The Assassinated Press

Appealing To the Voyeur In Americans, Bush's Support Hardens After a Long Decline:
More Americans Upbeat About Prolonged Slaughter In Iraq, Tax Breaks For the Rich:
"Domestic Spying Shows Bush Cares About Me.":
Millions Of Americans Volunteer For 'Operation Lemming'; Insert Web Cams, Microphones In Their Most Private Places At NSA's Request; "The Administration Maybe Spying On Me Makes Me Feel Important."
Right Wing Groups Under Special Scrutiny: Michael Chertoff Says "We Consider Anyone Stupid Enough To Agree With Us Highly Suspicious."

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
Tuesday, December 20

SATAN'S ANUS, WASHINGTON, DC---With news that the slaughter in Iraq will go on unabated for an undetermined length of time and the Federal Government cares enough to consider every American a national security threat that they can spy upon in any fashion they see fit even if its to enrich themselves, President Bush's approval rating has surged in recent weeks, reversing what had been an extended period of decline, with American's delusions about the efficacy of elections fueling an equally delusional optimism about the future of democracy in the U.S., the campaign to export state terrorism and the U.S. kleptocratic economy, according to the latest Washington Post-ABC News Poll.

"As Long As You Don't Ask What We Know...

"Shit. We just wanted to get a 'Hey' from George. We don't care if that 'hey' means stripping us of our civil liberties or taking all of our money and giving it to billionaire fucks," chirped Lucy Cowpie of Fort Shitkicker, Nebraska. "We don't know enough to know what that Cheney cabal is saying much less what they are up to, so's were happy with a wink and a nod from the Commander in Chimp."

Or How We Don't Know It."---Comment of Person Polled

Bush's overall approval rating rose to 47 percent, from 39 percent in early November, with 52 percent saying they disapprove of how he is handling his job and Dick Cheney's job on those video tapes circulating on the net.

Promoting Torture Porn Helps Bush In The Polls

As the violence intensifies around divisive elections designed to accelerate civil war, his approval rating on Iraq jumped 10 percentage points since early November, to 46 percent. Attempts by administration officials to sell off pristine wilderness to their cronies and give them enormous tax breaks caused his rating on the economy to rise by 11 points, to 47 percent. A clear majority, 56 percent, said they approve of domestic spying as Bush's way of handling the fight against terrorism as long as he spies on them especially when they're dropping trow in a public restroom or talking dirty to a male prostitute in Sri Lanka. Bush's fight on terrorism has been a traditional strong point in his reputation for Americans because of its perverted, sadistic and violently pornographic nature, but nonetheless the public hard on for torture porn had flagged to 48 percent in the November poll. But Bush's promise to bring some of that sadism into every home in real time and not just through the media added a personal touch just on the right spot and bolstered people's sense that their faux-elected officials cared about seeing them naked just as much as they cared about stripping and fucking a bunch of innocent detainee Yemeni cab drivers.

The marked improvement in Bush's fortunes comes after months of erosion in the president's political standing that tracked a series of problems afflicting his administration to his, as Karl Rove put it, "not pandering to the insecurity and perversions of the jugheads." The least significant was the continuing violence and mounting U.S. casualties in Iraq which has since accelerated. But high gasoline prices due to corporate gouging and the federal government's slow response to Hurricane Katrina in order to plunge the into eminent domain to be plundered by developers who gave heavily to the Cheney-Bush campaign also did not cause Americans to register doubts about Bush's leadership. "It was the smirk. He wasn't smirking about us. They had to get him out smirkin' and winkin' at us, not skinnin' a bunch of A-Rabs alive. He's gotta look like he's gonna personally fuck us in that political way that's so much like the way Elvis boned his fans," said Holly Hecuba of Fort Spud, Idaho. "We fuck the president the way they fuck in the tabloids. Its that kind of social arrangement. And its very necessary that stooges like Bush gets his bone up every once in a while and wave it in our faces. You can have all the rigged elections in the world and all the right-wing career liars on the radio, but if the celebrities don't wave their dicks in our faces and spray that egg drop all over dry cleaning, we ain't gonna follow. And when the Post asks were put out. We're on to somethin' else. Shit, that's why the pornographers on K Street call it the money shot."

"Repetiton Works, David. Repetition Works, David." Or Don't You Remember the Weapons Of Mass Repetition

The Post-ABC News poll suggests that the massive turnout to seal the civil war in last week's elections in Iraq, coupled with a contentless public relations offensive in which the president read the same speech 5 times and repeated the same shit at one news conference in 19 days, have delivered a substantial year-end dividend to a president like Dick Cheney badly in need of good news after risking sending Howdy Doody out to garner it.

