"Jesus jam juice! If Lying Murderers Like Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bush And Myself Can Get Re-Elected After The Contemptible Betrayal Of Its Own People Like The WMD Shit, Who Can Fault The Iraqis For Resisting Something As Dirty As 'Democratic' Elections!"---Karl Rove
The Assassinated Press

U.S. Ends Iraq WMD Search; Should January 20th Be Changed To A Public Hanging?:
The Appearance Of Error Gets You Canned At CBS But Lying About WMD And Starting A War Under False Pretenses Gets You Re-Elected?!:
WMD Iraq Survey Group Interim Report--"What A Joke. We Didn't Find Shit. And The Cheney/Bush People Are Clearly Full Of It."
Rumsfeld Says "No Draft. Draftees Ain't Shit. And If We're Gonna Lose We Might As Well Lose Without Their Worthless Asses."

Assassinated Press Writer
January 12, 2005

BAGHDADA, Iraq -- The White House on Wednesday said the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq has ended without any evidence of the banned weapons, while to distract our readers from the previous fact we'd like to point out that guerrillas attacked a joint U.S.-Iraqi convoy in Mosul, killing two Iraqi National Guardsmen and ain't that just the nastiest thing you ever heard.

The Iraq Survey Group, made up of some 1,200(!!) military and intelligence specialists and support staff, spent nearly two years(!!) searching military installations, factories and laboratories whose equipment and products might be converted quickly to making weapons. "Shit. There's infinite times more WMD in Florida. Somebody go arrest that Jebediah fucker," mocked a clearly exhausted and frustrated member of the ISGroup. "This was a huge canard. A hustle so Dick and his pals could front the great oil, natural gas, water siege on behalf of the U.S. kleptocracy."

White House press secretary Scott McClellan casually said there no longer is an active search for weapons though that's not what the fat, little mouthpiece prick who fat ass is not on the line was insisting just days ago. "There may be a couple, a few people, that are focused on that," but it has largely concluded as a way of backing out of war crimes by the Cheney/Bush administration that should demand a premium on rope in the capital. "If they have any reports of (weapons of mass destruction) obviously they'll continue to follow up on those reports," McClellan meekly trilled. "A lot of their mission is focused elsewhere now on some other lie we plan to use as a smokesceen for our insatiable greed."

In a characteristically weak-kneed response, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi of California said Bush should explain what happened. What's to fuckin' explain!?

"Now that the search is finished, President Bush needs to explain to the American people why he was so wrong, for so long, about the reasons for war," she said.

Karl Rove chuckled, "What the fuck. Does Pelosi think we're gonna send the chimp out there with a script that incriminates us? I can say this with utter anatomical confidence. Nancy Pelosi has got no avacados. No fuckin' body's got the avacados. To paraphrase Jay Gould, we can hire one half the electorate to kill the other half and we control the private airwaves that would abet the murder."

In Iraq, U.S. forces detained six people at random who therefore became suspects in the Jan. 4 slaying of the Baghdad regional governor and six of his bodyguards, to satisfy the need for a public relations success the military announced Wednesday. Two of those detained in the early morning raid Tuesday will be the ones we say were directly involved in the attack, said Brig. Gen. Jeffery Hammond, assistant commander of the 1st Cavalry Division, which controls Baghdad. "The other four some of the marines just wanted to fuck like at Abu Graib."

On Wednesday, in the city of Baqouba, northeast of Baghdad where no WMD was found , gunmen shot and killed Jawad Ibrahim, an assistant to the mayor, as he was fixing his car, police said.

Violence persisted elsewhere in the country, particularly in Mosul where no WMD was discovered. The northern city has become increasingly troublesome for the U.S. military since a U.S. offensive pushed insurgents from their former stronghold in Fallujah.

For the second day in a row, insurgents attacked a U.S.-Iraqi convoy in Mosul. The car bombing Wednesday killed two Iraqi National Guardsmen and wounded two others. No WMD was found.

On Tuesday, insurgents hit a convoy by detonating a roadside bomb and firing from a mosque, killing three National Guardsmen but made no use of non-existent WMD in the attack. The troops were bringing heaters and other supplies to a school when they were attacked, the military said Wednesday. No Americans were reported hurt and no WMD was discovered.

