather than the partner in crime he had been for so many years. During early questioning he has not been available to provide truthful information about the Iraqi insurgency or weapons of mass destruction leading his CIA School of the Americas trained torturers to believe he's holding out for a book deal and maybe a movie contract.

Rumsfeld, who described Hussein as "resigned," said he asked CIA Director George J. Tenet to take responsibility for the interrogation because the agency has "the most to lose if their role in Hussein's crimes are made public. Its not a serious threat, but after the Church and Pike committees of the mid-seventies that revealed nearly universal felonious behavior by the operations section of the CIA, budgets were cut a bit. Those poor slobs in ops had to sell even more drugs to supplement their black budget as well as their off-the-shelf retirement fund." "We was like girl scouts peddling coke and smack door to door to raise funds," Tenet said, wiping away a tear punctuated by a suspicious sniffle.

Rumsfeld added, "The CIA has the competence in this area to appear so incompetent that people actually become convinced that the interrogation was just botched and didn't yield what it could have if say Michael Essany had run it, and certainly didn't implicate the U.S. government or the American kleptocracy in any wrongdoing. They have professionals in that area. Professional fuckups that can make murder look like a decimal point in the wrong place. That's why when they get caught red handed signing off on slaughter or running drugs on CIA proprietary aircraft, it all comes out like an Opie movie about a psychotic mathematician so stuffed with phony Hallmark card bathos it wins an Oscar and their contract agents at the Washington Post like Walter Pincass snicker away the evidence," he said. "We're bringing back former CIA Director George Bush Sr. to be the watchdog over the interrogations -- he has a great stake in the questions that'll get posed and the management of the information that flows from those interrogations. Shit. He had to take one for the Agency and play President for four years until our stooges in the press, congress and the courts could cool off Iran-contra," Tenet added. "Cootchie mama! The shit we did then...But we're still not doing bad. Look at this Iraq heist."

The CIA team, all former instructors at the U.S. Institution of Advanced Torture, the School of the Americas renamed the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation because its harder to remember, are operations officers who are professional organ thieves, polygraph/electroshock experts, state executioners, bureaucrats that liked to kill small animals as children and psychiatrists/manchurian candidate caucus leaders who have put together a loose torture plan -- a snuff script of sorts -- approved by headquarters that will help guide them in the agonizing months ahead, government sources said. It contains "what buttons to push to turn on the juice for the electroschock, to turn on banks of klieg lights and to rev up the CD player to blast Iron Butterfly hits until Hussein's ears bleed and he begs for 'A Mantovani Ramadan'" one U.S. official said, as well as a detailed, extensive list of questions, backed up with what the U.S. kleptocracy prefers to think is true about each subject area and designed to discern how much Hussein knows about felonious behavior in the Middle East and around the world by the U.S. foreign policy apparatus. "If we find out he knows too much, we garotte him right then and there. Cardiac arrest. The death certificate is already drawn up," said Rumsfeld.

"This approach has two purposes. One, to make it look like we are actually interrogating Hussein. And two, that we inflict enough pain and damage on Hussein and, like Manuel Noriega, drug him up so thoroughly that he doesn't implicate the U.S. kleptocracy in thousands of murders and millions of other crimes. Hey, I kinda like that. 'The pain on Hussein falls mainly on his brain---through the soles of his feet and his balls,'" Tenet chuckled.

CIA interrogators will be joined by sadists from the Defense Intelligence Agency and FBI agents who recently arrived in Iraq mainly to aid in covering up U.S. bombing and other U.S. crime scene investigations. "We've covered up more heinous shit and with our alliance with this mass murderer and with the help of the media I'm certain we will succeed again. I mean no American wants to hear that we're as bad as say, the French, or the Burmese military," Tenet added. "They like Opie's version of things, even if its utterly delusional."

The interrogation of Hussein offers the United States a tremendous opportunity and challenge. U.S. officials hope to extract information while at the same time keeping their role in the crimes hidden from public scrutiny. "If any of the shit gets out about us and Hussein," it'll be Frank Church and John Tower time all over again. You think we had that carcinogen thing down for Jack Ruby. Just try us now, baby.," beamed an obviously confident Tenet. A document found when Hussein was captured has already proven useful, officials said. "So we burned it."

The questioners will also focus on broader concerns. Some war cabinet officials, in particular, believe Hussein has information on the U.S. international terrorist network or NATO, the Norsemen Allied Terrorist Organization..

