The Assassinated Press

You Want Better Schools?
Bring Back the Draft:
No Child Left Behind---
While His Classmates Play Cops Of The World
"If The Guy On The Radio Ain't Talkin' About Who's Gettin' The Money,
He Ain't Talking Shit," Says A Clean Rush Limbaugh; Blames His Politics On Drugs And Easy Money

The Assassinated Press

Washington, DC--- "You want better students? I'll tell you how to get them. Threaten to draft their little asses. You want safer streets? Send the dumb fuckers half way around the world." That's part of the policy initiative coming out of the office of Cheney's Secretary of Education, Rod Paige. Below find the text of a motivational video, "The Military Draft As A Motivational Tool For Learning: Or 'Never Ask Me How They're Hanging; And No, I Still Don't Know Who Robert McNamara Is,'" Mr. Paige recently tested before members of the American Enterprise Institute's Guns Or Lard Club.

"Hi! I'm 'Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child' Paige, the Secretary of Education in the Dick Cheney Oil Cartel and part time Presidential Administration. As you probably already know, I haven't had much to do in this administration since I taught W. the Monkey Boy how to hold a book right side up for the publicity shots.

"As I'm sure you all know, the 'No Child Left Behind' program was just another shill so that administration cronies could make some bucks and, at the same time, use its failure to promote school vouchers. The fact that the Cheney administration is full of predators who prey on your children---and you too for that matter, I'm certain, comes as no surprise except, of course, if you're the selective yet incredulous Attorney General Assrift.

"But John Assrift's God given right to wipe with the Constitution is not what I want to talk about tonight no matter how profoundly such blasphemy threatens us all.

"No tonight, my fellow Americans I want to talk to you about a bold new plan to educate America's youth proposed by my friends at the Ski Show Workers Party. The plan is a simple one---to institute a universal military draft for all men and women living in the U.S. who are between the ages of 18 and 34. The draft age would be extended downward to age 14 for all of those not attending high school. These draftees, after 8 weeks of training, would all be assigned to overseas combat posts exclusively. Men's units would retain the traditional designation as Fodder or Mulch. The women's units would be known as Fodderettes or Mulch Minnies.

"As we all know, Cheney and Rumsfeld's PNAC's plan for U.S. world domination has stalled in Iraq and Afghanistan and is now dangerously behind schedule threatening the billionaire status of many of Americas least known and best loved plutocrats. To open fronts in Syria, Saudi Arabia, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Colombia, Argentina, Indonesia and elsewhere is going to require tremendous man and woman power as well as tax revenue, exercise of eminent domain on behalf of the military industrial complex and life savings turned over to Halliburton and Bechtel in the form of tribute.

"As Americans, however, we should be proud and hopeful. Proud and hopeful because we have so many young people who can't find Iraq on a map. Who pronounce the name of the country, EYE-rack as though it was something that held up your eyeballs. Who still think Iraq had 'something to do' with 9/11 when only President Cheney, like a Lear shooting speedball, rants incoherently that Saddam and Bin Laden went anal on each other as though his billions in Iraqi loot are threatened by the revelation of some ugly truth he's fighting in the courts. Our young people give me hope because they have unwittingly received military training at video arcades. Because they can only parrot back the product tested excuses of America's conservative pundits and are never curious enough to read up on their own. Those of them that can read, that is. We must encourage our youth to buy, in all senses of that word, this hip-hop Crip-crap and heads "like a rock" pick-up patriotism. Its fodder in the bank.

"But my fellow Americans, there is one grave problem threatening this program for a universal draft. As a result of protests over the U.S. Invasion of Viet Nam, it is now known that the military draft follows some of the laws of statistical mechanics as manifest in quantum theory and the ubiquitous, Copenhagen Interpretation. Even though I'm aware that most Americans are more than passably familiar with quantum mechanics including the Copenhagen Interpretation, allow me to reprise the main points which are germane here.

"One of the axioms of Heisenberg's Indeterminacy Relation that is partially addressed by Bohr's Matrix Mechanics is the paradox of a sub-atomic particles position vis a vis its momentum. The axiom states that the more precisely one measures the position, the 'fuzzier' or, in misappropriated language, the more 'uncertain' becomes the particles momentum at least within the context of the experiment. Vice versa, when the momentum is precisely measured the position becomes 'murkier' in a mathematical sense.

"This same axiom applies to the military draft in the United States. When Americans of draftable age are as ignorant and stupid as they are now, the draft's slaughter pens can be well stocked without a squeal from the meat machines. This initial state is known in propaganda and public relations circles as the agitprop trajectory where the momentum is very high and easily calculated. Sub-atomic particles in this state half a half-life of 3 or 4 nanoseconds. Conscripts sent into combat during this part of the cycle have a life expectancy of 3 or 4 days. Many are dead within 30 minutes of first contact with the enemy or 'home team.'.

"So energy, in this case in the form of body bags stuffed with scraps of draftees, is quickly dispersed and subsequently the momentum becomes more difficult to calculate and the particle's position begins to take on a sharper focus. As regards the draft, this situation derives from the potential draftee's visit to his buddy who's been in the 'shit' and accidentally walking in on him while he's waxing his hump before he puts on his prosthetic. Macho gives way to self-discovery. As much as he'd like to put his buddy's deformed body out of his mind, the little draft bait 'particle' can't.

At this juncture, the particle may become a 'wavicle', with properties of both a particle and a wave. This process is known as wavering and manifests in the organism as doubt. This is not to be confused with 'waving' the flag which is the introduction of outside forces known sociologically as peer pressure or,in this instance, Deadly Dupes Denial Syndrome.

"At this point the paradox has shifted to the position side. Not only does the potential particle/potential draftee learn to spell the dozens of countries that the U.S. intends to rape or re-rape or re-re-rape, he can now locate them on a map and tell what riches the U.S. covets. As he begins to a have a firm position calculable by any outside observer where only headlong gullibility and ignorance manifested as momentum existed before, the particle/potential draftee goes beyond governmental structures and begins to see the corporate cess below that creates fait accomplis in the form of foreign wars. He sees that the CEOs of companies become presidents, secretaries of defense, state, head of the National Security Council etc. and vice versa. And, of course, he learns the only lesson worth knowing---FOLLOW THE MONEY. If the guy on the radio ain't talkin' about who's gettin' the MONEY, he ain't talkin' shit.

"Our 'particle' has decided he doesn't want to wind up a dead or dickless dupe. The draft effort's momentum slows and begins to congeal in the chilly resistance of a self-educating, autopoietic organism.

"My dear citizens, that is our nightmarish conundrum. In a culture like ours where self-interest, the selfish gene if you will, is God, draft momentum evaporates in the face of, heavily armed, life and limb threatening populist movements around the globe. Public Relations and domestic propaganda are like movie violence. After the real thing, Hollywood violence is not an escape. Its a lie.

"The upside is that the draft will dramatically improve the education levels of our youth. College enrollment will rise. High School attendance will soar. Its just too bad you have to put a gun in their hand pointed at their head to get today's young people to put down their ignorant and rhetorical guns and forsake bullshit for real world U.S Foreign Policy at least until they get beyond draft age.

my copyright or wrong The Assassinated Press 2003