"Damn Rachel! What now?! The wind turbines have pureed the bats!"
The Assassinated Press

North American Gluttons Murder 200,000 More Little Brown People With New Tsunami Weapon. Weapon Works On Any Octane:
Like Hiroshima, America's Vast Weapons Superiority Again On Display:
Killer Tsunami's 'Global Warming' Link Branded 'Rubbish' By Comfort Boys For Petrol, Coal Burning Industries:
Senator Inhofe Again Blasts "Environmental Fearmongers" For Linking Tsunami To Global Warming, Blames Gays:
Two Step Connection Between Tsunami And Water Volume Stumps World's Scientists, Media:
Bubble Of Super-Heated Air From Capital's Flunkies, Liars And Stooges Melting The Polar Ice Cap:

Assassinated Press Senior Staff Writer
January 06, 2005

TRUE CROSS, NM-- Attempts by a wide array of environmentalists and scientists to link the recent Asian earthquake and tsunami to human-caused "global warming" are "abject rubbish," according to an industry flunky not in the field from the University of Virginia at Rebel Yell.

"If one wants to make the argument that alterations in weather patterns have an effect on the stresses of the earth's tectonic plates, which are far beneath the ocean, one is ignoring virtually every physical aspect of the ocean," said Patrick J. Michaels, an anti-environmental sciences professor at the University of Virginia. He spoke with the Cybercast News Service Wednesday.

Of course, no one has made such claims, insisting instead that the volume of liquid water available on the earth's surface has increased dramatically because of Global Warming. No one at Cybercast had either the intelligence or the integrity to tell the Professor Michaels to put his glasses on straight and listen to what had actually been said.

"That's not my thing," Michael's told the Assassinated Press. "I'm simply a racketeer for capitalism. I'm well paid for taking industry's side no matter how brutal. I would assume you are too. After all, Lee Raymond and David Lesar are too busy fucking things up."

"It's 'collegiality', not knowledge, that keeps one on the payroll at think tanks like Cato."

Michaels, a senior fellow at the 'These Bootstraps Are Made For Hanging' Cato Institute and author of a new book "Meltdown: The Alchemy Of Denying Global Warming by Scientists, Politicians, and the Media For Fun But Mostly Profit " believes "like any good creationist Christian" that claims of human-caused catastrophic "global warming" are scientifically unfounded. "Fuck. That would implicate me. I'd have to give up shit just when I found an angle to get it."

Jackpots For Crackpots. Think Tanks Hotbeds Of Glossomorphism.

Once again bewildered by the subtle leap from earthquake to sea volume excluding water suspended in the form of ice, Michaels said he was especially bothered by a report from the Russian News and Information Agency Novosti, which last week quoted Russian scientist Arthur Chilingarov as saying that the cause of the earthquake and tsunami were "probably global climate change." Chilingarov is the vice speaker of the State Duma and co-chairman of the organizational committee that is planning the International Polar Year in 2007. He also began a sheep herding enterprise on the new grasslands forming in Antarctica. "We're all going to shit, but maybe I can earn a little coin before the end. Maybe get fucked by expensive Euro-hookers," Chilingarov offered.

According to Novosti, Chilingarov also believes that "scientists have registered lately a change of the average temperature, which is now growing at fantastic rates." These changing temperatures, he added, are allowing "the atmosphere and oceans to accumulate additional energy,"--- then we add outside the quotes like the hustling corporate shits we are---which can cause natural disasters like the recent underwater earthquake and tsunami, which Chilingarov never said.

Michaels rejected the Russian news report, collected envelope from Lee Raymond.

Drawing on his analytical data, a stack of crisp hundreds stacked before him on the desk, Michaels, his jugular looking like the vein on a donkey's penis commented, "This is just abject rubbish. That is all I can say cause well I don't really do any real research. I just blow it out my flanks for the folks that pay me. That is the most charitable thing I can say," Michaels said. Still confused he added, "What happens at the surface of the ocean is not reflected at all in any measurable fashion at the depth of which the earthquake took place. That's my guess."

Tribune Might Cop To Manslaughter

The Chicago Tribune became so upset by the possible link that they issued a series of hysterical, quite school girlish actually, non-sequitors to convince their readers that they were in no way responsible for murdering over 150,000 people though in recent memory this same population was content to kill 3 million in Southeast Asia in the '60s and '70s, 250,000 in Central America in the '80s and 250,000 in the Middle East in the last 16 years alone.

But, at least, unlike the industry coveted Dr. Michaels, the Chicago Tribune understood the connection in the rise of the seas' volume. But once again it can't be them, not even second degree manslaughter. That might imply they have to do something about it. No, its the all powerful environmental movement that wields its lo billions of dollars that seems hell bent on using this power to attempt to lead us to a Pol Pot Taoist Paradise.

