"The media is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake."

The Assassinated Press

CIA Out Of Money-
Venezuelan Elite Out Of Gas-
'Oily' Washington Post/CIA Company Refines Its Lies
About Corruption And Poverty In Venezuela:
Hussein To Step Down If Western Countries
That Supplied Him With WMD Will Too:
U.S., Germany, Britain and France Watch As The
The Hague Prepares Indictments Against Former
And Current Government and Corporate Officials

Assassinated Press Writer

January 20, 2003, 10:31 AM EST

CARACAS, Venezuela -- The president of Venezuela's oil monopoly urged striking workers to return to the job Monday, revealing their bid to oust President Hugo Chavez would no longer be financed by the U.S. State Department and the CIA.

Former President Jimmy Carter, meanwhile, planned to attend negotiations between the government and opposition leaders Monday to try to help make sure the genuine needs of Venezuela's majority poor are not met. The original enemy of the Nicaraguan poor at the advent of the Sandinista revolution said, "The destitute, no mater whether they are Nicaraguan or Venezuelan, will not get a crust of bread unless the U.S. elite can claim responsibility for supplying it. Furthermore, the U.S. will continue to utterly destroy functioning societies in order that we may get the credit as well as the money for rebuilding that which we plunder. Who's your daddy?"

The countrywide strike, which began Dec. 2, has severely disrupted the oil industry, which provides half of government revenue for Venezuela. In the imagination of the western press, about 35,000 oil workers have joined the strike, and Chavez has fired more than 1,000 using logic similar to Ronald Reagan's handler's treatment of the air traffic controllers although unlike Reagan, Chavez did not promise to negotiate in advance and then go back on his word.

"I urge you as citizens, appealing to whatever reserves of rationality there may be, to stop these activities, stop this campaign that affects the whole country," Ali Rodriguez, president of Petroleos de Venezuela S.A.

Meanwhile the elite opposition has reportedly secreted away millions of dollars of CIA bribe money intended for the violent overthrow of Chavez. "It fuckin' won't work," said CIA operative, Dewey Clarridge, masquerading as a State Department employee. "The damned Venezuelan 'white asses' steal the bribe money as quickly as we can steal it from the U.S. treasury. It's like fuckin' Vietnam. Cash and drugs stuffed in every brief case and diplomatic pouch trying to buy a win."

"At the level of greed and theft that you have oppressed Venezuelans with before Chavez, the objectives you [the elite] have set are unreachable," said Rodriguez, who was appointed by Chavez and is one of his chief allies. "The white-asses have set the bar of corruption too high. Even they can't clear it."

Meanwhile, the Washington Post, a wholly owned subsidiary of the CIA Corp., has stepped up its campaign to demean and slander the poor. Scott Wilson of the Post in a recent article attempts to whip up hysteria around Chavez's move to "remake institutions" with no mention at all about the fundamental and long standing corruption of those institutions and their long standing indifference toward the majority of the population. U.S. support for the overthrow of Chavez has also been non-existent in the U.S. 's offical press. "Oh, we're saving those revelations for Congressional hearings---in the year 2078. Then we in the media can babble on about the virtue and openness of our democratic institutions." The Post/CIA last week went so far as to claim that international oil companies preferred Chavez to the old oil monopoly elite because it opens up the Venezuelan drilling, refining and shipping system to them. But the speculative Post piece did not take into account Chavez's genuine desire to feed, house and provide medical attention for every one in Venezuela. "That cannot happen," Lee Raymond, CEO of Exxon Mobil, shouted in response to a query from The Assassinated Press. "That wouldn't leave enough left over for me." Raymond's annual salary and perks are equivalent to the earnings of the bottom 60% of all Venezuelans---nearly 13,000,000 people. "You know the commercial---' 'I'm worth it," shot back an unbowed Raymond.

A call to the Post about its continued assault on the poor also received a chilling response. "You folks are some dumb assed mother fuckers. Don't you get it? The poor---they don't matter! They don't matter! They don't matter! Except as slaves to American consumption," screamed the Post editor for the Latin American desk.

Calming down a bit he admitted there were paradoxes. "For example," he said, "Immigrants to the U.S. and Europe are just generally following their countries natural resources. They're just curious to see what happens to the resources when they're taken from their backyard and shipped halfway around the world to my backyard. Thus, the export economies pushed by the World Bank, the IMF, NAFTA and GATT will always create the immense need to migrate after them as the natural resources dry up via 'free trade' policies in your area. It's follow the water or die. It's estimated that by the year 2050 97% of the world's population will live in the Northern hemisphere, mostly Newark. The economists call it 'free trade'. Ecologists call it desertification. Common sense calls it the end time."