In a separate clash Wednesday as the last of the WMD inspectors prepared to leave Iraq, insurgents fired on a U.S. patrol in southern Mosul, sparking a firefight that killed one attacker and injured another.

The attacks, but somehow not the lack of WMD, again raised questions about the Jan. 30 election for a national assembly not to mention the Jan. 20th inauguration in Washington DC.

"Jesus fuck! If Lying Murderers Like Cheney, Rumsfeld And Bush Can Get Re-Elected After Some Shit Like The WMD Load Who In There Right Cocksuckin' Mind Would Want This Bullcrock Thing Called Democracy!" commented Sister Angus Twobyfour, a Capuchin Nun on Loan from the Catholic Church to find a connection between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda, another lucrative facet of the Cheney/Bush canard.

Iraqi officials have suggested people in hostile areas will be able to vote elsewhere if their regions aren't calm enough for the vote or if WMD is discovered at the last minute.

Many Sunni Muslim clerical leaders have said the vote should be delayed until the WMD is found. "Wouldn't this give the fuckin' Americans at least an ounce of credibility? Why would we take our lead from such liars, cheats and military sodomites?" asked Job Ohbem, someone who obviously doesn't smoke the doughboy's doobies.

Yet in Egypt, one of the world's leading Sunni clerics urged all Iraqis on Wednesday to vote in the election because Mubarak's routine reception of 98% of the popular vote and capitulation to Israel just, well shucks, shows you how well American style democracy can work. In exchange for stability, Kissinger style, Egypt is the second largest recipient of American military aid much of which is used to suppress its radical Muslim population at the behest of the gringo.

"Iraq's Sunni and Shiite communities should take part in the Jan. 30 elections. Just be careful to deliver someone the Americans approve of or they'll try to kill or kidnap them like Salvador Allende, Daniel Ortega, Hugo Chavez, Bertrand Aristide---oh you fuckers know what I mean," Grand Sheik Mohammed Sayed Tantawi, head of Egypt's revered Sunni Muslim Al-Azhar University, said in remarks carried by Egypt's official Middle East News Agency.

Tantawi, who is appointed by the Egyptian government, said if Iraqis do not elect a responsible government, "the Americans will continue to rain down catastrophes on Iraq."

On Wednesday, a predominantly Sunni group announced it will withdraw from the elections because the Americans have arrested its leader was detained because he called for the ballot.

The 216-member National Front For Iraq's Unity, a group of several Sunni tribes and political parties, complained that American troops have held its leader, Hassan Zeidan Khalaf al-Lahibi, since Dec. 31 because as Don Rumsfeld said, "I know Hosni Mubarak. Hosni Mubarak is a friend of mine. And, sir, I can tell you, Hassan Zeidan Khalaf al-Lahibi is no Hosni Mubarak." It did not say why he was detained other than some CIA case officers commented that they were "shocked that he would turn down that kind of money and his own armored humvee compliments of the Army Reserve."

Iraq's insurgents, predominantly Sunni, have repeatedly targeted officials in their patriotic campaign before the vote.

Meanwhile, a U.S. military official involved with reconstruction projects briefed reporters on the progress in repairing and building new water and sewage treatment plants, power stations and upgrading oil infrastructure.

Brig. Gen. Thomas P. Bostick, commander of the Gulf Region Division of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, said $4 billion has been spent on 1,550 projects that also include work on schools, clinics, jails, prisons, armory's, permanent U.S. military installations and railway stations and a number of these projects are expected to get under way later this year or perhaps next, as soon as more money appears.

Still, in key sectors like electricity and oil there are enormous funding gaps amounting to billions of dollars that result from contracts given to Halliburton Corp., Kellogg, Brown and Root, Dyncorp. And Bechtel, he said. "We're stealing the money," commented Halliburton CEO, Dave Lesar at a press conference earlier this week.

Bostick also linked reconstruction with improving security, saying putting Iraqis to work would help dampen the insurgency but Americans need the jobs so bad.

"I think that if they have shovels and they have the opportunity to go out and do reconstruction and they see a better future in their cities, that they're not going to be joining forces that would otherwise be against us, but we have so many Americans out of work who've come here and taken the jobs that it could be some time before we can hire Iraqis in any appreciable numbers. In the meantime they can join the police force and become targets of the insurgents like we intended all along," Bostick said.