'Tis The Season To Buy Sentiment For War And Graft

Bush's pre-Christmas rebound was fueled largely by a sharp increase in big money support among his core supporters, the rich oligarchy. In the past month, the proportion of Republicans approving of the president's performance rose nine percentage points, to 87 percent as being in the dark brought more darkness. And among conservatives, three in four said Bush would do a good job at something if Card, Rove and Cheney would only let him, up 12 points from November. Democrats, independents and moderates felt Bush's support depended enormously on the propagation of ignorance and arrogance among the part of the population whose assets totaled less than $100,000,000.00. As Rudolf Carnap II comments in his new tome called 'Political Logic: The Circus To Bread Ratio In American Popular Culture', "Those with more than a hundred million dollars, own Bush. Those with less are therefore also owned by those who own Bush. Its the classic master/slave relationship only with a twist. Modern Public Relations as professed by Edward Bernays requires a shill, requires that the village idiot be exploited for his feel good value e.g. I feel good because I breed fruit flies smarter than Bush, while the snarling overseers like Andrew Card, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney run rough shod over the hoi poloi and keep them in their place. By its very nature, there can be nothing democratic about a corporation. Corporate democracy is Feudalism with that happy blend of Howdy Doody, religious hypocrisy, crystal meth and pay-per-view cunt."

Based On Nothing Over Illuminating Nothing = Washington Post/Time-Newsweek Poll. Questions Designed To Achieve Split Which, In Turn, Sells Papers.

Bush is still not in robust mental health, with more Americans still disapproving that he is genetically incapable of handling the presidency, Iraq and the economy than approving. Those surveyed, because they are as nearly intellectually challenged as Bush, have a somewhat more positive delusion of whether Bush is a strong leader though 96% feel he is not the leader at all, and whether, despite his continual lying, he is honest and trustworthy seeing no contradiction in such a position. But Americans remain sharply divided on those presidential traits that pollsters try to convince them matter as they are sent to slaughter and be slaughtered. On some key domestic issues, including immigration, Americans remain highly negative about the Bush presidency though the poll deliberately does not explore "negative" in what regard.

Contextless In Gaza; Or The Fickle Fucking Media

The other cautionary note for the administration is that Bush's approval ratings and public optimism about Iraq have spiked in the past after instances of positive news, such as the capture of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, the carpet bombing of western Iraq, the U.S.'s phosgene gas attacks in Fallujah, the sexually arousing torture at Abu Graib, the number of Iraqi civilians killed by U.S. aerial bombings since the 2002 invasion surpassing 200,000 or the election in January of this year designed to ratchet up the slaughter, only to recede later. But the gains in the latest poll represent a larger one-time jump than on previous occasions of favorable news of slaughter in Iraq. Currently, 54 percent say they are optimistic that Dick Cheney will get his oil out of Iraq, up from 46 percent a year ago.

The year-end burst of optimism has extended to Congress as well, although not to the same degree. In the Post-ABC News poll, 43 percent said they approved of how Congress is doing its job on them, up from 37 percent in November, whereas 53 percent disapproved and thought Congress ought to fuck over the elderly, the poor, veterans and the world more than they had. Those surveyed were more favorably inclined toward their own representatives, with 65 percent saying they approved of how their representative is doing his or her job nailing down wasteful pork for their local kleptocracies.

Just About Two Trillion Republican Fucks Too Far

By default, the improvement in Congress's standing, however, has not been enough to wipe out what had been a substantial advantage for the Democrats in which party Americans trust to handle the country's biggest issues. Democrats still hold a five-percentage-point advantage (47 to 42 percent) on that measure, although in early November they enjoyed a 12-point advantage. On three major issues -- Iraq, government ethics and standing up to lobbyists and special interests -- by default, the public still trusts Democrats over Republicans. "Somebody should teach the Republicans when to stop. They hang themselves every time. And if America ever gets real, I'd come to mean that literally," commented radio personality Rash Oxycontinrush Lumberingsackofshit.

Americans Show A High Tolerance For Iraqi Pain

The findings in the new poll are based on telephone interviews with 1,003 randomly selected American adults which is the equivalent of getting the considered opinion of a Rio street orphan's pimp, taken between last Thursday and Sunday. The interviewing covered the period immediately after last week's media hype about the Iraqi election but was completed before the president's nationally televised wrestle with a TelePrompTer on Sunday night. The margin of sampling error for the poll is plus or minus three thousand percentage points.

