The Assassinated Press

The Republicans: “We Got Fuckin’ Nothin’!”
‘Pledge--- A Lemon!’
At Least, the Tea Buggers Have Their Bigotry and Fear. “I ruther sufer and dy for the Cornstoottootshun than stop bein’ a bigot. My wite skin is al I got.”

The Assassinated Press

FORT JIM CROW, VA---Armed with its 21 page Pledge to America which if stacked end to end would reach the fuselage of a Titan rocket which could theoretically put a man on the moon, Republicans took off their ties and rolled up their sleeves for their Dukakis moment at a local Virginia lumberyard.

With sleeves rolled up Republican lawmakers showed off their blue collar, public relations cred. House Minority Leader Bohner (which means ‘lying sack of shit’ in over 300 of the world’s major languages) showed off his ‘I Love Goldman’s Sach’ tattoo on his inner thigh.

Dumb Is the New Smart.

Stripped naked with an aide spraying tanning solution into the Minority Leader’s crack, Bohner launched the Republicans November election campaign slogan---“We Got Nothing! But after November elections Barack Obama Will Still Be Black.” “And I’ll look like your grandpa’s copper chamber pot/spittoon. The choice is yours.”

Rep. Eric Cantor spoke of distracting voters in November. “Whenever an issue comes up just point in some random direction and say, look at that shit over there. And when attention returns to the issue do it again. Hey, fuck, look a little brown guy sneaking across Park Avenue. Even if there’s nothing there just go ‘Holy shit, wouldja look at that. A minaret in Minneapolis. A minimart in the mountebank. A mullahs mullet in a mason jar. It fucking don’t got to make no sense. There’s plenty enough ignorance and bigoted hatred out there to ride any wave of our PR wave generator generates.”

“And when we say self-governing society, we not talking anarcho-syndicalism. We don’t even know what the fuck that is and the fact that their credo is in our ‘Pledge’ don’t mean shit because we don’t mean shit by our ‘Pledge.’

I’m a Yankee Diddler Dandy

Race Baitin’--- Si! Masturbatin’--- Yeah, well,--- Si. We don’t give a shit what that porky little housewife yaps.

The GOP has long chafed. Even oiled up freaks like John Boehner chafe.

Now under criticism from President Obama and the Democrats that it is "the party of no" if anything we find the Republicans more oily than ever yet more chafed. What its new campaign blueprint shows is that if it takes control of the House, it will become "the party of nothing."

Pledge--- A Lemon!

At its heart, the Republicans' "Pledge to America" represents a promise to stop black presidencies in their tracks, actually stop anyone of color - stop the minority economies, stop the financial bailout program for all but the Wall Steet banking and investment comunity, repeal the health-care law to prevent infant mortality from continuing to fall in minority communies, stop spending to help the poor and stop the elimination of tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans.

But Most of All Reignite Bigotry Under the Guise of the Above

GOP leaders hope their proposal will show voters that they have plenty of bigots in their ranks. Tea Bugs Have Republican Scratching Their Most Intimate Inner Thoughts About Race.

Like the "Contract With America" that Republicans issued 16 years ago under their House speaker, Newt Gingrich (Ga.), “the whole fucking Pledge is designed not only to promote a code for bigotry. There are no concrete proposals to include in campaign ads this fall but also to help the party hit the ground running if Republicans win the House because anything concrete would lay bare the rampant racism that infests the Republican Party and the Tea Bed Buggers.

A Black Man Was Elected Anyway.

Although the new blueprint exists in part because of the abject failure of the 1994 Contract, its announcement highlighted the anti-African American and Latino political mood. Sixteen years ago, Gingrich assembled GOP House incumbents and challengers, in suits and ties, on the steps of the Capitol to present the Contract on America.

After several wars and dozens of economic hustles leading to countless deaths, the GOP with the coup de grace of USA imminent, wants to cut America’s throat once and for a blled Uncle Slimey out on Main Street for every red blooded Yankee Diddler to see.

On Thursday, House Minority Leader John ‘The Tone Bone’ Boehner (Ohio) and other GOP leaders, in shirt sleeves and open collars trying to look like they work for living, traveled 40 miles outside Washington to a hardware store to be associated with the old Jim Crow south.

The Pledge is asswipe in the guise of a governing agenda

. The Pledge is asswipe the guise of a governing agenda. If the blueprint for conservative government contains any real surprises, they come in the form of little stinky squats rather than anything that rises above contempt and scatological ridicule.

The document is filled with rhetorical bullshit that echo that racist language heard for the past year or more from tea party activists nationwide. Its opening paragraphs bow to the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and describe Washington, D.C., much the way colonists once described King George III who incidentally was mad.

Self-Hating Poo: Boehner “Damn, I’m one of them fucking elites and I like my K Street hookers.” Washington is portrayed as arrogant and out of touch, ruled by "self-appointed elites" who are willfully ignoring the people's interests like all of the K Street lobbyists that lavish cash and hookers on Republican officials and staffs.

GOP Promotes Anarchism

Consider this statement on the opening page of the Pledge: "In a self-governing society, the only bulwark against the power of the state is the consent of the governed, and regarding the policies of the current government, the governed do not consent."

