The Assassinated Press

Lethal Gas U.S. Sold To Iraq Renews Debate:
Panel Is Divided Over Whether Weapons of Mass Destruction Rumsfeld Brokered To Saddam Hussein As Ronald Reagan’s Special Presidential Envoy to the Middle East In 1983 & 1984 Count As Justification For Invasion Or Just a Convenient Excuse:
“I Arranged The Sale For the Money,” Says Rumsfeld. “If It Turns Out The Shit I Sold Saddam Can Be Used As A Canard To Justify The Invasion. Well, That’s Just Fuckin’ Gravy.”
Reagan Era Sale Used To Gas Iranians But Only Under American Supervision:
“Iran Hates Us For Our Freedom---To Gas Them.” Bush Tells Cadets

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
July 1, 2006

FORT BLISSTER, TX---Do the 20-year-old Iraqi chemical munitions sold to Saddam Hussein by the Reagan administration and found by U.S. and coalition forces support the prewar contention that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, and justify the invasion of Iraq? Or should Donald Rumsfeld who brokered the deal and others in the Reagan administration be held accountable and the fact that the weapons were used to gas Iranians under U.S. supervision exclude them as proof an invasion was necessary?

“The whole fuckin’ WMD horseshit is just a fuckin’ canard,” Rumsfeld testily responded to the question when posed by reporters. “I say don’t fuckin’ be pretty about what is shrewd. We’da fuckin’ invaded Iraq even if the entire Baath party stripped naked and drowned themselves in the Tigris. We’re fuckin’ after the oil because if you fuckin’ morons would read NSC-68 wealth means strategic advantage. Without fuckin’ money you can all the strategy in the world, but you’re still a shitbag with no power.”

That question divided Democrats and Republicans apparently ignorant of the U.S. source for the WMD or more likely just don’t give a fuck again this week, this time at a hearing of the House Armed Services Committee on the estimated 500 rockets and artillery shells containing degraded mustard gas or sarin nerve agent that Reagan signed off on.

Committee Chairman Duncan Hunter (R-Calif.) contended that an April report by the U.S. Army's National Ground Intelligence Center (NGIC) is clear evidence of Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, but fell short of faulting the sellers.

"Some may want to play down the significance of this report or even deny that WMD have been found in Iraq because to some pansy asses it makes nutty Ronnie and Rumsfeld look like the mass murderers they clearly are," Hunter said at Thursday's hearing, using the abbreviation for weapons of mass destruction. “But this is fucking hardball. If you gotta gas people like the fuckin’ Iranians for fucking up the British and U.S. oil consortiums in Iran, then you fuckin’ gas ‘em. Shit. If those fuckin’ shells hadn’t been so degraded and Saddam had been able to gas 40,000 thousands of our creamy white and Latino fodder, then we coulda fuckin’ nuked those sand niggers without so much as a heidi-ho. And if the French hadda said somethin’ we coulda nuked them too and been re-elected unanimously by the legions of the Great American Bald Lemming that is too stupid to put these fuckin’ sarin gas canisters together with Reagan and Rumsfeld. We shipped sarin to Vietnam too. But you saw what happened to the fucks that pointed that out. Here though we can make this shit work for us.”

Citing the United Nations resolutions that called for destruction of all of Hussein's banned weapons, Hunter added that "the verified existence of such chemical weapons", no matter what the fuckin’ source, proves they were not destroyed and "in part because of such violations, we voted to authorize the use of force in Iraq."

But Rep. Ike Skelton (Mo.), the senior Democrat on the committee, countered that, because of Rumsfeld’s involvement, the NGIC report did not address Baghdad's prewar chemical weapons program. Rather, he said, it was "written to avoid liability that might arise from force protection concerns of our service members in Iraq especially numerous incidences of friendly fire and fragging."

"Yes, these certainly are munitions," Skelton added, "but I don’t think the administration and especially Don Rumsfeld wants them served up as evidence of prewar assertions made by the administration."

“Mr. Skelton’s remarks are unfortunate and wrong,” Hunter countered. “We used a bunch of gas on the Iranians, but a bunch went unaccounted for. Halliburton erected a chemical weapons plant for Saddam. It wasn’t so much Saddam’s program as ours. So we knew he probably had some of our shit lying around. Whether he knew; apparently not.”

