The Assassinated Press

Exxon Mobil's Profit in 2007 Tops $40 Billion.
Oil Company Throws Huge Bash at Arlington Cemetery to Thank Those Who Made the Record Profits Possible.
Robber Barons Literally Dance on Dead Vets' Graves to the Tunes of Rascal Flats.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
February 2, 2008

Buoyed by soaring crude oil prices and a free hand to rip off pretty much anyone they please, Exxon Mobil announced yesterday at an enormous party and free concert held on the grounds of Arlington Cemetery in Arlington Virginia that it set new records for U.S. quarterly and annual corporate profits in 2007, and Chevron, whose new spokesman, Bob Dylan, performed for the moguls and their guests and which is the nation's second-largest oil company, also reported big gains in earnings.

Exxon broke the record it previously had set for profits by a U.S. corporation, earning $40.6 billion last year. It earned $11.7 billion in the fourth quarter, or $2.13 a share, up 14 percent from the fourth quarter of 2006. Revenue for the quarter rose 30 percent, to $116.64 billion. Exxon's profit for the year came to $4.6 million an hour.

Chevron said its profit rose 29 percent, to $4.9 billion, or $2.32 a share. Chevron's quarterly revenue grew 29 percent, to $61.41 billion. Profits of the five biggest international oil companies have tripled since 2002.

Kenneth P. Cohen, Exxon Mobil's vice president for public affairs, said “we felt we just had to do something for all the people who made these record profits possible. And who is more deserving than all those who died securing the rights of capital around the world under the guise of democracy and freedom.”

The Grateful Undead

The executives literally danced on the graves of the thousands of veterans buried at Arlington as a gesture of gratitude for their sacrifice. Performers included Paul McCartney, Toby Keith, Carnal Karl, Tom Nugent, Snoop Dawg, Britney Spears and Merle Haggard.

George Washington Eat Yourself Out

After Cohen’s brief speech, Dylan broke into a rather retrograde and hollow rendition of Masters of War as executives from Lockheed Martin, Boeing and Aegis etc. looked on and howled with laughter from the podium and guests danced between the tombstones many of the women, decked out in designer gowns and jewels, grinding their asses on the white crosses in a macabre lap dance. Ann Coulter was seen going from cross to cross giving each one a blow job or easing her amazingly pliable love flaps over the vertices and grinding up and down generating such force from the pussy suction she yanked cross after cross clear out of the ground and shot it across the Potomac at the Democratic headquarters on South Capitol Street. President Cheney had absolutely no trouble sliding his sphincter over the tops of crosses lubing square peg after square peg over his supple round chocolate whizzway.

Looking on from the podium sat executives from Fluor, Bechtel, Halliburton, KBR, Dyncorp, Blackwater, Triple Canopy, Westinghouse, CACI, Titan, Custer Battles, General Dynamics, Nour, and others. The estimated cost of the party was $2 billion dollars with most of that outsourced to Halliburton/KBR. After the party Halliburton/KBR presented Parks and Planning with overruns of $18 billion dollars which the Pentagon immediately approved calling it essential for national security.

After being promised immunity from prosecution, Blackwater supplied security for the party and promptly gunned down 73 onlookers.

Cohen said the earnings reflected the company's "long-term, disciplined approach" in making the American consumer “Detroit’s bitches and petroleum junkies,” investing long ago in the destruction of public modes of transportation and efforts to make more fuel efficient cars and create alternative fuels, not to mention massive Madison Avenue brain washing campaigns. With mounting exploration costs and increasingly remote oil prospects, Cohen said, the large revenues were needed to meet "the massive PR campaign required to keep the Great American Bald Lemming in line."

Tough Talk From Wahington

In Washington, the earnings were seen as outsized. Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.), chairman of the Joint Economic Committee, issued a statement saying, "Congratulations to ExxonMobil and Chevron -- for reminding Americans why they cringe every time they pull into a gas station and for reminding Washington why it needs to act swiftly to break our dependence on foreign oil and roll back unnecessary tax incentives for oil companies."

The announcement of record profits came on the same day the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries was meeting in Vienna. The 13-member group, which produces about 40 percent of the world's petroleum, decided to leave its output unchanged despite crude oil prices that continue to hover around $90 a barrel, about 35 percent higher than they were a year ago.

During his visit to Saudi Arabia last month, Faux President Bush was told to suggest that OPEC boost production to ease oil prices, but yesterday the group issued a statement saying that current markets, "coupled with the projected economic slow-down," meant that "current OPEC production is sufficient to meet expected demand for the first quarter of the year and if its not who gives a fuck about America. Their kleptocracy is always trying to kill us and steal our shit anyway. So fuck ’em."

If anything, the group suggested that it might trim production in the coming weeks. Citing "significant uncertainties associated with the projected downturn in the global economy," it said there was a need for "vigilant attention with predators like Exxon Mobil around" and that the organization would "take every measure deemed necessary to keep the dog’s out of their dish."

But the prospect of high oil prices well above current levels will translate into more big profits for the major international oil companies. Though they are net buyers of crude oil to supply their refineries and retail gasoline stations, the companies also have large amounts of their own crude oil production which was paid for by the blood of those now housed in Arlington pegged to world prices.

In the last three months of 2007, Exxon Mobil produced 2.5 million barrels a day of crude oil and natural gas liquids. The figure was down almost 1 percent from the year before because Exxon's operation in Venezuela was nationalized and because, as prices rise, some exporting countries cut Exxon's share of production both in response to the American kleptocracy’s willingness to use the U.S. military for foreign adventures in Iraq, Afghanistan and Somalia and its international secret police, the CIA, in places like Chad, the Sudan, Venezuela, Bolivia and Kenya as well as the suddenly global NATO alliance which seems to pop up everywhere the U.S. kleptocracy wants to grift somebody’s shit or build a pipeline.

The drop in volume was more than offset by higher prices. The price of crude oil was $29 a barrel higher than the year before, said Henry Hubble, Exxon Mobil's vice president of investor relations. Even after paying taxes and expenses, Exxon earned $20.97 a barrel in profits on its production, Hubble said.

Exxon Mobil Knows a Good Deal When They Seize It

Exxon boosted capital spending last year to $20.9 billion, up 5 percent from 2006. About three-quarters of that went into off-shore accounts and for security provided by firms like Blackwater and Triple Canopy, with much of the rest for yachts and hookers. That was still outstripped by the amount of money the company spent to repurchase its own shares. In 2007, Exxon Mobil bought 386 million shares of its common stock at a cost of $31.8 billion. About all of that went into company golden parachutes and bonus schemes; the rest went toward reducing the number of shares outstanding.