That sets up the contrast Republicans have been trying to draw for November, a grievance election that capitalizes on Americans' bigotry and ignorance of anarcho-syndicalism and the lack of more significant progress in turning around the economy against every GOP obstruction imaginable and the backlash on the right against the government's existence under a black man.

The overall thrust of the Pledge is a call for smaller and more limited government, but within limits except when it benefits wealthy Republicans, bankers and corporations. Republicans have embraced many of the easy proposals - easy in the sense that they are broadly popular within their coalition. They include extending all of President George W. Bush's tax cuts and overturning Obama's health-care law that have support among Tea baggers who would prefer to remain bigots even as it adversely works against their own self-interest.

Fuck. Not enough bigots willing to give up their Medicare

But a paragraph halfway through the Pledge sums up the limits of the Republicans' willingness to rely on bigots while losing older bigots voters who rely on Social Security or remain living breathing bigots. Dead Bigots Ain’t No Use to Us Come November.

Under the innocuous title of "Reforming the budget process to focus on long-term challenges," Republicans say nothing but we’d love to steal that social security and Medicaid funding but we can’t say so because then even you bigoted fucks maybe wouldn’t vote for us.

"We will make the decisions that are necessary to protect our entitlement programs for today's seniors and future generations unless you Tea Buggers like Joe Miller and Sharon Angle want us to set up a system where Wall Street can steal the funding. That means requiring a full accounting of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, setting benchmarks for these programs and reviewing them regularly and preventing the expansion of unfunded liabilities even while we look at ways of stealing it."

That language neatly skirts one of the toughest challenges facing both parties in the years ahead: how to allow the kleptocracy to loot entitlement programs. That issue may come quickly to the fore when the president's debt and deficit commission issues its recommendations at the end of the year and the privatization horseshit resurfaces and wafts across the country’s collective nose like a steamer from George Will’s ass after a fundraising dinner at the Republican Club.

Boehner offered no more details to reporters on the scene waiting until he gets his marching orders from the Wall Street thieves.

Identifying the scope of the long-term financial theivery is one thing. Offering solutions - whether through privatizing Social Security, changing the cost-of-living formula, offering personal or private accounts or other measures to put the money into the klpetocracy’s pocket - is another. Faced with an opportunity to offer voters a clearer indication of how they would tackle entitlements, Republicans kept them hidden in the unlikely even the dumb fucks might catch on.

Rep. Paul Ryan (Wis.) told CNN on Thursday that the drafters of the Pledge acted with the knowledge that, at most, they would have power next year only within a divided government. What they are offering, he said, are proposals they think they could deliver money to the rich and further impoverish everyone else.

There are other gaps in the document. Republicans pledged to roll back most government spending that doesn’t go into the pockets of their rich handlers to the levels that existed before the economic collapse. After that they promise to establish "hard caps" on new discretionary spending unless that money is designed to be stolen by their wealthy puppet masters. Going back to 2008 levels, they said, would save $1 trillion over 10 years. But extending the tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans would eat up most of those savings, an estimated $700 billion.

On defense and national security, the Republicans offered robust support for defending the country because the rich shits that control them make the dough (see Smedley Darlington Butler) and called for more spending so the rich can steal that too. They did not acknowledge the unfolding debate about cutting the Pentagon budget. Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates has outlined cuts estimated at $100 billion over five years mostly money earmarked for vets.

The Pledge sets no specific targets for reducing or eliminating the deficit, lying about some shit fantasy of "a responsible, fact-based conversation with the American people about the scale of the fiscal challenges we face and the urgent action that is required to deal with them." When the fuck have you ever seen that?

Boehner has used that language repeatedly this year because he’s a pure shit merchant. Is it a cover for a set of kleptocratic policies Republicans know they want to enact or a concern that the calls by tea bugger activists to dramatically shrink government are more than a broader swath of the public will accept? Its kleptocratic policies and the tea buggers are their unwiytting dupes not the other way around.

The White House and Democratic leaders predictably denounced the blueprint as a return to failed policies. The reaction among conservatives was more illustrative of the challenges GOP leaders face.

The editors at National Review Online enthusiastically embraced the Pledge, arguing that the document is bolder horseshit than the "Contract On America" with more potential for kleptocratic theft. The Contract, they said, merely promised votes on bills designed so the rich could steal and control even more. "The pledge," they argued, "commits Republicans to working toward a broad theft agenda that, if implemented, would make the federal government significantly poorer, Congress less accountable and America more like Haiti without French and a black president."

Other conservatives were sharply critical. RedState's Erick Erickson called it "dreck . . . a diet full of sugar." He called the detailed document - 21 pages compared with the Contract's 869 words - a series of "compromises and milquetoast rhetorical flourishes in search of unanimity among House Republicans because the House GOP does not have the fortitude to lead boldly and steal everything all at once."

Those dueling assessments underscore the tensions within the Republican coalition – steal now or steal later, the aspirations of conservative anti-Washington activists to significantly forcefully bring back the racist past and the limitations imposed on those who have the responsibility to steal for the kleptocracy so keep that Federal money rolling in. If they are able to win the majority in November, Republican leaders once again will be faced with the test of stealing as much as they can until they fuck up so bad, people shove them aside in favor of some kinder, gentler theft.