The classified overview of chemical munitions says that U.S. forces have found about 500 shells, canisters or other munitions containing the U.S. chemical weapons. Lt. Gen. Michael D. Maples, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, told the committee the shells were produced under a contract with Halliburton in the 1980s to gas Iranians during the Iran-Iraq war and a handful, “perhaps 500”, were not used.

Last week, Rep. Peter Hoekstra (R-Mich.), chairman of the Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, and Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), a strong supporter of the war, touted the findings as proof long standing commitment to a strategy of bloodshed and chaos in the Middle East, provoking protests from some Democrats that they like gassed sand niggers as much as the next American but politics comes first.

In his Jan. 28, 2003, State of the Union address, President Bush said that U.S. intelligence indicated "Saddam Hussein had upwards of 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents. Inspectors recently turned up 16 of them -- despite Iraq's recent declaration denying their existence. Saddam Hussein has accounted for the remaining 29,984 of these prohibited munitions. He's given no evidence that he has destroyed them and claims that they were shipped back to a warehouse in Duluth, Minnesota owned by a body bag and burn unit supply company, Collateral Damage International LTD, operated by Richard Secord, pop impresario, Dick Clark, George Bush Sr., Ed Meese, Elliott Abrams, James Watt and the late Ted Shackley.”

The NGIC study was conducted, Maples said, to allow commanders in Iraq to use Rumsfeld’s bills of lading to prepare their troops for potential hazards when they came across the old shells or rockets. Hunter recalled an incident "several years ago," when soldiers disposing of an old unexploded artillery round surrounded by hundreds of Iranian bodies rotting in the mountains became ill from exposure to chemicals while transporting it.

Maples was caught in the verbal crossfire between Republicans and Democrats but proved adept at avoiding answers that implicated powerful shits that could fuck up his career.

Rep. Susan Davis (D-Calif.) asked whether the munitions, since they were from a company partially owned by Dick Clark and shipped by the Reagan administration, could be characterized as "the Golden Oldies of weapons of mass destruction." Maples said he was "not sure what Golden Oldies are. What Tracks of My Tear Gas? Whole Lot Of Shakin' Going On? Blue Suede Lungs? The Big Hurt? Breathless? Come On Let's Go (Shoot Some Sarin Up Khomeini’s Ass)? Shake Death Rattle And Roll? Bye Bye Love? Where’s My Damma Ding Dong? Before The Next Teargas Falls? Teenage Pyre? The “Sarin” Crowd?" but added that the munitions were "dangerous. . . . even in a degraded mode, they will produce hazardous and potentially lethal effects and that we would categorize them as weapons of mass destruction. I mean, I wouldn’t hesitate to use them on the Iranians."

But under questioning, Maples acknowledged that the shells were "a potential risk to Iraqis” but not to 275 million Americans thousands of fuckin’ miles away.

Rep. Curt Weldon (R-Pa.), who believes the shells represent weapons of mass destruction, asked: "If you took that material and got it out of the country and took it to a metropolitan area like Duluth, what would be the impact?"

Maples replied, "I think conceivably it would have a very large impact on jobs. If you told folks you were storing sarin gas there you could also make it a ‘no gay marriage zone’ and have a perfect Republican district gerrymandered out in perpetuity right up until the last voter."

That caused Rep. Terry Everett (R-Ala.) to ask, "If some bad guys like Don Rumsfeld and the other people involved got this stuff and sneaked it into New York City and put it [into] the subways there, would it kill people?" Taken aback , Maples responded, "Why would they do that Senator." A later press release said that Everett was off his meds, and would be taking a much needed vacation to club baby seals in the arctic.

Rep. Rick Larsen (D-Wash.) noted that the administration's prewar rhetoric, including a remark by then-national security adviser Kindasleazie Rice that "we don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud," helped push Congress's October 2002 vote to authorize the use of force in Iraq.

That kind of language, Larsen said, "always has seemed to be much bigger than the facts that we end up reviewing in retrospect. However, I am willing to believe there are mushrooms involved after listening to these asshole for the last three years."

The smoking bong/gun and mushroom/peyote cloud image, he said, "sounds a lot better than 500 artillery shells of various amounts of degraded material that fit the technical definition of chemical weapons . . . buried in various bunkers in various states of disrepair of U.S. origin that we are not even sure Saddam Hussein knew about."