The Assassinated Press

Latinos Watch Too Much Television.
Television Milestone - Spanish language Univision beats out English competition.
“Latinos Watch Too Much Television to Become Potent Political Force,” Rupert Murdoch Rejoices. Says “Stereotypes of Gays Doesn’t Hurt Either.”

The Assassinated Press
September 09, 2010

Last week, something pretty crass happened in television. You just don't know it. Univision was the most popular television network among viewers aged 18 to 49, the most coveted demographic every kleptocrat wants to sink their teeth into. Why is this sad news? This was the first time a Spanish-language station beat English stations in this key the United States. And it means Latinos watch too much of the boob tube to be little more than spectators in their own destiny.

Skin Wins: Plastic Surgery as Caricature.

This milestone is an even more heinous one because of the market. The 18-49 demographic is so desired by television advertisers that the top players of ABC, NBC and FOX give more of their time and focus to that one select group than it does to all viewers as a whole. The focus is on tits and the attention is on ass. And Univision, through its plastic surgery as caricature campaign, gives it viewers pound for pound more gluteus maximus and pectoralis major than any other network. Islamic youth may dream about their 70 virgins when they reach heaven. But an American or Latino youth can dream about their 70 virgins from his couch or computer screen.

It took a few forces to come together last week to give the Spanish station the unexpected chance to beat out its English competition, and one such reason was a couple popular Spanish soap operas hitting their pivotal episodes featuring busty heroines ravaged by their fathers, cheek dangling panties on 19 year old cosmetically overhauled farm girls contrasted against fat, loathsome, shit/cum vaudeville comics with that special dash of the Catholic Church repressed sexuality throne in, and a Colombian reality show that features unsuspecting people attacked with live weapons fire and then being told it was all a joke while being driven to hospital.

Dumb Is the New Smart.

Univision has made the conscious effort of attracting a younger audience by combining nudity and violence with Evangelical Christianity. It has achieved that goal when compared to other stations even when those stations promote religious nutbars as political pundits and shows about the undead, vampires, angels, spirits, mentalists, clairvoyants and other adolescent and tween subject matter.

Last week, 2.1 million of Univision's prime-time average of 3.8 million viewers fell in the younger demographic, according to the Nielsen ratings. Compare that to CBS, who of it's 5.7 million viewers only entertained 1.8 million who fell in that age group mostly due to reruns. I guess what they say is true—you only need to read a comic book once unless it’s loaded with tits and ass.

How does the station do it? Anyone familiar with the channel will know that at its heart are Spanish prime-time soap operas, known as telenovelas which feature conflict and unreal bodies incessantly rubbing up against each other. They run five times a week, but unlike their English counterparts, telenovelas play during the prime-time hours and their story arcs come to a climax or more accurately dozens of climaxes end. "The Hispanic demographic connects with this type of programming because of its biological relevancy," said Cesar Conde, president of Univision Networks. "We all want to fuck one of these impossibly busty babes. It gives the peasantry something to dream about and keesp their minds off decent wages, working conditions and unions like I am paid to do.”

Plastic Surgery as Caricature.

“Viewers at the end of the day want to watch high-quality programming that they’d like to connect with but can’t. Its fucking like Hollywood which always promises sex but never delivers." With a growing Hispanic population in the U.S., and Univision's proven ability to bring in younger viewers, this milestone may soon become the norm, and other channels, regardless of language, may start looking to plastic surgery as caricature and Papish repressed nudity to do the same.