The Assassinated Press

Bush Does His Best Smirky Turkey Impression.
Except for the Buckets of Blood, Funniest Press Conference Ever Leaves ‘Em Rolling in the Aisles.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
January 13, 2009

It’s not that faux President George Bush is incapable of self-deprecation. Its that his every gesture, his every annunciation, his every expression is self-deprecating with out the need for the paradoxical or the ironic. With Bush self-deprecation is a built in feature. Every ignorant remark, every fumbled lie reveals the slovenliness of spirit, lack of curiosity and imagination usually reserved for societies worst sociopaths or a lower life form.

For Bush to be wistful or introspective, he would have to deny his first six decades of life. If he had a truly introspective moment, he would self-immolate.

But it’s that “he was born on third base, but thinks he hit a triple” snarkiness that makes him one of the great comic figures of the 20th and 21st centuries. It’s the silver spoon syndrome except this guy tested every utensil, soup to salad to desert fork and ate with his fingers and still could send people off to die in his stead without any sense of his congenital inferiority to any and all of his victims.

Bush devoted a valedictory news conference yesterday to a snotty yet buffoonish defense of his "good, strong record," making it clear he hasn’t given the last 8 years much thought. When he speaks, its like breaking out in a rash. Bush exists at the level of psoriasis or eczema.

The Bum’s Rush

The tone of the news conference -- the "ultimate exit interview," as Bush snottily called it -- was in keeping with a stream of recent speeches and interviews that repeated a litany of lies after years of relentless pounding by God and the Truth.

The man’s no Christian. That’s for certain. Facing the fires of Hell, he invests his conscience in light fluid.

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

Bush freed to speak his mind is truly a horrific figure even as he stirs gales of laughter. As his tenure draws to a close, he still remains without nuance, a soulless prepubescent psyche that knows daddy and mommy will by off the cops and the courts. Pounding the lectern for emphasis at certain points and bantering with some of the reporters with whom he has sparred, made this viewer want to jump through the screen and thrash the little fuck. But that’s something else that’s wrong with the media age, little or no direct, physical accountability.

If every human being on earth that wanted to beat George Bush senseless was granted his or her wish, there would be fewer snarky, ignorant, rich little hits in public office. It would be heaven. Then bring on Rove.

Asked about mistakes he had made while in office -- a question that once famously stumped him -- Bush rattled off several examples. But what kind of question is that? Ask the assholes who voted TWICE for the whiny little fuck about mistakes because as rotten and undemocratic the American electoral system may be, we’re probably not going to see the likes of Cheney/Bush again in our lifetimes. We might see the likes of Bush in say a Palin. In American culture, side show freaks are a dime a dozen. But Richelieu /Charlie McCarthy combination is damn rare. Richelieu usually have more self-respect than to suffer a Charlie McCarthy in a senior position. But Dick Cheney has made lackin any respect for anything or anyone including himself, the hallmark of his character. Judging from his public statements and actions, I see no reason not to take him at his word. The man enjoys immensely being a homicidal prick—a legendary sociopath.

Bush said hanging a "Mission Accomplished" sign on an aircraft carrier after the toppling of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein in 2003 was a "mistake, but the banner wasn’t hung at his suggestion, nor with his advance knowledge or potential veto."

Bush was and always will be the organ grinders monkey, trapped in the capacities of his monkey brain.

He described the scandal surrounding the treatment of detainees at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq as a "huge disappointment," as he did the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in that country, which the administration had claimed, based on faulty intelligence. But is Bush was just being fed the bullshit of WMD and valuable intelligence from Abu Ghraib, maybe disappointmnat is the appropriate term. Again, the last to know, let somebody else do the work, silver spoon, just tell the monkey to hit his marks syndrome.

And that ‘s just what made Bush’s press conference so pathetic and comical. The dumb shit had to walk out and defend bullshit that he had foisted on him by the cadre of career serial killers and child molesters that characterized the Cheney administration. Thus Bush’s detached and zany performance. “Don’t you get it, folks. This shit wasn’t my shit. But then again it is. But isn’t that what a little rich boy comes to expect. I’m not responsible except in the sense I was getting loaded and watching football after accepting a position of responsibility. But, fuck, I gave you every signal that I didn’t intend to take any responsibility for shit before you elected me—TWICE. So its on you, you dumb motherfuckers.”

True contrition is as far as from Bush’s emotional repertoire, as was John Wayne Gacey’s compassion for young boys. It must be remembered. Bush too is a sociopath. "I have thought long and hard about Katrina," Bush told reporters gathered in the White House briefing room for his 47th full-scale news conference when he clearly had not. "You know, could I have done something differently, like land Air Force One either in New Orleans or Baton Rouge?" And then what? Where’s the fucking reflection in that answer much less even a rudimentary grasp of the Katrina situation as a whole. Bush could have been immensely helpful if the little fuck had strutted off Air Force One in New Orleans and walked right into one of the plane’s turbines and been vaporized.

That would have been a HUGE fucking help with ramifications well beyond Katrina.

