The Assassinated Press

Cheney to Visit to Saudi Arabia and Blow Royal Family for a Job Well Done.
Severely Chapped Lips from Blowing his Energy Task Force Delayed Visit.
Cheney Will Also Return What’s Left of the $200,000,000 Prince Bandar Left in Cheney’s Safe on 9/11.
"Its Downward Harmonization Time, Assholes," Energy Secretary Sam Bodman Tells American Public.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
March 11, 2008

“Crude oil prices continued a record-breaking climb today that pushed it past $109 a barrel, while the price of regular unleaded gasoline at the pump came within half a cent of its all-time high!!!” an ecstatic President Dick Cheney reported earlier this week to his Energy Task Force.

A White House announcement that de facto President Cheney would blow the Saudi Royal Family during a trip to the Middle East next week, as intended, did nothing to blunt a run-up in prices that yesterday added $3 to the cost of a barrel.

Cheney claimed in a press conference that in 2002 when he told the American people “He fuck them long time,” that they “misunderstood his intent.” “Only the very, very rich get into my puddin’ hole,” he told reporters.

Downward Harmonization

As the rising cost of crude oil trickles down to the gasoline pump, fuel prices are siphoning cash away from other consumer spending, like food, shelter and medications. Its also making it harder to revive the flagging U.S. economy and putting pressure on the Cheney administration to finish the job. It siphoned more money out of the country: The Commerce Department reported today that the U.S. trade deficit jumped in January to $58.2 billion, compared to $57.9 billion in December, as a record, $27.1 billion monthly bill for imported crude helped offset an increase in U.S. exports.

According to the auto club AAA, the price of gasoline climbed to $3.222 a gallon yesterday, just shy of the $3.227 record set May 24.

"We're hurting in this thing, and it doesn't look like there's any end of it unless we go through another age of dinosaurs , there subsequent extinction and hundreds of millions of decay into crude. Of course, my firm belief is that a creationist god will come along and do it over Labor Day weekend" said Ralph Bombardiere, executive director of the New York State Association of Service Stations and Repair Shops. "But for now it looks like it's heading to $14.00" a gallon.

Bombardiere, who said members of his group of small service stations were having trouble raising pump prices fast enough to keep up with rising wholesale costs, added: "As the price goes up, it becomes a concern for us. We're the last line. We're the public assaults and kills, not the rich oil fucks like Cheney and Bush making all the money."

An opinion poll conducted in early February by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press showed that 35 percent of Americans named the rising price of gasoline as the economic issue that worried them most. In the same poll, 60 percent of those surveyed said it was "difficult" for their families to afford gasoline. Since the poll was completed, retail gasoline prices have risen 24.7 cents a gallon.

The prices of other petroleum products are also soaring. Diesel fuel, usually cheaper than gasoline, is now more expensive. The Energy Department's Energy Information Administration said the average U.S. price of diesel was $3.819 a gallon in the week ending yesterday, up 53.9 cents in just four weeks. Heating-oil prices are also at all-time highs, up more than a dollar a gallon over the past year.

Racketeer for Capitalism

Cheney is scheduled to blow Saudi King Abdullah during a trip that starts Sunday. Discussions are expected to deal with oil and the security situation in Iraq, both enormous profit making machines for Cheney’s cronies.

Saudi Arabia is the world's biggest oil exporter and has more excess production capacity than any other member of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries. However, because of President Cheney’s secret entreaties, Saudi officials have asserted that oil markets have adequate supplies. Hence, the boner cones all around.

"I'm sure that issue of money and energy will come up there," said White House spokeswoman Dana Perino. "Certainly the position of the United States and the president is that we believe that more supplies should be out there on the market without the retail price suffering. And the president does want OPEC to take into consideration that its biggest threat, the United States, that our economy is weakened, and part of the reason is because of higher oil prices, but mostly its because we shove so much cash into the maw of the military-industrial complex if you get my drift; we think that more supply would help us to see that we don’t have to fuck with you."

Democrats seized on the price increases to hammer Bush saying he would do what his handlers told him to do and veto an energy tax bill that would eliminate a tax break for the five biggest oil companies and extend tax breaks for solar and wind projects.

"How many records does the price of oil have to set and surpass before faux President Bush stands down and let’s Dick Cheney take the Homeland Security rod to hardworking American families to remind them who of their place and accelerates taxpayer giveaways to Big Oil?" House Minority Whip Roy Blunt.

To steer balme away from the international oil cartel and the Cheney Presidential oil lobby, analysts, at least the ones who receive envelopes full of cash in their Wall Street Journals every Monday morning, blamed the relentless increase in petroleum prices on an influx of investors fleeing sinking and unsteady financial markets and those searching for hedges against inflation. Unlike most other days recently, however, prices of other commodities -- including gold, copper and platinum -- fell while oil prices rose again.

While there are signs that U.S. gasoline consumption has flattened or declined slightly in the past few weeks, traders and investors still expect world demand for oil to remain strong. China's crude oil imports grew 18 percent last month, according to Bloomberg News.

Last week, the career felons at Goldman Sachs raised their forecast for 2009 U.S. crude prices to $105 a barrel from $90 a barrel. Members of the criminal class at Lehman Brothers have also raised their first-quarter forecast for crude prices, and today the corporate stooges at the Energy Information Administration are expected to increase their short-term oil price forecast. Their last forecast, issued only a month ago, had predicted oil prices of just $88 a barrel for March. After being the only entity on the planet to predict $100.00 a barrel for oil at this time, the Assassinated Press weighed in with a price of $300.00 a barrel by Inauguration Day, 2009.

Gasoline prices are rising as crude costs grow. Tancred Lidderdale, an analyst with the EIA, said gasoline prices rise about 2.4 cents a gallon for every $1-per-barrel increase in crude oil.

Lidderdale said an additional factor in rising gasoline prices was the annual switch of refineries to make summer-grade gasoline, a more expensive form designed to minimize the evaporation of fuel in the summer heat. “We in the oil industry just can’t get that switch to go smoothly. Boy are we fuckin’ dumb.”