The vision is one of a Times editor, gartered socks, pants around his ankles springing outraged from an executive washroom stall, beshat toilet paper hanging from his ass, waving a press release from Greenpeace of all places, shouting, "this global warming bullshit is a hoax. I'd never hurt a flea so I could keep my cheap oil. The fucking environmentalists are insulting the dead. But since their is no greater insult than to claim I killed them, they are insulting me, sanctimonious airbag that I am."

Then comes a reprise of natural disasters shoe-horned into 2004. "Nature wasn't kind to mortals in 2004" as opposed to the Cheney/Rumsfeld cabal or the editorial board at the Chicago Tribune. Then they wax scientific still unable to make the simple connection between a volume of water and available energy. Yikes!!

They close by comparing groups concerned with Global Climate change to a Hollywood film, an industry that itself pollutes on so many levels. With the enormous electrical demand of Los Angeles what on this fuckin' planet would constitute an 'environmentally friendly' Hollywood film. Even a parody would simultaneously be hypocrisy.

And the Tribune editorial closes in true paternalistic fashion with "they's (tsunami victims) are little babies and we must save them God willing. The PR opportunity is enormous. America hasn't wept so much since the sight of all them one legged Vietnamese orphans."

Sir David King, the chief scientific adviser for the government of the United Kingdom, said he believes that the recent tsunami served as a warming of what was yet to come through human-caused climate change.

"What is happening in the Indian Ocean underlines the importance of the earth's system to our ability to live safely," King told BBC radio last week. "And what we are talking about in terms of climate change is something that is really driven by our own use of fossil fuels, so this is something we can manage."

King, who in 2004, said the threat of "global warming" was greater than any threat from terrorism, believes the only solution to catastrophic climate change is to change the world's "energy industry - in other words, to move away from fossil fuels."

University of California professor Naomi Oreskes, a member of the university's Department of History and Science Studies Program, also linked climate change to tsunamis this week.

"I wouldn't want to exaggerate the interrelationship to the tsunami. It doesn't have anything to do with global warming, it has to do with earthquakes," Oreskes told CIA operated Voice of America on Monday.

But Oreskes said global climate changes, which she believes are impending, will have tsunami-like effects.

"As sea levels begin to rise, things like coastal flooding will become more and more common and it will be some of the poorest and most vulnerable people of the world that will be most severely effected by that," Oreskes said, predicting future greenhouse gas caused climate changes.

If your gonna replace 'altruism' with self-interest from the Chicago School to China what the living fuck do you expect.

Oreskes wrote an essay in Science Magazine last December, entitled "The Scientific Consensus on Climate Change," which was ridiculed by amateur skeptics of "global warming as well as oil industry executives and Karl 'The Fat Man' Beaujump who owns the Ford SUV dealership on roue 9."

Farah Sofa a spokesman for the environmental group Friends of the Earth in Indonesia told Agence France Presse last week, "We can expect in the coming years similar events happening as a result of global warming and therefore help and prevention are the responsibility of the Northern countries as well."

Reuters news service environmental correspondent Alister Doyle, wrote a Dec. 27 article, explaining that "a creeping rise in sea levels tied to global warming, pollution and damage to coral reefs may make coastlines even more vulnerable to disasters like tsunamis or storms in [the] future." Doyle attributed the information in his story to "experts," but did not include any quotes directly referring to the theory of global warming.

'Four inches means nothing. I take more than that with a smile all the time in the sauna here at Cato.'

Michaels, bereft of the scientific notion of volume, dismissed the idea that "global warming" induced rising sea levels will produce a catastrophe.

"The best estimate for sea level rise for the next half century is about four inches ...The recent tsunami was 40 feet. Four inches means nothing to 40 feet," Michaels said, a satisfied twinkle in the stream of drool making its way down his collar.

Noting that past tsunamis have been as high as 120 feet, Michaels said any comparison between a potential four-inch rise of sea level and a tsunami is misguided.

"It is the difference between your index finger and a ten-story building," he said. "The difference between a proctology exam and a $50,000 check from the Halliburton for saying exactly what Tod Kripple wants his viewers to hear on Nitline."

Michaels also made up that sea levels in Asia, where the tsunami struck, have actually been declining.

"Satellite data published in 2001 in Science magazine ... show that the region where the tsunamis were most devastating has, in general, experienced a recent decline in sea level." Then he blurted, "Oh, no. Maybe that water was sucked between the tectonic plates, boiled, expanded." But he calmed down when we reminded him that he'd made the whole thing up.

"Additionally, the long-term record of sea level changes for Bombay (India) was published by the United Nations' Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change in 1995. It shows a net decline in sea level in the last 50 years," he added. "Now, that anecdote should settle things. That's real science, fucker."