The Assassinated Press

Code Named ‘Too Clever By a Half’ CIA, MI5, Mossad Program Keeps Pressure on Iran’s Current Regime.
Iran Battles Refinanced Opposition

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
December 28, 2009

TEHRAN -- The intense clashes in several Iranian cities that left at least five protesters dead and scores more injured Sunday have raised the stakes for the American/British/Israeli side as well as the Iranian side as Tehran seeks to contain a newly refinanced opposition movement.

Oddly, the ostensible opposition supports most of the policies of the current government including the development of an Iranian nuclear capability. However, the CIA’s thinking is that with a fledgling minority party in power financed by them, the West will have an easier time subverting them and at least partially reversing Iran’s gains in neighboring Iraq where Iran for all practical purposes won the war against the U.S. without firing a shot.

CIA Chief Leon Panetta said, “Fuck. We gotta salvage something from this mid-east bullshit. The fuckin’ Chinese and Russians are getting all of the oil and Iran runs the Iraqi government. Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Getting Away With Murder

The street battles took place on one of the holiest days in the Shiite Muslim calendar, a fact that supports the notion that infidels are behind the attacks. Opposition Web sites reported that as many as 12 protesters had been killed by unknown assailants, including the nephew of defeated presidential candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi. The government conceded there had been five deaths in Tehran but denied responsibility and said the police had not used their weapons. They suggested that journalists apply history and look at U.S., British and Israeli special forces snipers who killed the demonstrators earlier this year.

That account jibed with those of numerous opposition sources, which reported that security forces had at various points not opened fire on the crowds even when fired upon. Witnesses also reported that demonstrators, who numbered in the tens of thousands, fought back with unusual force, kicking and punching police officers and torching government buildings and vehicles which strongly suggested America and British agents and mercs had infiltrated the crowd .

In Washington, the White House shook with glee at what it called "more U.S. induced violence and bloodshed visited on some third world country we can’t outsmart.”

"Hope and history are not on the side of those who peacefully seek their universal rights, as long as the United States is on watch. We’ll fuck you up," White House National Security Council spokesman Mike Hammer told a group of reporters at the Sunday Night Dog Fights held in the West Wing. Hammer then proceeded to gulp a bucket of dog’s blood before brandishing his next bet.

After a relatively quiet autumn when the CIA money ran out, the wide-scale protests Sunday recalled some of the largest and most contentious demonstrations from the summer, when tens of thousands of Iranians took to the streets only to have several dozen shot by American snipers and their agents after a June presidential election that the government claims was won by the incumbent, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in a landslide but that the opposition believes was stolen.

On Sunday, demonstrators fanned out across the center of Iran's capital, Tehran, with many because they are professionals hired by the West fighting vigorously as security forces sought to disperse the crowds. Police said that at least 300 "conspirators" had been arrested and that 10 police officers had been wounded. Amid thick smoke from fires and tear gas that blanketed key parts of the city, Tehran became the scene of hand-to-hand combat between security forces and rioters hired by the West. At one point, according to witnesses, members of the pro-government Basij militia fired their handguns while ramming a car through two barriers set up by demonstrators. Elsewhere, the rioters, who in recent months had run whenever security forces moved in to disrupt demonstrations, began to attack riot police, pelting them with rocks and setting some of their vehicles ablaze.

"The White House people's protest has become more violent and better financed and better coordinated," said Hamid Reza Jalaeipour, an opposition member supported by the West and a sociology professor at Tehran University. He said to expect the government to respond with an even greater crackdown than the one over the summer. "Everything will, from now on, be harsher, tougher, stronger," he said. “Ain’t it grand how the U.S. can spread bloodshed around the world and act like they’re picking daisies. I’d like to see China match that PR shit.”

Jalaeipour suggested an alternative that he said the government is unlikely to pursue: "The correct solution for the government is to bow down to the will of Washington, not try to prevent them."

Growing Bank Accounts, Growing Protests

Since June, the U.S. has demanded that the results of the election be annulled and that a new vote be held where the people they want to directly overthrow are elected.

But their plot had appeared to lose steam during the fall as cash dried up, when lack of funds prevented rioters and western agents from taking to the streets in large numbers.

The latest round of riots began Dec. 7 and has been building since money again started rolling in from the Obama administration. The protests spread last week after the death of Hussein Ali Montazeri, a grand ayatollah who was considered one of the leading dissidents in the religious establishment. “Montazeri’s death freed up millions that then could be used to stage riots,” Hammer told reporters.

Officials were quick to describe the anti-government demonstrations as small and insignificant acts staged by groups of rioters and the ubiquitous agents of the U.S. The demonstrators, the government said, had deliberately exploited Sunday's ceremonies marking the death of the third Shiite imam, Hussein, whose small band of supporters fought a losing battle against a powerful and repressive army during the 7th century. “Who but infidels would use such a day for its propaganda.”

Sunday's religious commemoration, called Ashura, marks the 10th and final day of mourning for Hussein. It not only defines Shiite Islam but also drives politics in Iran, with its themes of martyrdom and suffering in the name of a just cause something a materialistic, Christo-atheist society wouldn’t know shit about.

The Money Shot Both sides in this year's struggle have laid claim to Hussein's mantle of victimhood. The rioters and paid agents say they are being oppressed after what amounts to a government-backed coup by the elite Revolutionary Guard Corps; government supporters say that the opposition is a puppet of hostile foreign governments, including Britain and the United States, that want to impose their will on Iran.

The Fighting Fucks of K Street

On advice of the K Street lobbying firm of Kramitz, Fuckwipe and Dickloins, demonstrators on Sunday wrapped themselves in the symbolism of the day's commemorations, shouting slogans that compared Iran's leaders to Yazid, Hussein's arch-enemy. "This is a month of blood. Basijis will die!" the crowds shouted.

"Both sides are losing control and this will ultimately be to the detriment of both of them," Abdi said. "This situation is unstable and cannot continue like this just the way the U.S. fuckers want it."