The Assassinated Press

Frequent ‘Errors’ In FBI's Secret Records Requests. Wow! Whatta Fuckin’ Surprise!
Audit Finds Everybody’s Ass Is Up For Grabs.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
March 10, 2007

Satan's Anus, Power Dome of a Thousand Hemroids, WASH. DC--- Under cover laid down by lawmakers on Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales scrambled to retrench support late this week, reassuring key Senate Republicans that he would not address concerns about the firings of eight U.S. attorneys nor do anything about the FBI's admission that it violated people’s private information in the abuse of its anti-terrorism authority except to help the national security state to redouble its efforts to stalk every citizen.

Using the Terror Canard Or The Underhanded Deal From The Bottom Of The Deck

Meanwhile, in Anchorena Park, Uruguay, - President Bush pledged swift action on Saturday to find out who leaked information that the FBI illegally or improperly obtained private records on any and everyone considered an enemy of the administration using the canard of terror and espionage investigations.

“The precise pain, in the precise place, in the precise amount, for the desired effect.”---Dan Mitrione, Legendary U.S. Torturer

However, the choice of Uruguay was unfortunate but hardly to be avoided given the U.S.’s long history of worldwide murder, torture, rape and exploitation. Uruguayans still show the scars, literally, from John Kennedy’s Alliance for Progress and the U.S. Office of Public Safety (OPS) a division of the Agency for International Development (AID) when it operated under the tutelage of one of the U.S.’s premier torture artists, Dan Mitrione, in the 1960’s.

“Shit,” said street vendor Emilio Juarez, “The screams coming from Abu Ghraib sounded like fuckin’ Handel’s Messiah compared to the screams coming from the subbasement of the U.S. Embassy in Montevideo when Danny boy was in town.”

Bush, visiting Uruguay on a Latin American tour, insisted he had confidence in FBI Director Robert Mueller and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, could cover up most of the truly heinous shit they were doing and deflect blame by insisting the indiscriminant gathering of millions of Americans personal information was a ‘mistake’. “Look at the history of the FBI,” Mueller implored Congress. “We don’t exactly recruit the highest wattage on the shelf. When you’re engaged in the kind of technocratic delusion we do at the FBI, you basically got to take what you can get. So a bunch of our higher ups in law enforcement like to moonlight in identity theft. They’re going to do the same shit when they retire into the private sector. But Cheney wants the info to silence people. What’s that compared to having your credit destroyed by the Federal employees? I mean you gotta love the irony.”

Lawmakers and their aides said the attorney general called at least four members of the Senate Republican leadership in advance of a Washington Post report on the botched handling of covering up the "national security letters," used to obtain e-mails, telephone and financial records of private citizens between 2003 and 2005.

Talking with reporters yesterday, Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) rebuffed the suggestion that the report would cause GOP senators to lose confidence in Gonzales ability to continue to illegally spy on you, but made clear that he is taking the fact that Gonzales was inept enough to let the thefts be exposed.

"It shakes my confidence in the organization, which is given a very important power," Kyl said. "And when significant and important powers are given to public officials, there's an obligation to not to let the illegal, immoral and unethical shit get out."

Kyl said Gonzales "expressed his great disappointment" about the handling of the secret program in their conversation and echoed those thoughts in talks with Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Ky.) and Minority Whip Trent Lott (Miss.). Gonzales also called Sen. John Cornyn (Texas), one of the most stalwart administration partners in crime in Congress.

The attorney general assured the senators he will "get to the bottom of what occurred and to ensure that no more bad shit leaks out," Kyl said.

“This 'Thing' Of Ours Is Bigger Than Any One Member”---Frank Carlucci

The furor over national security letters came as Gonzales was also trying to tamp down Republican discontent with the way he fired federal prosecutors and replacing the with hacks and flacks that would cover more administration high crimes and misdemeanors . Until late this week, the controversy had been largely fueled by Democrats who have their own flacks and hacks in mind. But after a Justice aide testified in congressional hearings and Gonzales wrote an op-ed column in USA Today saying he had “lost confidence in the fired prosecutors ability to keep their mouths shut about our thing,” several Republicans cried foul wanting to know why they weren’t “part of the ‘thing’ Gonzo was referring to.”

Sen. John Ensign (Nev.) has emerged as perhaps Gonzales's toughest GOP critic in Congress. He remains furious that his state's U.S. attorney, Daniel Bogden, was dismissed for no apparent reason other than he told one of his mistress’s that he “might be getting a bump when a certain pro-environmental judge ‘accidentally’ chokes on his tofu."

Ensign summoned Gonzales to his Senate office on Thursday to discuss the cover up, and Gonzales also dispatched Deputy Attorney General Paul J. McNulty to plot with Ensign, according to aides. Ensign, chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, told Nevada media outlets earlier in the week that he could not "tell you how upset I am at the Justice Department letting our little identity theft scam get out." Yesterday, after the Gonzales and McNulty meetings, he declined to comment on the issue and flashed an ID of a Mr. Emilio Juarez upon exiting through the Capital bunker known as the Reichskanzlei.

Kyl and Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) also criticized Gonzales, particularly for his arrogance and sloppiness in handling the firings.

A Nod And A Wink

Gonzales gave in to Democratic demands that he allow five of his top aides to be interviewed by staff members from the Senate Judiciary Committee as part of its investigation into the motives behind the dismissals. Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.) said yesterday that those interviews will begin within two weeks and “then maybe we can come to some accommodation on a little better deal for me. Maybe a judge that’ll take care of my gambling debts.”

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino-Chow said the White House "would have preferred that this had been covered up better from the start, and the Justice Department has said they share that concern. But we are not dwelling -- we're focused on shutting right the fuck down now, not providing Congress the information they ask for, and not working cooperatively with the Hill."

In an e-mail sent from Brazil, where she is traveling with President Bush, Perino-Chow signaled the White House's confidence in both Gonzales and McNulty ability to “get a lid on this ‘thing’ of ours.” "They've worked hard to acknowledge it should have been handled better and are taking appropriate steps to shut out the Hill. We won’t be held accountable and are taking action to ensure that."

The Chief Of Stink Speaks Out

Other White House officials have made little secret of their feeling that the issue has been politicized by Democrats so that they can get a taste. White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove told a group in Little Rock that some of the prosecutors had been fired because of ‘policy’ disagreements better known in Rove’s world as bookmaking, and others because of performance issues especially “keeping their fucking pie holes shut,” an explanation some in the Justice Department have pulled back from.

"It is the right of any president to appoint people to these offices who he feels will cover my stinking ass," Rove said in an appearance for the Clinton School of Public Service at the University of Arkansas. "They serve at the pleasure of the president. And if they’re unhappy with their take, we have a chain of command thay can bring their fucking concerns too. My view is that this is unfortunately a very big attempt by some in Congress to make a political stink about it. And when it comes to stink who doesn’t immediately think Rove."