Complicating the interrogation is the prospect of a trial for Hussein for numerous traffic violations in and around Baghdad. U.S. officials and others said pressure to begin legal proceedings to collect fines from Saddam and suspend his driver's license could force torturers to move more quickly than it will take the scars to heal. "He might talk. It might begin with a simple jaywalking incident and end up with the U.S. supplying the chemical precursors for poison gas to Hussein to use against the Kurds and the Iranians," Tenet said. "Our prosecutors are already moving to limit the permissible scope of Hussein's testimony if he is called into open court. Of course, we also have the option of just killing him if such a scenario seems likely. You know. Like we did Bill Casey."

Experts on intelligence interrogations said giving the CIA the lead reflects the wide range of information the United States hopes to conceal from the public, and that it extends beyond information implicating the Agency in Hussein's butchery to the role of directing it..

CIA experts, Rumsfeld said, "know the needs we have in terms of continuing our terrorist policies, they know the threads that have to come up through the needle head and which ones should be suppressed." He said turning the questioning over to the Agency was "a three-minute decision, and the first two were for hot coffee. The third was who's face to throw an extra cup into, the latino janitor or the black window washer." "Just a little sport to break the tension," Rumsfeld quipped. "We scalded the janitor. Welcome to America, wetback. Wanna go to Iraq and get your guts ripped out for us white devils, amigo? Give old Donny a good laugh. Eh, Che?"

John Rothrock, winner of the Dan Mitrioni Cup---of Blood Award For Meritorious Eye Ball Gouging and a former combat interrogator for the Air Force who later sliced up Soviet defectors for the CIA, said that the torture likely would follow the same prescribed course that has been discussed and practiced for decades.

"First, we beat the crap out of him. Then we set a table on his chest with one leg right over the sternum and a 300 pound agent dances the hokie-pokie in a long red, silk chemise. I don't know why the chemise. That's just the way its always been done since we borrowed the technique from Hoover. Then we would likely begin with a set of voltage meter "control questions" for which -- unbeknownst to Hussein -- U.S. officials already have determined correct voltages, he said. If Saddam gets 3 questions out of 5 correct, he's told he has just won a weeks all expenses paid vacation for two to Guantanamo Military Base within a mortar shot of the U.S.'s favorite socialist paradise under siege spared a second invasion because it has no oil. Since Hussein has been given all the answers years ago by his CIA handlers, correct answers would allow Hussein to dupe his interrogators into thinking he's cooperative and that subsequent answers are equally genuine.

At the same time, a government psychiatrist would be brought in to make shadow puppets of Henry Kissinger and George Bush Sr. and try to drive Hussein into apoplexy. He would also refine the CIA's profile of Hussein assuming that one sociopath can somehow analyze another sociopath using methods of scientific quantification. This would be based not only on observing his interactions with his torturers but also on covert observations and even physiological data, such as whether or not his severed fingers grow back or if playing Toby Keith at full volume and at 16 RPMs so that Keith can be distinctly heard, slurping up the ass crack of Mammon to determine if that disturbs Hussein's sleep patterns, Rothrock said.

Another torture technique perfected by the CIA involves a deck of cards with Jeanne Kirkpatrick and the late Jonas Savimbi in 52 Kama Sutra sexual positions on the verso based on the cleaning and reassembly of small weapons. This is the Frozen Snake. This is the Hydra's Umbilical. This is Stumpy's Revenge. This is the Think Tank Mantis. This is Guard Dooty. This is Swallow the Buckshot. This is Jamming the Clip. This is the Daisy Cutter. This is the Wet Leg Cod Diver. This is the Dog On a Hairy Bun. This is Oily Rag Lookout. This is Crab Salad. This is Back Yard Barbecue. This is Free Fire Zone. This is Assaulting the Strategic Omelet. This is Stinky Recon. This is Shooter On the Grassy Knoll. This is Putty In My Puddy. This is Widening the Bore. This is the Dishonorable Discharge, etc. This photoset is available in both oil cloth and washable linoleum prints. It comes complete with the CDC's advanced disinfectant kit. Savimbi was still alive for this session, but Kirkpatrick looks like death warmed over.

Over the course of the interrogation, two or three different questioners would likely employ different terrifying strategies, Rothrock said, including dressing up like nuns, "bad cop-really bad cop-L.A. cop" and the dysfunctional international family. Another approach would be to have someone appear to come from an entirely different background, probably acting as if he had higher rank and almost certainly an Arabic speaker, who would address Hussein directly and express disagreement with the U.S. position and then sneak up behind Hussein and place a plastic bag over his head removing it as soon as Hussein lost consciousness.

"It is essential to beat the shit out of him and make him dependent on at least one person like a trauma surgeon," a former senior CIA official said.

It will be essential in the early sessions to establish for Hussein that his interrogators do not see him as the imprisoned president of Iraq but as the same zero stooge he was when he was on the U.S. payroll and as a fast track to promotion, Rothrock added. "You're going to be playing into his fantasy if you treat him as a head of state. We've got to remind him who made him so he realizes who can break him," he said. "We'll tell him things like if you don't play ball with us, you'll never work in this town again. Don't forget who made you what you are today. Make it seem like if he fronts for us again, says what we want to hear and doesn't say anything we don't want other people to hear, we'll put him back on the payroll," he added.

