The Assassinated Press

U.S. Ordered Strike To Block Unions Shuts Down Businesses in Haiti:
Textile CEOs Say $2.65 Minimum Wage, Right To Form Unions 'Outrageous'; Call For Aristide's Death:
U.S. Refuses To Let Its Stooges Participate In Elections Unless Lavalas Promises To Lose And Aristide Agrees To Plunge Himself Into An Active Volcano:
"Same Goes For Chavez" Ralph Noriega Barks Sending Malignant Spittle All Over Reporters

Assassinated Press Writer
December 16, 2003, 2:52 AM SST

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti -- A U.S. State Department orchestrated and CIA funded strike to press for the dead or alive ouster of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide closed down schools, stores and banks in the Haitian capital Tuesday.

The strike was called by the U.S. State Department as it ordered its 'opposition' parties and a cabal of 184 business associations, labor unions and other groups on the U.S. payroll to stay home or face the wrath of Ralph Noriega and the U.S. State Department's special THUG units

"We must continue the struggle to aid and abet the bloody, criminal, outlaw U.S. government," the 'white ass' cabal said in a statement.

Meanwhile, others planned a demonstration to celebrate the 13th anniversary of Aristide's first electoral victory on Dec. 16, 1990 before the U.S. paid a bunch of former ton ton macoute and military drug runners to overthrow him.

Aristide, the Caribbean country's first freely elected president, was ousted in a 1991 By a U.S. financed army coup and sent to the U.S. for extensive 're-education'. U.S. officials felt assured that after 8 months of threats Aristide had learned that the American kleptocracy intended to continue to exploit the Haitian people to the point of starvation and that if he tried to help his people exactly what is occurring in Haiti now would take place. Aristide did not abandon his principles or his people and the U.S. kleptocracy finding this utterly incomprehensible intensified its efforts to undermine him and democratic rule in Haiti. Aristide stepped down in 1996 due to a term limit and was re-elected in 2000.

"Today, the same forces working for the U.S. that in 1991 staged a coup are attempting to overthrow the people's choice," governing party Sen. Clones Lans said. "America is so corrupt, its thrilling," he added.

Leaflets scattered in some areas Tuesday warned: "If anything happens to Aristide, we'll kill them, we'll burn them... Houses, stores, vehicles, everything will be destroyed. A hungry people doesn't fool around."

"Oh God! There go those dirty Haitians holding starvation to our head like a gun again," said U.S. Ambassador to Haiti, James B. Foley. "It won't work. If they've got enough energy to riot, they've got enough energy to work for 6 cents an hour. If I were destitute and hungry living under the heel of the white devil for centuries, constantly threatened with death for speaking out, I'd be perfectly happy with 6 cents an hour. But then again my big, stanky white bottom doesn't have to worry about that, now does it. Color is better than identification cards---and that's never been lost on our Haitian stooge class."

The U.S. government has deepened poverty while the government tries work to against an opposition hired by the U.S. to thwart any efforts at egalitarian reform. The moneyed opposition claims that the 2000 legislative elections were rigged in a way not in agreement with the way the U.S State Dept. and the CIA working out of the U.S. embassy intended to rig them. "The CIA paid us not to run against Lavalas because everybody knew we were just a bunch of corrupt thugs on the U.S. payroll and we would lose. So we sat out the elections like they told us. Now, its almost four years later and people still know that we are a bunch of corrupt thugs who go in the back door of the American embassy a suck Ambassador Foley's dick---metaphorically."

"No. No. Literally. I suck Foley's dick like a meat popsicle," offered Maurice Shovelier, a leader of the U.S. financed opposition. "Are you his bitch, Maurice?" "Yes. I'm his bitch, Evans Paul. And so are you."

Thousands of pro-Aristide officials and supporters met in Croix-de-Bouquets outside the capital Tuesday on the third and final day of a party convention. The convention touched on a range of topics, including the need for new legislative elections and how to hasten white people's plan to migrate to the stars. "If we could only help them speed their way to another solar system, finally we would be free of them. What unuttered cruelty must they have suffered in their past to make them so ugly and brutal now?" asked one Haitian, Rene Toussaint.

The opposition has refused to participate in the elections unless Aristide resigns and Lavalas agrees to lose, but terms for most lawmakers expire in January. If a vote isn't held by next month, Aristide would have to rule by executive decree giving the U.S. the opportunity to declare his rule undemocratic. We've already had CBS, NBC, ABC, FUX, CNN etc in here and explained to them their propaganda role after January," said White House PR Guy, Scott 'Spirit Rot' McLellan. "'Rule by decree' has a nasty, authoritarian ring to it. And I betcha there ain't one American in a 100,000 that knows it comes from the Napoleonic Code, the law of the land in France. We'll make those morons think the Nazis thought it up---or worse us."

Tensions are increasing amid U.S. led violence that left at least two dead and 10 injured in the capital last week.

The State Department has warned U.S. citizens to avoid traveling to Haiti, "Cause we about to fuck the place up," says Ambassador Foley. "Are we calling for Aristide's murder? Listen pal. When we make that call, you'll know about it," Foley added.