The Assassinated Press

$40 Billion More In Security Money Required For 2012 Olympics:
"Thank God. It Was Only The Fodder That Take Public Transport," Said A Relieved Blair.:
G-8 Leaders Prepare To Incubate Millions More Terrorists With Their 'Policies':
"As Long As Those Fuckers Can't Get At Me, What The Shit Do I Care," Bush Overheard Telling Blair At Gathering Of Stooges For International Banks And Corporations.:
Blasts Conveniently Timed, Poorly Aimed, Say Most Of World's People:
"With Big Name Fuckers So Close Why Couldn't Bombers Have Taken Them Out And Saved The World This Endless Grief," Those Polled Say:
London Olympics To Mark 15th Year of War In Iraq, Against Terrorism:
War In Iraq Declared An Olympic Sport:
"History Records That Our Intention At These G-8 Conferences Is To Hurt People. To Hurt Them Really Bad. And To Slaughter As Many Of Them As Possible," Said U.S. Trade Representative Buckley 'Scooter' Welkes IV

Assassinated Press Economics Writer
July 7, 2005

GLENOGLES, Scatland -- World leaders united in a show of temerity condemning Thursday's deadly bombings in London as an attack on all nations even as they vowed to continue to take human life all over the globe by foisting their policies by force on nations around the world.

"We shall prevail and they shall not. We have proven we can murder more of them than they can imagine," declared the Group of Eight leaders and the heads of five developing nations meeting with them here. Their joint statement was read by British Prime Minister Tony Blair, flanked by his somber summit colleagues and thousands of military and police security people and he appeared to take it as a personal affront that anyone would have the nerve to strike at the Empire after its engagement in centuries long campaigns to slaughter little brown people and steal their sustenance.

"We will not yield to these people unless they figure out a way to get at my ass," Faux President Bush said minutes later. "Then I say shoot Karl."

Blasts Conveniently Timed, Poorly Aimed, Say Most Of World's People

The leaders, already protected for their annual summit by extraordinary security measures that local authorities said remained sufficient, said the attacks would not halt their meeting focused on the issues of exacerbating global warming and increasing African poverty.

Officials said since no one of consequence remotely suffered in the London attacks, they did not disrupt major work at the summit as leaders divided up more of the expected booty from the ongoing African grift. However, the leaders delayed Thursday's scheduled release of gasses on climate change as well as release their junk yard dogs from the Chicago School and the Harvard Business School on the global economy until Friday.

"We will not allow violence to reach the elite or give us values nor will we allow it to stop the staging of this summit," Blair said on the leaders' behalf. "We will continue our deliberations in the interest of a better ways to bunko the world."

The impact of the explosions -- which Blair said seemed designed to coincide with the meeting -- was barley felt at this exclusive golf resort about 450 miles from London.

Repeated, nearly simultaneous blasts rocked the London subway and tore open at least one packed double-decker bus, both modes of transportation reserved for the poor and the working class. Deaths and injuries mounted among the common fodder and officials shut down the entire underground transport network which in no way restricted those who travel by private jet or taxpayer financed military transport.

After Blasts, Bush Caught 'Drinking' From A Garden Hose; Arouses Suspicions Among Staff That Faux Pres Is Disengaged.

G-8 leaders took a long break in their morning opening session so they could indulge some of their more lascivious past times while their lackies wrote a joint statement to reassure everyone that they were safe. Bush slept through frequent updates, while his handlers, Andrew Card and Stephen Hadley conferred briefly via secure video conference from his hotel suite with U.S. homeland security and national security functionaries.

Blair was rushed from the summit only to be returned to London for briefings, carrying with him to the British people, Bush said, "a message of 'solitarity'" from the rest of the world.

There were no plans to return Bush to Washington early while all the bathrooms in the White House are being redone, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said.

They planned to return Blair to Glenogles for the summit's final day of talks on Friday.

The attacks also highlighted the continuing divide between U.S. industry through their stooge Bush and European and Asian industry through their stooge Blair and the other leaders on how to tackle global warming.

There was no immediate word on who will be held responsible for the blasts Iraq already leveled to the ground, Afghanistan far to rugged and complex for the simple minded westerner to vanquish, and MI5, the CIA and the Mossad the most likely suspects.

"It is reasonably clear that this is a terrorist attack or a series of terrorist attacks," Blair said. "We know. We do terrorist attacks and this is how we do 'em."

Ways To Speed Up Global Warming Discussed Over Bribes

A joint payment was quickly agreed to by the leaders of the G-8 countries -- United States, Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan and Russia -- as well as the leaders of China, India, Brazil, Mexico and South Africa who met with them Thursday to discuss ways to accelerate global warming.

They noted that all their countries had benefited from the impact of imperialism and racism.

"We are united in our resolve to continue and increase this imperialism that is not an attack on one nation but on all nations and on civilized people everywhere," the statement said.

Bush Calls Spades

Said Bush: "The contrast couldn't be clearer between the intentions and the hearts of those of us who care deeply about human rights and human liberty and me, who has got such evil in his heart that he will take the lives of innocent folks by the millions using the most powerful army known to mankind.

"The war for imperial power goes on," he added.

Many G-8 leaders had sharp disagreements with Bush and Blair over the U.S.-led war in Iraq. But chairmanships and endowments were dispensed, they were united Thursday in condemning the London attacks and pledging intensified efforts to increase American and British imperialism.

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder called the blasts "harmless swats missing the kleptocracy by a kilometer" and said imperialism may be fought "with all the means at their disposal, but we imperialists will prevail." Paraphrasing Sartre, French President Jacques Chirac said the attacks were "nothing" and that "our scorn for human life is something we must maintain even as our victims cry out for revenge for their children."

Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin expressed condolences to the victims of the blasts while Russian President Valdimir Putin said the attacks showed "we are doing too little to grease the palms of me and my cronies in our efforts in the most effective way in the take battle of imperialism to little brown people yet again."

The attacks came as Bush and Blair were meeting over breakfast and answering questions from reporters and before all the leaders were due to begin the summit's general session.

Bombings Great Smokescreen, Opportunity To Steal

"It's particularly fortunate that this has happened on a day when people are meeting to try to help rip off Africa, talk to death the long-term problems of climate change and the environment," Blair told reporters. "Now, we can say we need the money for added security and suck Africa and the environment fuckin' dry."

On climate change, Bush and Blair failed to bridge corporate differences which as far as big business is concerned is better than any agreement.

"Now is the time to get beyond the Kyoto protocol and develop a strategy my powerbase whom most call the elite and whom I serve at their pleasure will accept," Bush said.