The Assassinated Press

BP Leak Siphoning Oil Reserves from Beneath Iraq, Middle East.
‘Wormhole Effect” Spewing Entire Globe’s Underground and Undersea Oil Reserves into Gulf of Mexico.
Talk of Lining the Gulf with Fused Glad Bags to Capture World’s Oil on Table.
Halliburton, TransOcean, BP, Cheney/Bush’s Energy Slapstick Backhandedly Puts All of the World’s Oil Into U.S.’s Backyard.
An Ecstatic Cheney Wades Naked Into Giant Pool of Gulf Oil.

By Hairy Noodle
The Assassinated Press

NEW ORLEANS--- It seemed like bad news. BP chief operating officer Doug Suttles stepped to the podium to announce that BP had indeed grossly underestimated the amount of oil spewing from the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. The new, revised figure for the ‘brown goo’ was 100,000,000 barrels--- a minute.

Stunned reporters began poking at their blackberries missing keys in their delirium. It took several minutes to quiet the crowd of journalists before Suttles could deliver the good news.

BP oil analysts had determined that oil flowing into the gulf had the same bio-chemical footprint as oil held in underground reserves in the Middle East specifically Iraq and Saudi Arabia. Further, analysis had determined that indeed the Middle East especially Iraq was the source of the recent flow of oil into the Gulf.

“It appears that our gaff is draining Iraq of all of its underground oil reserves, a process known in the oil industry as ‘wormholing.’” The term ‘wormhole’ derives from astro-physics and refers to a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime that would be, fundamentally, a "shortcut" through spacetime.

"Its like, you know, when you run up all of your plastic and you need some way to get to your connect and score some 'heron' in West Baltimore. So you snap the cap off your neighbor's gas tank and take his garden hose and siphon his gas. That's what's happening in the Gulf," Suttles went on to say. "We've got our mouths firmly on their nozzles and were sucking our neighbors dry."

“The earths underground topologically is honeycombed with millions of caverns and passageways,“ Suttles (pronounced ‘sub-tles’) went on to say. “The amounts of oil stored under ground and sea are so great as to pressurize the globes entire reserve to such an extent that our little hole is serving as a conduit for literally all of it.”

Indeed, strains of oil from the Black Sea, Alaska and Siberia have also been observed rising to the surface in the Gulf.

As further evidence of the siphoning process, daily production has dropped dramatically in Iraq especially in the Kurd dominated Kirkuk region where Richard Perle has much of his money invested.

Attention has now turned from capping the leak to collecting the oil in the Gulf as dozens of energy companies bicker over territory and contracts mobilizing private security forces in the process in preparation for the first world conflict where corporations not states are the combatants.

Further, President Obama declared the war in Iraq over. “What the fuck? Soon there will be no more oil under Iraq. I’m stepping up our troop withdrawal,” he said.

Most troops will also be withdrawn from Afghanistan now that it is no longer necessary to secure the old Unocal pipeline route. “Perhaps, 20,000 troops will remain to help the CIA harvest its raw opium,” CIA Director Leon Panetta told the Assassinated Press. “Oh yeah! And we won’t be fucking with Iran or Somalia or Venezuela anymore. We got ‘em by their nutsacks. Without oil, they’ll just wither on the vine. “

“Thank god for evolution based technology,” wept tearful Marine Captain Spunk Moper. “Praise the fucking lord for placin’ all them dinosaur carcasses under the earth to make oil for my Ford Tahoe.”

Dick Cheney was so excited at hearing the news that he and his daughter Liz went skinning dipping in the gulf slavering crude over their loose, death-white, maggot-like bodies. When G.W. Bush was informed of the unexpected bonanza, he swaggered out the back door of his Houston home and fell off the back porch breaking his collarbone.