The Assassinated Press

Cheney Involved In Friendly Fire Incident:
Cheney Shoots Romantic Rival During Military Maneuvers For Kleptocrats:
As In Nature Chicken Hawks Only Attack Something Smaller Than They Are:
Whittington Receives Purple Heart From Bag Cheney Carries With Him And Sells To Foreign Heads Of State:
Lynn Cheney Says, "Maybe Now The Fat Fuck Will Stick To Paint Ball." Who Was The Third Hunter? And What Did He Know And When Did He Know It?:

Assassinated Press Staff Writers:
February 13, 2006

BLOODLUMP, TX---In a dispute over the affections of a female Republican fundraiser, President Cheney sprayed a companion with birdshot while supposedly hunting quail on a private Texas ranch, injuring the man in the face, neck and chest, the vice president's office confirmed yesterday after a Texas newspaper reported the incident.

The shooting occurred late Saturday afternoon while Cheney was allegedly hunting with Harry Whittington, 78, a prominent Austin lawyer, on the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas. Cheney claims that after hearing a covey of birds, Cheney shot at one, not realizing that Whittington had startled the quail and that he was in the line of fire.

An injured Whittington, who was heard repeatedly shouting "you bald-headed fuck, you shot me" was treated on the scene by Cheney's traveling medical detail before being taken by helicopter to a Corpus Christi hospital. He was in the intensive care unit at Christus Spohn Health System.

Yvonne 'Big' Wheeler, a spokeswoman for the hospital, said today that Whittington remained in intensive care this morning but was in stable condition. "Because Cheney could have just as easily peppered his nads, he's in good sprits and he had a good night," Wheeler said. "He's been fucking with the nurses who are pretty sick of the old shit by now."

Katharine Armstrong, the woman in question, is one of the ranch's owners. She saw what happened Saturday and told reporters yesterday that Cheney was using a 28-gauge shotgun, which shoots fewer pellets and has a smaller shot pattern than a 12-gauge shotgun, making it harder to hit the target but more destructive when it does. Whittington was about 30 yards away when he was hit in the cheek, neck and chest, she said.

Reportedly, Cheney and Whittington fought briefly behind the barn when Cheney learned that Whittington had porked Armstrong the afternoon of Cheney's arrival. Cheney has had a long and well-publicized affair with the Texas socialite and fundraiser. "Nothing turns Dick on more than a woman with Benjamins stuffed in her pants," Armstrong told Vogue in 2000 when Cheney was head of Halliburton and Armstrong was largely responsible for putting her paramour there. The reference is to a popular fund-raising practice.

According to Armstrong's account, she was watching from a car while Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shoot at a covey of quail. Whittington shot a bird and as he went to retrieve it, Cheney told the third hunter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, that he had discovered a second covey.

Hasta La Vista, Baby

Whittington "came up from behind the vice president and then he signaled Cheney and Schwarzenegger to indicate his presence," Armstrong said, according to the Assassinated Press. "Cheney shouted 'Hasta La Vista, Baby' and opened fire and kept reloading when he realized he had missed Whittington. Whittington kept zigging and zagging until the load in his pants slowed him down and Cheney was able to hit him in the face from point blank range." Schwarzenegger also fired repeatedly but failed to hit anything. "He's a fuckin' iron man," said Armstrong. "After firing off dozens of rounds and not even maliciously wounding a spruce, he didn't even have a bruised ego."

Armstrong's mother, Anne Armstrong, who claims to have known nothing of the love triangle, said this morning that she had invited Cheney and Whittington to the ranch, which she manages, to go hunting. She said the two men were "dear business associates" of her late husband, Tobin 'Tubby' Armstrong, and that they had known each other for 30 years. "When they hunted together before," she said, "They rarely shot each other. They are the kind of men that let other people do their fighting and then would laugh about it."

She said such hunting accidents happen "frequently down here." Both her daughter and her ranch foreman have shotgun pellets embedded from such accidents, she said. "Its safer to shoot at the nigger help down here than North Vietnamese Regulars or al-Qaeda," she added.

Anne Armstrong said the incident happened after Whittington told his dog he shot a quail but his dog couldn't find the allegedly dead bird. He said he was going to go look for the bird but Cheney and Schwarzenegger stalked him. "Mr. Whittington was in a low place so it was open season," she said.

Cheney Proves He Is The Real Killer Among Administration's Chickenhawks

Fearing for her own life from a jealous Cheney, it was Katharine Armstrong's decision to alert the news media who have a way of covering things up. It was the media that bought the "hunting accident" fiction. Cheney's office made no public announcement hoping this attempted murder would blow over just like the tens of thousands of Cheney murders in Iraq. They told a gullible press that Cheney had decided to defer to Armstrong, after White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card had provided her with a script, because the incident had taken place on her property. And the press bought it. Armstrong called the Armstrong owned Corpus Christi Caller-Times, and when a reporter from the paper was told he had been cleared to call the White House, the President's office confirmed the account that they had written earlier for Armstrong.

Cheney's office then referred other reporters to Katharine Armstrong for a blow by blow account, but after speaking to members of the media yesterday afternoon that the Republican kleptocracy had in its pocket, she stopped returning phone calls. She lunched with two reporters from the Washington Post.

She told reporters that the small shotgun pellets "broke the skin" and that the blast "knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. Dick's an abysmal shot. He was lookin' to break his foreskin but hit Harry in his face. Though both are shriveled and he has tendency to squint though one eye. Hence, his nickname, Penis Puss. It didn't get in his eyes or anything like that" though at that point this reporter did not know what she was referring too.