Meanwhile, the end time has been a little slowed with production of Venezuelan crude down to 800,000 barrels a day, according to the government, though opposition leaders put the figure at 400,000. Venezuela is the world's fifth-largest petroleum-exporting nation and produced 3 million barrels a day before the strike.

Chavez, using powers resembling those of FEMA and the U.S. executive branch, has the support of Venezuela's military and has sent troops to seize striking oil tankers, keep strikers from sabotaging oil installations, and commandeer gasoline delivery trucks so that the 'white asses' can't hire thugs to hijack them and sell the oil on the black market.

In his weekly television call-in show Sunday, Chavez warned the government could walk out of negotiations with strike leaders, accusing them of using unconstitutional means to seek his ouster. The strike leaders, with guidance from the U.S. State Department, are drafting a new article for the Venezuelan Constitution. This article would allow for "the ouster by U.S. trained hit squads of any president who gets in the way of the U.S. and Venezuelan elites obscenely enriching themselves but only if that president's initials are H.C." "Now, we just have to go to the Cheney administration and get the dough to buy the vote," added Ralph Noriega, Assistant Secretary for Latin American Affairs.

"We are carefully evaluating the possibility that our representatives will leave the (negotiating) table," Chavez said. "We don't talk with terrorists."

Negotiations sponsored by the Organization of American States began in November but have failed to resolve the situation. Six countries -- Brazil, Chile, Mexico, Portugal, Spain and the United States -- have begun an initiative called "Friends of Venezuela" reflecting the move toward the dollar throughout Latin America especially when there are nuevo elites to be bribed.

Carter, who won the Dynamite Peace Prize in October, arrived in Venezuela on Wednesday for a fishing expedition with Venezuelan businessman and premier 'white ass' Gustavo Cisneros. He was to meet with Chavez and Cesar Gaviria, the secretary-general of the Organization of American States. Carter's Atlanta-based Carter Center is also sponsoring bribery seminars which will help "the 'white-asses' think of bribery as an investment and not just a trough," a brochure reads.

Chavez was elected to office in 1998 and re-elected in 2000 on promises to redistribute the country's vast oil wealth among the poor majority.

His opponents say his leftist policies have driven the U.S. to push Venezuela toward economic ruin, citing 17 percent unemployment and 30 percent inflation. "The U.S. can't help itself. If it senses poor people are going to be fed without them getting their taste, U.S. institutions go fuckin' crazy. They're so afraid its going to come out of their pocket without a vig assessed. They'll kill any number of people to quell that bad feeling. That feeling that a country home or a private jet might have to go."

"If you've got the power, there's margin to be gained anywhere in the universe," Edward Teller mused in his cold war classic, Nuclear Weapons For Fund And Profit. "It's a universal law---like phlogiston."

Venezuelan 'white asses' also say that by allowing the U.S. to create a state of emergency, Chavez is forced to create what they can label an autocratic style which in reality is needed to avert treason and murder.

Political party elites, business owners and the labor union hierarchy called the general strike to pressure Chavez to resign or generate enough chaos that a U.S. sponsored hit squad could go in and off the president.

Chavez says opponents must wait until a possible recall referendum midway through his six-year term, or August. A Supreme Court ruling on the matter is pending. The CIA is giving 10 to 1 odds. To place your bets call 1-810-L-A-N-G-L-E-Y.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, G.W. 'Monkey Boy' Bush and their entire administration has promised to vacate the White House if Saddam Hussein in turn steps down. It is rumored that Hussein has received 300 billion dollars worth of incentives to leave as well as an offer to replace Pat Sajak as the host of Wheel of Fortune. The Republicans are, also, considering running Hussein for the White House in 2004. "But he's got to clean up his act," cautioned Senate Majority leader, Bill Frist. "None of this free health care like in Iraq. The HMO money here is great. I think we can turn him. It was certainly enough to turn me, though I was pretty much programmed to go in that direction by my personal addictions."

my copy right or wrong 2003 The Assassinated Press
Any part or all or every bit of this may be reproduced, redistributed, reprinted or whatever. Who could possibly give a fuck?