The Assassinated Press

Suicides among Skinheads, Neo-Nazi’s, Tea Baggers Soar as "Nigger" Wins Title of Hitler.
As Thomas Sowell, Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck Add Their Voices to the Obama/Hitler Chorus
Confused White Supremacists Suffer Severe Depression, Take Their Own Lives.
"I Kain't Liv and Luv in No World With a Nigger Hitler!" One Plaintive Suicide Note to Sarah Palin Reads. Another Reads-- "Dear Sarah, I Love Adolph Hitler. So If Obama Is Hitler. That Makes Me a 'Nigger Lover!'"

The Assassinated Press

All of their lives the members of the White Citizens Militia of Fort Alouette, Nebraska have been led to believe that Hitler was white, of pure Aryan blood. But now according to a recent tide from politicians and pundits Hitler is black. Hitler is none other than Barack Obama. This has caused wild disillusionment among white supremacists, neo-Nazis, skinheads, the NRA, Tea Baggers, and Christian identity groups, constituencies traditionally considered close friends and allies of the political right and the Republican Party. But according to Glen Back, Matt Drudge, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), Thomas Sowell, Sarah Palin and a host of others supported by the far right, it turns out that the genocidal racist that they and the right utterly revere is "actually a nigger” to quote Palin.

“I just can’t git my fuckin’ head around it,” a clearly distressed Bo Smoot told the Ass. Press. “Here ever since I was a little wad a shit, I been told Hitler was a white man. Not only a white man but the purest of white men. Now, that cunt Palin is saying Hitler is that mongrel Obama. Fuck. I’m so fucked up and turned around I don’t know who to shoot first, Palin, Obama, my children or myself. But you read the papers. You know how things usually turn out when a white man with a house full of guns gets stressed out.”

Members of the Christian identity group, The Heavenly Empire of Christ, have taken to going blackface around the compound or when they go into town to purchase ammunition.

“Shit. At first I thought the U.N. had sent Nigerian peace keepers to burn down the town and looked up for the fuckin' black helicopters,” said Hiram Tingle who runs the general store in town of Fort Parley, Oklahoma. “Then I realized it was just them fat, overweight nuts from the compound that walk around with their semi-automatic rifles dangling in front of their non-existent pricks.”

According to the Holy Marksman of the Heavenly Empire, suicide among confused and distressed church members has declined 21% since they accepted Obama as the one and only Hitler. “It’s hard for some. But we feel Glen Beck knows best. But now that fat little white fuck is in our crosshairs because he’s attacking our idol Adolf Obama.”

All across this great land of ours, suicides and family mercy killings are up by 34% as a result of right wing pundits and politicians insisting that Obama is the personification of the rights hero, Adolf Hitler.

For many, the news is too much to bear. Woodrow Musky killed his entire family and his wife’s family upon hearing Glen Beck declare that Barack Obama was Hitler on one of his recent broadcasts.

“Poor Woodrow jus’ couldn’t take it no more. That Glen feller just had his head spinnin’. So’s he done what any solid NRA member woulda done if his beliefs had been shaken to the core. He kilt his family.”

Forensic pathologist Pitsie Mook says her tiny Fort Hellfire, Wyoming morgue is overwhelmed with right wing suicides and homicides. "I mean these men are so distressed over the news that Hilter is a black man, they kill everything they love because frankly to them its all been a lie and they can't face that lie. They even kill their dogs and the livestock they fuck.."

Glen Beck told the Ass. Press, “Sometimes I get turned around myself. But then I remember that by calling Obama Hitler I am simply using Nazi propaganda techniques including the big lie that Goebbels gleaned from Madison Avenue and Edward Bernays. Then I feel better and the urge to kill myself subsides.”