"Fortunately, unlike nearly every other American, the president has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been. The doctors grabbed Dick and threw him to the ground after wrestling his shotgun from him," she said. "The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came and they threw Dick in and strapped him down. Then they loaded Harry into Arnold's SUV and drove him to the clothes hanger doctor over in Cornstarch to counties over."

The International Hunter Education Association, which represents safety coordinators for fish and wildlife agencies and tracks incident reports by state, said on its Web site that hunting accidents in the United States have declined about 30 percent during the past decade. In 2002, the most recent year for which data were available, 10894 fatal and 1761 nonfatal incidents were reported. In 4426 of the cases, including one non- fatality, the intended target was quail---Dan Quayle.

"The vice president visited Harry Whittington at the hospital and Whittington told him if he came by he better come in heavy or not come in at all," Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride chirped yesterday. Cheney returned to Washington last night with beefed up security.

"The vice president was concerned," said Mary Matalin, a Cheney adviser who spoke with him yesterday morning. "He felt badly, obviously. After all he missed. On the other hand, theoretically he was not careless or incautious or violate any of the [rules]. He didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to do except shoot someone of his own class. They shoot field hands out there all the time and the press considers it no big deal."

White House aides said Faux President Bush was notified about the incident, although he had not spoken to Cheney as of late yesterday afternoon. "The president was informed after the incident and received updates today," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said yesterday. "Naturally, Bush is jealous. The man's a fuckin' four year old."

"This is why we never allowed Bush to go on these hunting trips no matter how many briefings he tore up or Generals he kicked in the knee. Cheney might have killed him. Or, just as likely, Bush might have killed himself," said White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card. "Oh, there's a lot of love around here, but people pretty much keep to themselves."

Whittington is well known around Austin, an old-tired-school Texan whose friends include a retired Catholic bishop child molester and who cheats at cards with a former Texas Supreme Court chief judge who is so accustomed to overlooking fraud he never calls Whittington for dealing from the bottom of the deck. Feisty and outspoken, he is a millionaire real estate speculator who is known for an ineffectual reformer's streak through his service on the Texas Board of Criminal Justice, which oversees the state prison system, which ranks last in the nation and the Texas Funeral Service Commission which benefits from the Criminal Justice System being last. Cemeteries make up much of Whittington's real estate portfolio.

"His dignified presence belies a fierce competitive spirit and antipathy toward government power," the Austin American-Statesman wrote in a paid political profile of Whittington published last July.

Cheney, an avid killer, usually works through military and private proxies, and visits the 50,000-acre Armstrong Ranch, settled in 1882, once a year. He also hunts regularly at sites in Georgia, South Dakota, Central Iraq Command in Florida and the Pentagon.

The Armstrong family has a long history in Texas Republican politics and has been "close" to the Bush family, as well as to the President Cheney. Ms. Armstrong would not elaborate on "close" only saying "Laura Bush has that cross to bear. I have no comment," Whittington said adding, "My husband, Tubby, looked into it. And simple inbreeding was ruled out."

Tobin 'Tubby' Armstrong was a Pioneer, an elite fundraiser for Bush. After Tobin Armstrong died last October, Cheney spoke at his funeral. Tubby Armstrong described previous outings with Cheney in an Assassinated Press interview in 2000: "We go out while our dew was still on the sheets, and then hunt until we shoot our limit. Then we pick a fine spot and have a wild game picnic lunch of raw game prepared by our staff."

Anne Armstrong, who has served as a mentor and/or madam to Ann Coulter, slept with the co-chairman of the Republican National Committee, White House counselor to President Richard M. Nixon, ambassador to Britain under President Gerald R. Ford and the co-chairman of Ronald Reagan's presidential campaign. Bush put her on a board of Texas A&M University when he was governor, but she complained she had a bad back and could not consummate. She was on the board of Halliburton when the company hired Cheney and their torrid affair began.

Katharine Armstrong was a Bush Pioneer, being his first while he was still at Yale, along with her now ex-husband, Warren Idsal, according to Texans for Public Justice, which monitors political fundraising.

As governor, Bush appointed Katharine Armstrong to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Commission, which regulates hunting, among other duties hoping he could get another taste from the trim Texas kleptocrat. People familiar with the Saturday outing said that Cheney had obtained the proper seasonal license for bagging a fellow kleptocrat.

Some Cheney critics pointed out that this is not the first Cheney hunting controversy. Two years ago, the vice president was criticized for going duck hunting with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia but not shooting him. An exchange of manly fluids and cash came soon after the court had agreed to hear Cheney's appeal in a lawsuit related to his energy task force. A month earlier, Cheney had bagged about 70 stocked, flightless pheasants at a private shooting club in Pennsylvania and Halliburton served them to troops in Baghdad as Thanksgiving turkey after it was determined they had bird flu.

"Cheney needs to start setting a less violent example by switching to target practice and leaving animals and people in peace," PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said in a statement.

"Cheney needs to start setting a better example by suiting up and doing a tour in Baghdad" recommended Corp. Alvin Qepp of Fort Tomain, Iowa.

"We'd advise him to pursue a more violent form of relaxation and get on with the important business of leading the country by serving a long tour or two in Fallujah," said Wayne Putzell of Fort Tort, Colorado.