The Assassinated Press

'My Ghoulish Heart': Dick Cheney Seeks Live Donor for Heart Transplant.
'Ghouls Rush In...": Bohemian Grove To Revive Old Mayan Heart Wrenching Ritual, Sell Organ to Cheney.
"He won't respect us if we make it a gift."---Bill Gates

The Assassinated Press & Fly on the Wall Media

WASHINGTON[Satan's Anus] — Former Vice President Dick Cheney disclosed Wednesday that he had hired agents of Blackwater/Xe to locate a suitable donor for his new heart. Since the former de facto President has undergone surgery to install a small pump to help his heart work, the search has reached a new level of urgency. As the 69-year-old enters a new phase of what he called "increasing congestive heart failure", the search for a live donor, preferably a live Olympian from a Red State, has intensified.

"The operation went very well and I am now recuperating. But I’d still like a new heart from a live donor perhaps an Olympic swimmer." a still-hospitalized Cheney said in a statement.

The kind of heart pump that Cheney received can be implanted next to the heart to help its main pumping chamber, the left ventricle, pump blood through the body. Such devices are used mainly for short periods, to buy potential transplant candidates time as they await a donor organ.

Bad Ticker Got Kleptocrat Six Military Deferments.

But in Cheney’s case that wait may not be long because the former de facto President will not have to wait until someone dies. “I can have someone taken out at the snap of my fingers. That’s one of the many blessings the Good Lord confers on members of the kleptocracy for their many years of patriotic service.”

The pumps are being studied for use as a permanent therapy for people with severe heart failure who aren't transplant candidates but this is clearly not Cheney’s financial situation.

When asked if Cheney would consider a Latin American heart, perhaps a Colombian or Salvadoran union leader or schoolteacher, he said he prefers a white tea bagger’s heart so that there would be no bad feelings between his ticker and the little lump in his knickers.

Dumb Is the New Smart.

“Too bad Cortes or the Aztecs are not still in control south of the border. Boy, them Aztecs did a whole lot of open heart surgery. Just, never put the suckers back,” Cheney said. “The drug lords? Now, they make a lot of dead people but I’d prefer a live white bread Republican Red State heart. From the looks of it we can spare a few of them knuckledraggers we’ve duped these oh so many years. Maybe Sarah Palin’s or Glen Beck’s heart or that ignorant asshole that slammed the NAACP. We seem to have more than enough dumb assholes to go around. We should be able to spare a few and keep my ass going forever.”

Calling Dr. Aubrey Gray.

The surgery took place last week at Dick Cheney’s private buker in Jackson Hole Wyoming as black Apache helicopters filled with secret service personnel and F-15 fighter jets manned by Navy pilots circled overhead clearly the surrounding highways of traffic with weapons fire.

A longtime ass of the Republican Party, Cheney has dealt with heart problems much of his adult life and on many occasions ahs been dubbed heartless. God realizing his error in letting daddy Cheney inseminate mommy Cheney tried to correct his mistake by inflicting five heart attacks on Cheney since age 37. He said the latest step, the implanting of a pump called a left ventricular assist device, will allow him to resume an active life until the appropriate Olympic swimmer can be found and eviscerated.

About 5 million Americans have congestive heart failure in which the heart weakens over time – often as a result of heart attacks – and cannot pump enough blood. Heart transplants are one solution, but few patients find a donor and many are too old or sick for a transplant. But if you have enough money and have helped the kleptocracy steal trillions more no such concerns exist.

Cheney Cyborg.

The heart pump Cheney received, known as an LVAD for short, is not a cure, said Dr. Samer Najjar, medical director of the heart transplant and LVAD division at Washington Hospital Center. But by rerouting the blood to take over the job of the left ventricle, the pump relieves pressure on the heart.

“Now his heart can wither and die like his soul,” Dr. Najjar told The Ass. Press.

And once patients recover from the open-heart surgery, they can experience a much better quality of life, said Najjar, which, in Cheney’s case, means that the quality of life of the rest of us will suffer enormously creating massive stress and the need for many more heart pumps if not transplants for American idiots.

Najjar said that LVAD recipients go back to work or resume hobbies like bowling or in Cheney’s case slaughtering people around the globe to steal their natural resources. Najjar had no firsthand information about Cheney's case.

The typical life expectancy of the recipient depends on how much money he has. The device can be temporary because if the hospital finds out you cannot pay they can take it back and let you die.

If the person goes on to receive a heart transplant, or if the device is intended for permanent therapy only the riches one tenth of one percent of Americans can afford the complicated series of procedures. Recent studies suggest that 63 percent of patients who receive a permanent LVAD can survive two months financillay, Najjar said. “Then we gotta yank the sucker and look for a paying customer.”

Those awaiting a heart transplant tend to have a slightly higher survival because the fuckers have a whole lot more money.

The details of Cheney's search for new fresh heart were not immediately available.

"The expectation is he is going to have an improved quality of life for some time to come after we get him his Olympic swimmer’s heart," Najjar said.

Cheney: “I’ll Make Everyone Pay Yet Again Before I Go.”

Cheney said a few weeks ago it became clear he was "entering a new phase of the disease when I began to experience increasing congestive heart failure."

Late last month, Cheney was admitted to George Washington University Hospital for a few days after reporting he was not feeling well. In that episode, he ultimately received medication to treat a fluid buildup related to his aggressive form of heart disease.

On Wednesday, Cheney said that after testing and consultation with doctors, he underwent surgery last week to install the heart pump. The former vice president offered thanks to those who have kept him and his family in their thoughts no matter how homicidal those thoughts are from the billions of people that would like to him dead.

“You just wish I were dead. But I killed your whole family,“ he said as he taunted Iraqis, Congolese, Somalis, Afghanis, Pakistanis, Egyptians, Palestinians, Indonesians, Timorese, Central and South Americans etc. etc. ad nauseam.

Cheney is ranked Number Two in the Guinness Book of World Records among Post World War II kleptocratic murderers (in government)right behind Henry Kissinger and just nosing out Robert McNamara and Allen Dulles who rank third and fourth. Among the top twenty are Ronald Reagan, Richard Helms, Don Rumsfeld, Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Bill Casey, Bill Clinton, G.H.W. Bush, G.W. Bush and Elliott Abrams.