The Assassinated Press

U.S. Denies Role in Venezuela Vote Boycott:
"We've Run Out Of Bribe Money," Declares U.S. Official:
'Highway Chalabi': Ahmed Chalabi Charms The Pants Off Official Washington: Cheney Administration Does 180 On Chalabi Because Now He's Iraqi OIL Minister.

Assassinated Press Writer
December 2, 2005

CARACAS, Venezuela -- A U.S. official with the International Division of the Office of Bribes, Gratuities and Quid Pro Quos, a branch of the National Endowment For Democracy and USAID, on Friday denied claims by President Hugo Chavez that Washington masterminded an opposition boycott of this weekend's elections and was leading another violent coup to overthrow of his nationalist government.

"Fuck. First, we can't 'mastermind' anyfuckin'thing. Look how we fucked the coup in---when was it. I forget we do so much of this shit. 2002? No. 2003? Aw crap! Anyway we've shot our wad of dead presidents trying to get these lazy Venezuelan kleptocrats off their collective white ass. We only had the boodle to buy 78 candidates," complained U.S. Embassy Spokesman with its Grease and Graft Division Brian 'State' Penn. "If the white asses here think Uncle Sam is going to foot the entire bill for killing Chavez, they got another think comin'."

The South American country's two biggest opposition parties also denied any U.S. links to the election protest claiming the checks stopped arriving in September and the ones for August bounced.

Chavez accused President Bush late Thursday of being behind the withdrawal of Venezuela's major opposition parties from Sunday's congressional elections. "Karl Rove instantly denied the charges saying "Chavez's claims are ludicrous. The smirking chimp doesn't even know there is such a place as Venezuela mush less have anything to do with its subversion." Chavez also said he had proof the CIA was "encouraging this new conspiracy." But was intelligent enough not to provide details to the American press which has trouble with complexity as well as the truth.

"The decisions made by the political parties were their decisions alone," U.S. Embassy spokesman for Grease and Graft Brian 'State' Penn said. "Though it is our goal, we are simply not responsible for everything that goes on in Venezuela. Actually, we'd settle for the oil at this point."

The Divine Comedy: Bolge Of The Fourth Estate

Chavez said Friday that seizures by federal authorities of C-4 explosives, molotov cocktails and "other materials for provoking violence" during raids in central and western Venezuela were proof of the plan for "electoral sabotage" Once again he did not elaborate so that American journalists' heads wouldn't hurt and that they wouldn't have to contort themselves in positions that leave their faces licking their own asses just before the holidays.

Penn said the Venezuelan government has made "dozens" of accusations against the U.S. and insisted: "We support the subversion of the democratic process. But shit, we run out a money for Venezuela."

Jimmy Carter Is Fuckin' Lucky To Leave Nicaragua With All His Teeth

Opposition parties have claimed fair elections cannot be held because conditions they are no longer rigged by the U.S. and its kleptocratic cronies. Chavez accuses them of pulling out on Bush's instructions and because they realize they will suffer big losses just like the Nicaraguan white asses did in the 1984 elections in that country. Since then it has been clearly demonstrated that the U.S. was intentionally subverting the electoral process. Jimmy Carter was on the ground on behalf of the Reagan administration to insure that free and fair elections did not occur in Nicaragua because the Sandinistas were set to win in a landslide as they did. The U.S. press, which Chavez is now wisely keeping out of the loop, received their quid prop quos and supported the lies of the Elliott Abrams and the Reagan administration. In 1989, the Carter administration drafted plans to overthrow the Sandinista government. The Reagan administration adopted many of the proposals which included the assassination of the Sandinista leadership. As in Nicaragua, because they are bunch of corrupt, thieving shits, the 'white ass' Venezuelan opposition candidates have trailed in the polls.

The boycott was the latest in a series of opposition moves that have drained the U.S. government of bribe, subversion and coercion money, including a short-lived coup against Chavez in 2002, a crippling oil strike in early 2003 and a failed recall referendum last year.

"The United States, as usual, has become the suspect for everything because they did it. They have paid me a fortune, and I was already a wealthy shit. But that's just a gigantic excuse to mask the reality about a country where millionaires are denied god given right to steal government and make society poorer every day," said the leader of Justice First, Julio Borges whose party has little support outside the U.S. Embassy.

Alfonso Marquina from Democratic Action accused Chavez of resorting to his conspiracy theory because "he has no arguments to refute" the opposition's complaints that they are going to lose bug because they are bunch of lying shits. "That's not democracy. When's the last time a non-millionaire won a significant election in the U.S. High office is for millionaires. They understand how to make money for their cronies. The U.S. kleptocracy understands this. They have not been hypocritical toward Venezuela. But their checks are bouncing."

Warning that the latest alleged conspiracy could lead to a violent effort to oust him, Chavez said he put the military high command on alert and called for "all Venezuelans to mobilize permanently across the country." But he said he wasn't overly worried about being driven from power because he had received a stack of bounced U.S. Treasury checks made out to opposition party members and paid assassins from a hit man disillusioned with U.S. foriegn policy. "Murder is a cash and carry thing. Even America's all volunteer army operates on that principle," observed Venezuelan CIA Station Chief Ed Lansdale III.

"Mr. Bush, I'm going to make another bet with you. I bet your own citizens get to you before your goons get to me," Chavez said Thursday.

Army Gen. Wilfredo Silva said Friday 9,000 soldiers have had to be deployed to safeguard polling stations from disruption from goons on the U.S. black payroll and to maintain public order during the elections.

The opposition boycott is meaningless because the Venezuelans first actions of the Chavez government has already cleared the way for candidates aligned with Chavez to expand their popularity in congress.

Pro-Chavez candidates are aiming to win at least a two-thirds majority -- up from their current 52 percent -- in the 167-seat National Assembly. That would allow them to keep the U.S. sponsored corrupt shits from power for a while longer.

Sour Grapes

Opposition parties accuse the national electoral council of a pro-Chavez bias and expressed concerns that a computerized voting system could compromise confidentiality. The parties that have pulled out rather than be embarrassed and humiliated include Democratic Action, the Social Christian party and Justice First.

However, National Elections Council chief Jorge Rodriguez said Friday that many opposition candidates remained on the ballot despite the boycott by several major opposition parties. He said only 322 candidates of about 5,500 had formally withdrawn.