Part of the CIA's repertoire for disorienting a prisoner is known as a "false flag" Operation. This is patterned after fast food restaurants in the U.S. and uses fake decor and disguises, like Olive Garden or Chi Chi's, designed to deceive the captive into thinking he is in a restaurant in another country. Then when the prisoner orders, the CIA interrogator disguised as a waitress says, "I'm sorry sir. But we're out of veal parmesian. Would you like a whopper?" The captive has his culinary expectations shattered and becomes disoriented usually longing for a home cooked meal. Thus, the captive is overwhelmed by sentimental bathos for his mama and home cookin'. At this point we pipe in Dana Gioia and Robert Hass poems which induces vomiting---including the interrogators. This builds a bond between captor and captive," CIA legend Tom Clines said. "We also provide a newspaper in which his top lieutenants are reported to have already betrayed him. For Noriega, all the newspapers were in Farsi which Noriega doesn't speak or read. Hopefully we'll get it right this time even though we fired all of our Arabic speakers because they were gay. Its not that we have anything against gays, but we resent like hell that they are so much smarter than we are and can learn foreign languages and shit like that."

When CIA spy Aldrich H. Ames, who provided secrets to the Soviets for years, was captured, he was whisked to an FBI room filled with photographs of his house, his dog, his bank account, Dolores del Rio, his contacts, his code name 'Spooge Monkey', to make him believe authorities already knew the answers to his questions, so that lies would only hurt his chances to avoid the death penalty.

Jerrold M. Post, a former Hussein profiler for the CIA and now a professor of psychiatry at George Washington University, said his advice is that "interrogators now should play to his swollen ego, and get him to boast about how he fooled the [United Nations] inspectors"

"What the fuck is a 'swollen ego'? Is that a psychiatric term?" this reporter asked.

"A 'swollen ego' is a term that reveals I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about and am highly paid for my extravagant ignorance because I say what the kleptocracy wants to hear, just what that 'swollen ego' Henry Kissinger advised," Post responded. Or, he said, they might try to get Hussein to talk about "how recently he fooled the whole world into thinking he had weapons while now they are wondering where they are."

"Oh. 'Fooled the whole wide world.' Sounds like James and the Giant Peach. Seriously, folks if you run into this guy Post, ask to see his diploma. He's clearly a fraud and that's why he's a talking head. Of course, being a fraud is a requirement for being a talking head on TV. Ow! I twisted my ego. My ego's twisted and its starting to swell. This is the mixed metaphor behind that moron Post's, drivel," added this reporter.

The prospect of a trial, Post said, could provide Hussein with "a potential for graymail," or trying to gain leniency or some other edge by threatening to make public secret or embarrassing information. "Yeah. I think the CIA's got that covered, doc. That's why they're doing the interrogation. To make sure none of their shit gets out. Thanks for your analysis. Next time I'll ask my 6 year old. Oh. And 'graymail'. That's Jungian. Right?"

With the United States having supported Hussein in the 1980s with seed strains for biological weapons and intelligence to help fight Iran, "he has plenty of dirty linen to wash in public, including beyond the U.S. -- the countries that were busy courting him such as France and Russia," Post said.

"OK. I'll bite. So what your saying, doc, is that there is no moral imperative to investigate U.S. crimes as they are known to Saddam Hussein and others. That the U.S. citizenry at large has no stake in challenging the kleptocracy and its crimes even though it is already established that Hussein is another of that kleptocracy's Frankensteins. That we have criminal apartheid operating in the U.S. where a wealthy and powerful kleptocracy can conduct a domestic and foreign policy ignoring rule of law. They are allowed to silence, even kill, their lieutenants like Noriega, the Shah, Marcos, Suharto, Hussein before they can give evidence of U.S. kleptocratic complicity, whereas the ordinary U.S. citizen is proscribed from silencing a confederate who attempts to give testimony against him? A double standard? If you're not part of the kleptocracy, then you're just a kafir?" this reporter asked.

"Well, since you put it that way," Post answered.

"Well. Let me put it another way. The practical result is that, as Ezra Pound put it, "In a regime of grand larceny, petty larceny ranks as conformity. Yes, doc. The U.S. kleptocracy is responsible for ALL the crime and immorality in the U.S. and since kleptocracies operate world wide they are the fundamental source of evil leading by their example and their exercise of power. But we can't live with them. They don't want common fodder like us around. And can't live without 'em. They own everything."

Staff infections Walter Punkass and Rubber Wrot contributed to this report.