Bush's answer suggested that he would not have done much different in responding to a crisis that even some of his former aides said damaged his standing with the American people. (The White House itself criticized the response in a report in February 2006.) But that implies that Bush is even thinking about Katrina at the press conference, which he clearly was not. Bush has got laying up and being the lazy rich prick he was born to be after January 20th on his mind.

For Bush his long trial will end. The pact he made with Beelzebub aka Karl Rove will be over. His soul long pissed away, there’s nothing left but to live off the money his family cobbled together by exploiting humanity and wiping out large segments when they existed exploitation. Dante didn’t have a ring for sociopathic bumblers. Perhaps it’s an exclusively American aberration, another uniquely American invention.

Asked later about what more should be done to help New Orleans, the president circled back to rebut the idea that the initial federal response to the natural disaster was slow. This from one of the slowest morons on the planet, so slow he’s not even aware he’s an idiot and universally comes off as one.

Although "things" could have been done better, Bush said, "Don't tell me the federal response was slow when there was 30,000 people pulled off roofs right after the storm passed. I remember going to see those helicopter drivers, Coast Guard drivers, to thank them for their courageous efforts to rescue people off roofs. Thirty thousand people were pulled off roofs right after the storm moved through. It's a pretty quick response." What the knuckle head didn’t know was that the Coast Guard was not operating under FEMA orders but following their own protocol in spite of Bush, Brownie and FEMA.

Throughout the 47-minute session, the president's fundamental point was that he had done the best he could given his detachment and limited brain capacity -- two wars, a natural disaster and the biggest economic calamity since the Great Depression -- and that history, not god, will be the final judge. "I don't think you can possibly get the full breadth of an administration until time has passed," Bush said at one point. Yeah, its much worse than is now being touted.

The news conference, his first extended session with the White House press corps since July, marked the start of a full final week of meetings with staff and other exit interviews. Today he will hold his final Cabinet meeting and plans to award the Medal of Freedom to three of the war criminals he has been closest to -- former British prime minister and glossomorph Tony Blair, former used car salesman and Australian prime minister John Howard and Colombian President and drug impresario Álvaro Uribe. The White House announced that on Thursday, Bush will deliver a final farewell address to the American people because he has to. It’s a ritual dating to George Washington. The audience is expected to be in the hundreds.

Far from seeming depressed about his coming loss of power, Bush seemed largely in good spirits. He’s too brain dead and detached to be depressed. Also, Bush suffers from carbonation of the blood. He opened the news conference by expressing appreciation for the media for basically letting a dumb prick like him off the hook, even while he whined that he did not like all the stories about him and thought, borrowing one of his famous malapropisms, that the press corps "sometimes misunderestimated me" when in fact they always had, but on the wrong side of the ledger. Giving a by to a mentally incapacitated stooge is going to be a difficult legacy for the press to live down—again.

At another point, Bush pursed his lips and mocked the suggestion that the burdens of office are too great. "It's kind of like, why me? Oh, the burdens, you know. Why did the financial collapse have to happen on my watch? It's just -- it's pathetic, isn't it, self-pity?" Bush said. Yeah, it sure is, you little sissy.

What fucking planet do you live on?

To show the commander ‘n chimps ability at self-delusion, detachment or bald faced lying—take your pick or perhaps all three—catch this dribbling response. Another question couldn’t find a pulse involved the suggestion by some of his critics that America's moral standing in the world has been damaged by harsh interrogation tactics, the creation of a detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and the decision to go to war in Iraq without a mandate from the United Nations. "It may be damaged amongst some of the elite," Bush replied, "but people still understand America stands for freedom, that America is a country that provides such great hope."

"You go to Africa, you ask Africans about America's generosity and compassion after we’ve undermined the Congo again, carried on a longstanding assault on Sudanese sovereignty, sent a proxy army and rockets into Somalia and tried to starve Zimbabwe into a reversal on land reform; go to India and ask about . . . their view of America after the current economic collapse which has thrown tens of millions out of work and our supplying Pakistan with advanced weapons and reconnaissance systems. Go to China and ask as their U.S. debt purchases plummet in value faster than their exports," Bush went on. "Now, no question parts of Europe have said that we shouldn't have gone to war in Iraq without a mandate, but those are a few countries that can’t be bought with U.S. baubles or turned with U.S. threats. “Most countries in Europe listened with utter disbelief and dismay to what 1441 said, which is disclose, disarm or face serious consequences," he said, referring to the U.N. Security Council resolution. “But we said fuck ‘em.”

Bush had a little advice for his successor, warning President-elect Barack Obama to expect criticism and be prepared that some of his "biggest disappointments will come from your so-called friends. Just keep bringing those cutthroats and career killers into cabinet and you’ll do fine."

The president said he looked forward to his life after next Tuesday, when he will return to Texas to divide his time between a new home in Dallas and his ranch in Crawford. Well, not as much as the world’s people are looking forward to his departure. God riddance to bad trash.

"I'm a Type A personality," Bush said confirming the electorates’ belief that he’s an A-hole. "I just can't envision myself, you know, the big straw hat and Hawaiian shirt sitting on some beach but then again like Gilligan, I was lost as President."