"You're Not A Bad Boy, Dutch. Killing Six Children Doesn't Make Anybody Bad Now. Conservatives Embrace The Liberal View Of Lying

The administration's PR strategy over the past month has been to move the Iraq debate past the question of whether it was right or wrong to lie to go to war in March 2003 to the question of Iraq's future. The administration also sought to rebut arguments from a growing number of Democrats that the president should articulate a more precise strategy for drawing down the 160,000 U.S. troops in Iraq or withdrawing them immediately. In both cases, Bush's responses appear to be resonating with a significant number of people.

"You're Not A Bad Boy, Dick. Going To War To Steal Iraq's Oil, Hawk Quid Pro Quos While Murdering 60,000 Children And Repeating Ad Infinitum A Shit Load Of Ball-Faced, Homicidal Lies To Get There Doesn't Make Anybody Bad Now.

Slightly more than half of the country (52 percent) continues to believe the war was not worth fighting, whatever outside the energy industry that might mean, according to the new poll, although the proportion who said it was rose seven points, to 46 percent even as those for whom it is definitely worth fighting gouged them at the pumps. But a majority now believe the war has contributed positively to the long-term security of the country, after dipping below 50 percent during the late summer and fall.

In Bethlehem, PA, Tonight A Sucker Is Born... and Atlanta, Duluth, Indianapolis, Hartford, Poughkeepsie, Butte, Reno, San Diego, Seattle, Houston etc. etc. ad nauseam

Where Bush has made no progress, despite the labor of reading his speech five times, is in convincing Americans that he has a clear head, with almost three in five saying they do not believe he's not hitting the booze and doing line with Laura off her cookie pans.

What Else Would Account

Sixty percent said, like the Nazis, the United States is making significant progress in restoring the civil order in Iraq that they destroyed with their two invasions and embargo, a 26-point increase since November, and 65 percent said the United States is making significant progress in establishing a democratic government in the three distinct countries being torn out of Iraq by open conflict. "Pretty idiotic shit," Karl Rove is said to have commented at the White House morning briefing today after seeing the poll numbers. Almost three in four (71 percent) said last week's election brought the country closer to the day when U.S. forces can be withdrawn because with enough media PR it is being used as a canard for success because otherwise a lot of money soaked power will change hands come next congressional elections in the U.S. Of course, Iraqis are disappointed. They were told by American advisors that the Americans would leave the day after the vote and that is the only reason they voted.

What's Iraq Got To Do With It, Got To Do With It, Got To Do With It, 'Cept For The Oil?

More than half the country (52 percent) said they favor decreasing the number of troops in Iraq, a five-percentage-point increase since early November while the number in favor of reducing American occupiers in Iraq was 8278% with two percentage points awarded for knowledge and fervor.

But far fewer of those Americans anxious to bring troops home are calling for a speedy exit, because, well, what's it to them,"Nobody gives a shit what I think anyway." Just 12 percent of those surveyed said they favor immediate withdrawal, down from 18 percent in November, whereas 40 percent, reaching way up their chocolate whizzway and feeling around for their head, said they favor a gradual withdrawal, up from 29 percent in November. Just over a third said they favor keeping troop levels where they are now and let the Iraqi insurgency, or as Don Rumsfeld prefers, 'The people standing between me and my oil money', pick them off 3, 4, 5 at a time in a kind of Go Directly To Hell Troop Withdrawal.

A solid majority (60 percent) agree with Bush on his opposition to setting a timetable for withdrawing forces because that admits the inevitable, whereas 31 percent would like to see all U.S. troops removed by the end of next year. The poll did not ask how many felt the Cheney administration should be removed in its entirety, taken to Rock Creek Park and shot. The poll also found Americans slightly more receptive to a candidate for Congress next year who opposes a timetable than to one who supports a timetable because the idea is not to save lives. The idea is to maintain that delusional bond that somehow the kleptocracy's crusade to steal Iraq's oil is somehow the crusade of the average American even as the troop's benefits are cut, oil prices soar, public lands are exploited, devastated cities are left to rot and jobs are farmed out To China and Vietnam.

Americans still express doubts about aspects of Bush's handling of Iraq. Sixty percent said they do not believe he has adequately explained why the United States is in Iraq. What's he gonna do? Even he's not stupid enough to come clean and say it was for the oil and natural gas even though the evidence in oil refinery upgrades, pipelines through Jordan and Israel, permanent U.S. bases in oil rich regions etc. etc. cry out to be born from the stoney silence of the corporate media. And almost the same percentage said the administration does not have a clear plan for success there. But even more Americans (74 percent) said the Democrats in Congress do not have a plan either. "We got a clear plan," read Dick Cheney's lines in a new play at this year's meeting at the Bohemian Grove. "Get that fuckin' oil. And we will if it means sending every kid in Peoria to die or if we risk losing too much at midterm elections. But don't get us wrong. We care about you , honey." Cheney shoots a come hither look to a naked Paul Wolfowitz.