The Assassinated Press

How Harvard Taught Me to Despise the Constitution And Made Me the O.J. Simpson of American Politics.

By Barack Obama
The Assassinated Press

The first thing that strikes you about Harvard is how rich it is. The second thing that strikes you is how hard they work to keep it that way.

Henry Kissinger had taught at Harvard before I arrived. There he had snitched on many of his fellow academics and lied about their activities in order to advance his career. He used colleagues and then double crossed them. He was the prototypical gangster academic. No muscle. Little brains. But all bile and guile.

I quickly understood that Kissinger embodied these are valued qualities that were deemed essential at an institution like Harvard even though in their overt forms lying, cheating, slander, extortion, etc. did not and still do not appear as part of their standard course schedule.

The Constitution of the United States embodies many egalitarian principles that have served the poor , minorities and the working class well over the years. That is why at Harvard we were taught to despise the Constitution.

Foreign policy always favored a top down imperialist approach where the indigenous populations were assumed ipso facto to be squatting on US transnational corporate lands and could by rule of law, rich whitey’s law, could be removed by force if necessary.

Little Big Horn or Remember the Maine or the The Balangiga massacre would serve as a patriotic rallying points for all the inferior white yahoos to circle the wagons while Wounded Knee and The Moro Crater massacre would be an unfortunate result of resisting inevitable progress. Something of the sort carried over to La Drang and My Lai and Ben Suc in Vietnam and every other imperialist engagement our white masters at Harvard dream up for their industrialist betters and the investment class.

Some of us were meant to serve the kleptocracy. I’ve always had something of the Kissinger style toady in me. And Harvard taught me to hate the Constitution.

Now that I shit on the First, Fourth and Sixth Amendments daily and show no balls in defending the Fourteenth or amending the Second, you can see my Harvard education come to the fore.

First, Harvard does not so much make cowards and charlatans as much as scout them out and embrace them and hone them. If there is anything the Harvard Illuminati can do it is recognize future toadies and stooges. They’re what a baseball scout is to baseball, only they’re looking for people who have no principles rather than a 97mph fastball.

I represented talent to the nth degree. I appear to look like a minority so I appealed not only to that minority, African Americans, but also to bleeding heart, neo-liberal whites who like a good bleeding heart if it’s someone’s from another culture who just doesn’t get the overriding superiority of white European culture.

Recently, it has become known that the Fourth Amendment was under attack. I should know. I was attacking it along with my corporate handlers. But this guy, Edward Snowden, has exposed our world wide corporate espionage using the NSA and other spy agencies, and our domestic snooping into the most intimate odors and unmentionables of your sorry little lives.

You don’t think you’ll step out of line. Have you taken even a cursory glance at the legal statutes lately? Chances are on a daily basis you’re doing shit we can lock you up for and strip of everything you own.

If you’re not. We can frame you using sophisticated mathematical algorithms that can prove you did things that the day before would have made you gack your guts.

Why are we doing this? Sure there’s the money and power. But is Harvard taught me anything, it was Sadism, the derivation of pleasure as a result of inflicting pain, cruelty, degradation, or humiliation, or, watching such behaviors inflicted on others.

This is Harvard’s ne plus ultra. It is why I am one of its greatest exponents. Just think of the pain I have caused African Americans through my abominably evil and sadistic behavior. Their disappointment must be profound if only because I took them so high and proved to be such a shit. I’m the O.J. Simpson of politics.

This past week I met with Apple CEO Steve Jobs, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison and a glittering collection of executive lwevel sociopthas to discuss stifling competition while stepping up our network of corporate espionage.

The dinner, at the home of venture capitalist John Doerr in a wooded area in Woodside, Calif., was closed to the media and of course the American people unless there was a Edward Snowden lurking behind the curtains. Among the business leaders I met were Google CEO Eric Schmidt; Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz; Cisco Systems CEO John Chambers; Twitter CEO Dick Costolo; and Jobs.

I reassured them that spying on you and shitting on the Fourth Amendment was in their best interest and we quickly agreed to continue on the path of using the Constitution to wipe our ass with begun by Ronald Reagan and accelerated by President De Facto Dick Cheney and myself.

Also, I promised that they would receive security contracts as we destabilized one country after another and those countries require ramped up security measures; infrastructure rebuilding contracts for countries we bombed back into the stone age; weapons contracts as well aqs lending rights. After my reassurances, Mark Zuckerberg zucked my dick long time.