"To wage by force or guile eternal war."
---the tattoo burned into the ass of initiates at
The Project For The New American Century

The Assassinated Press

Who's Next In America's Sights?
Will The World Pre-Empt Being Pre-Empted By The U.S.?
Tell us what you think.

The Assassinated Press
in conjunction with
Fox Einsatzgruppen News

Now that the world wide pogrom of "Pre-emptive War" and "Global Domination" contrived by The Project For The New American Century has been installed as the boiler plate of U.S. Foreign Policy, the Assassinated Press thought the time was right to assess the future of those who advocate this policy. Toward this end we ask our readers to respond to the survey below.

Now that the U.S. has invaded Afghanistan and Iraq, what country will American forces attack next?

1) Iran

2) Syria

3) Saudi Arabia

4) France

5) Lichtenstein

6) North Korea

7) China (just to get the big one out of the way while we're still fresh)

Since the foundation of the PNAC policy of perpetual 'pre-emptive war' involves the wholesale invasion of other countries until the entire world has been subjugated, how many consecutive tours should enlistees be required to serve?

1) 5

2) 10

3) 20

4) Until the job is done and the world is on its knees before the U.S. Kleptocracy

How many consecutive tours should reservists be required to serve?

1) 5

2) 10

3) 20

4) Until the job is done and the world is licking Dick Cheney's crack

How many casualties must the U.S. suffer before you think the draft should be re-instituted?

1) 3

2) 4

3) 4

4) 4

If you are forced to learn to spell the name of the country that the U.S. planned to attack which one would you choose?

1) Earac

2) Earan

3) Ejipt

4) Sowdi Araba

5) Izrail

6) North Kria

7) Jordan (like Michael Jordan)

Since we have now entered an era of perpetual war, do you think we should switch to dynastic control of the executive branch rather than the 'money and fraud' permutation of Hellenistic democracy we now have? For example, Neil Bush would automatically be in line for the presidency with Jeb behind him if Neil could not serve?

1) YES

2) NO

Do you think Neil would live to serve?

1) No

2) No

Do you think George would live to serve out his term under dynastic rules?

1) No

2) No

Do you think Jeb would live to wear the crown of Chief Executive?

1) No

2) No

3) Long live King Ari

Do you think the rest of the world is going to sit by and let the U.S. occupy it?

1) Yes

2) Yes

3) Hope so

How many countries will the Cheney/Bush administration have to attack before you begin to realize that you have become the U.S. version of the 'good German?'

1) 10

2) 25

3) 50

4) No number is high enough. I relish the notion of being the U.S. equivalent of the acquiescent German during the Nazi era.

When the head of the Project For the New American Century, William Kristol, appears on television to promote his plan for world domination through eternal warfare which Nazi does he most resemble?

1) Heinrich Himmler

2) Joseph Goebbels

3) Adolf Hitler

4) Herman Goering

5) Werner von Braun

When you get sick and tired of years of perpetual conflict, which perpetrator of eternal war are you most likely to attack in a morally justified fit a of rage?

1) G.W. Bush

2) Dick Cheney

3) Tony Blair

4) Don Rumsfeld

5) Colin Powell

6) Dickie Myers

7) Ari Fleischer

8) William Kristol

9) Richard Perle

10) Karl Rove

11) Karen Hughes

12) Paul Wolfowitz

13) John Asscroft

14) other

When you get sick and tired of perpetual war which Congressional leaders are you most likely to assault in a morally justified fit of rage?

1) Dennis Hastert

2) Bill Frist

3) Richard Gephardt

4) Richard Lugar

5) other

6) others

7) all of them

How many sons and daughters are you willing to sacrifice for big oil and Washington insider, think tank generals?

1) 3

2) 6

3) 9

4) 12

If pre-emptive warfare threatens to pre-empt March Madness or the Super Bowl next year what do you think should be the American peoples' course of action?

1) Immediate surrender

2) Demand March Madness be held in one of the subjugated countries

3) Sacrifice conquered peoples at half-time

4) Demand that basketball and football shed their metaphorical patina and be staged in the middle of a live ammo fire-fight. Also, good for maintaining salary caps.

5) Protest in huge numbers until the U.S. war machine goes about its business more quietly like it did when it used proxy murderers

6) Let Baghdad U. play in the tournament

How would you react to an invasion force made up of a coalition of the world's 272 countries who decide to pre-empt being pre-empted by the U.S. by landing on U.S. soil and commencing to dismantle with extreme prejudice the Project For The New American Century? I would---

1) Relish the break from the tedium

2) Switch sides

3) Turn in my neighbor, Richard Perle

4) Take up arms to defend the kleptocrats

5) Shit my pants

6) Blame Al-Qaeda

7) Hope somebody else's 'shock and awe' improves Letterman's jokes

8) Turn in Bill O'Reilly as a gesture of my good will

How many U.S. casualties are you willing to tolerate before you begin to realize that having American servicemen die to enrich a few kleptocrats is an obscene gesture?

1) 100,000

2) 1,000,000

3) 10,000,000

4) 1,000,000,000 One for every barrel of oil in Iraq

5) 1,500,000,000 One for every barrel of oil in Saudi Arabia

How many of the world's people are you willing to slaughter before you begin to realize that killing people to enrich the kleptocracy is an obscene gesture?

1) 1,000,000

2) 10,000,000 This number already exceded by U.S. since World War II.

3) 100,000,000

4) 10,000,000,000

5) all of them

If the Cheney/Bush policy leads to excessive American losses and destroys your standard of living, what do you think is the appropriate punishment for the perpetrators of Pre-Emptive war and their think tank bosses?

1) regime change

2) exile

3) hanging from lampposts in Lafayette square

4) turn them over to the peoples attacked by the U.S.

5) 'Ol' Sparky'

6) Garrote them on live television in Bill O'Reilly's old time slot

What do you think should be the punishment for the media for cheer leading the carnage?

1) Make them work minimum wage jobs

2) Have them play the Prisoner's Dilemma Game with former members of the Salvadoran Treasury Police as referees

3) Strangle them with their little cheer leading skirts

4) Kill them by pistol whipping the arrogance and smugness off their faces

5) Choke them on their own copy

6) Make them watch their own reports in a soccer stadium full of vengeful double amputees


Your answers become the property of The Assassinated Press, Fox Einsatzgruppen News, The U.S. Justice Department and the F.B.I. The Assassinated Press 2003