The Assassinated Press

Rice Puddin': New Broadway Play Recounts Bush/Rice Lost Summer: "Get that Cunniboinkpoint the fuck over here and finish me off, cowboy."

Assassinated Press Theater Critic

The Kennedy Center's Charlie & Joe McCarthy Theater ---She's a precocious young political science major on summer vacation. He's the brash son of a political and corporate operative AWOL from his National Guard Unit hold up in a motel room on the outskirts of Birmingham, Alabama with a golf bag full of coke, a case of Jack Daniels and a shitload of self-pity.

Such is the premise of a new play, "Been High So Long, I Smell Like Down," by Tony Award winner Slim Avery based on the lost three months Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and G.W. Bush spent fucking and snorting in a small town motel room on the highway to Hell. She came away from the experience only moderately impaired. He would remain damaged goods for the rest of his life. Neither would forgo the inveterate lying of an addict to this very day.

The entire action of the play takes place in a two-bit motel room where Bush has brought the young impressionable Rice after they meet in the codeine and suppository aisle of a Big Buddy's Jim Crow Pharmacy And Tattoo Emporium in the heart of Birmingham. Bush was supposed to steal bomb materials from the local national guard armory in exchange for drugs, but sidetracked by his habit and the fetching Condoleeza, he goes AWOL instead and fails to meet with klan members, friends of John Sparkman, Bigot Boy and Flat Top, played amiably by John Roberts and Trent Lott, who have promised to help Bush's political career in exchange for 200 pounds of high explosives.

The play opens with Bush and Rice in bed pounding away. But before Rice can climax, a naked Bush throws aside the sheet, runs to the opposite side of the room and snorts a line off the overturned TV that shows shots of American GIs lying dead and wounded after a Viet Cong ambush. Bush angrily yanks the cord from the screen and begins jacking off while waving his left arm like an hysterical chimpanzee. Rice astonished rises up in the bed and shouts, "Get that Cunniboinkpoint the fuck over here and finish me off, cowboy."

Though this stage of both Bush's and Rice's development is covered copiously in official White House biographies, Alabama medical records and suppressed police reports, and elsewhere, Avery does a brilliant job of contrasting the insecure Bush who is 26 with the self-confident 18 year old Rice back from her junior year at Stanford.

Bush, played by former child actor Beaver Watts of the 1960's TV hit "What Is It You Do That Takes You To Uruguay, Daddy" may have popped Rice's cherry but its Rice that controls the drug crazed inebriate former Yale cheerleader. At one point Rice, played by former spokesmodel Uli Barnout, asks Bush pointedly, "We're you born with that silver spoon up your nose or was it a skiing accident." She also feeds the future President's coke heightened paranoia with lines like, "Get your daddy to deposit $5000.00 in my college fund or I'll tell Bull Connor you been porkin' a little nigger gal down on Highway 61. Bull ain't as liberal as that nigger rapin' Strom Thurmond. I met his daughter she's quite nice. And Strom do take care of her."

Bush waves a pistol, puts it to his temple, laughs puts it in Condoleeza's mouth, points it at an image of Ho Chih Minh on the TV, when there's a rap on the door. The klansmen, played by Roberts and Lott enter demanding their explosives. Bush explains that he cashed his tuition check at the Piggly Wiggly and bought drugs and whiskey. "No matter," says Roberts, "One day we'll have a syndicate of racist Chief Justices of the Supreme Court that will make such misery for niggers it would make a category five hurricane feel like a mere summer's breeze." Roberts' portrayal of Bigot Boy, much like his conformation hearings, with his numerous tattoos and pack of cigarettes wedged under his rolled up tee shirt sleeve is chillingly reminiscent of Robert Blake's portrayal of cold blooded killer Perry Edward Smith in the film version of In Cold Blood based on a book of the same name by Truman Capote.

Bush calls his daddy who sends Felix Rodriguez and Thomas Clines over to kill the two angry, cheated Klansmen. Rodriguez, wearing Che Guevara's watch, packs up the two corpses in Alliance For Progress seed catalog cartons after cutting them up Cordon Bleu style in the bathtub and packing them in ice from the soft drink machine outside the manager's office.

The manager, played by action film star, Bruce Balless, hears Rodriguez drive off with the bodies of the two Klansmen, Bigot Boy and Flat Top, played by Roberts and Lott, and decides to see what's going on in Room 7A himself. He enters, finds Bush on top of Condoleeza parting The Nile again while he snorts coke from a harmonica holder and sings Blow Me Til I'm Winded. The manager drops trow and climbs on the otherwise occupied Bush, Bush howls and shouts, "I can see my future clearly now, Lord" as the curtain falls.

The actors are all graduates of the Edward Bernays House of Method Spin whose motto is "Abandon All Truth, Ye Who Enter Here." Stage design is by Oldam Fogey and is, appropriately enough, a cross between the Oval Office and a meth-amphetamine lab. Lighting is by Pacific Gas and Electric and the stage went dark four times during the 2 hour performance. Costumes were created by Baggy Tramp, a division of Tommy Holfinger.

"Been High So Long, I Smell Like Down", a play by Slim Avery.