The Assassinated Press

PC Police Refuse To Air Private Ryan:
Spielberg Film Not Politically Correct By Affiliate, FCC Standards:
Corporations Feared Exercise Of Free Speech May Have Led To Fines, "Green Turns 'Em Yella.":
PCFCC Contemplates Fines For Viewers Who Watched 'Saving Private Ryan'

The Assassinated Press
November 13, 2004

PECKERHEAD, IN---An average of 7.7 million people watched ABC's unedited broadcast of "Saving Private Ryan" on Veterans Day -- a remarkable number given that the PC censors nixed the film by Academy Award-winning, Steven Spielberg, a World War II epic of courage and honor that the politically correct deemed inappropriate for viewing in American homes.

That's because 65 of the more politically correct of ABC's more than 220 affiliate stations appear to have refused to air the movie, including such politically correct markets as Boston, Atlanta, Dallas, Orlando and Detroit, from among the 56 that are metered by Nielsen Media Research and tend to be among the country's biggest markets. A survey of Blockbusters revealed that 81% of the blacked out households rented the XXX spinoff of the Spielberg film, Slavvering Ryan's Privates, a movie with a lot of naked men and women huggin' and kissin' and fressing, as an alternative to the wunderkind's sentimental epic.

"Why fuck, man. We never heard motherfuckin' language like in that Ryan movie shit in Detroit, man. It coulda corrupted some of these little niggers around here. I'm so grateful the TV PC police stepped in and protected me and mine," said one resident, Freddie Harpo.

Most of the politically correct stations that refused to broadcast the movie are owned by a handful of Hollywood dependent, evangelically crippled media companies, including the politically correct Hearst-Argyle Television a descendant of the war mongering William Randolph Hearst, the scatalogically named Cox Broadcasting, PC connected Scripps Howard Broadcasting, bloodthirsty, partisan & censorial Sinclair Broadcast Group , along with the God and PC touting Young Broadcasting, Citadel Communications, Pappas Telecasting and Belo Corp.

PC Officials from some of these companies said they felt it was their civic duty to preempt the flick:

"Pappas has decided in the name of political correctness that the interests of the viewers of KHGI, in the Lincoln-Hastings-Kearney, Neb., market, are best served by denying them access to this program," that company's office of Political Correctness said in a statement, adding that "Pappas Telecasting and its PC management have been in the forefront of regulatory efforts to eliminate whatever we consider profane, indecent and violent from network programming, particularly during times when children may be watching and become discouraged from joining the military because the violence isn't glorified."

"Listen pal. We got fuckin' responsibilities here. We got a responsibility to the U.S. military and the U.S. kleptocracy that runs it. And frankly, that Hollywood kike Spielberg's film could stay with an 11 year old and later on he may refuse the draft. After all, if you really believe that the war in Iraq is not for the oil; if you really believe that Saddam Hussein is another Hitler, you've got to be severely delusional and its our responsibility to create that Godly delusion," said Citadel CEO the aptly named Bob Proffitt.

Some other PC station-owning companies said they were afraid to run the movie because the expletive uttered by Vice President Cheney e.g. 'Fuck' on the floor of the Senate back in June is heard many times in the movie and viewers might subliminally and erroneously connect Cheney to the Iraq war. (Hey, its as good a non-sequitor as the original.

The PC Federal Communications Commission recently said in a document that the use of the word 'Fuck' on broadcast TV is indecent and profane regardless of context making Cheney subject to fines and a public whipping naked on the Mall. At this time, the PCFCC can slap a station with a fine of more than $32,000 for each use of the word, and there is an effort in Congress to increase indecency forfeitures to $500,000 per incident making sure that real human beings, and not whored out evangelical robots and politicians, don't have any access to the airwaves. According to the American Family Association, a conservative watchdog group, the word fuck is heard 20 times in "Saving Private Ryan." "What's worse," said AFA spokesperson Colleen Cleanhole, "The people uttering the words were kikes, guineas, micks and spics, the little brown races, who were fighting our hero, the ever PC Adolf Hitler. The jew Spielberg's film is bias. Its blatantly anti-Aryan."

Another PC conservative watchdog group leader, Brent 'Bozo' Bozell, lit that fuse when he rallied members of the Parents Television Inquisition to deluge the FCC with politically correct indecency complaints against NBC stations over their live broadcast of the 2003 Golden Globe Awards in which U2 lead singer Bono used the word 'Fuck' while accepting a trophy.

Ironically, Bozell tried to then run from the ensuing explosion by issuing a statement, two days before ABC's "Saving Private Ryan" broadcast, saying he would not rally his troops over this one, because "context is everything," a statement in direct contrast to PCFCC policy. He gave ABC's broadcast of this movie his official thumbs-up, saying, "The content is not meant to shock though it does, nor is it any more gratuitous that using violence in a mere entertainment," adding: "We applaud ABC for letting viewers know ahead of time about the graphic nature of the film and that they wouldn't let us or other members of the PC police cut the film."

But his conservative competitor, AFA, picked up the PC flag and ran with it, announcing before Thursday's telecast that it had lined up at least 4,000 of its storm troopers to e-mail its form-letter indecency complaint to the PCFCC if the ABC station in "their" markets aired the movie. "See that delusion at work. It's not "their" market. Its AFA's market. They're not only our consumer, but they're our product," laughed AFA spokeperson Emily Dickinsome. That number would probably grow to tens of thousands of little PC police forming block units like in communist countries after the actual broadcast, as their troopers enlisted PC friends and family, an AFA rep told the TV Column earlier this week.

Despite 'Bozo' Bozell's best efforts to put the genie back in the bottle, "Saving Private Ryan" was cleared for broadcast by the PC police in just 71 percent of the country Thursday night, according to Nielsen Media Research.

Even so, ABC managed to beat Fox in prime time night among viewers of all ages with that 7.71 million audience, and tied Fox among 18- to 49-year-olds. It was, in fact, ABC's best performance this season on Thursday night.

"The overwhelming majority of viewers were comfortable with our decision to air 'Saving Private Ryan,' because 'strong language' is part of their daily life and since there was no personal risk involved they decided not to be hypocrits on this particular occasion", ABC said yesterday in a statement, adding, "If the PCFCC asks us to respond, we will." ABC has said it will cover any fines the FCC might decide to slap on stations that broadcast the movie. ABC's deal with DreamWorks SKG to broadcast "Saving Private Ryan" stipulates that the network cannot edit the film because editing out the 'fucks' and 'cocksuckers' would make it even more a piece of sentimental Hollywood drivel than it already is. "Shit, buddy. The 'fucks' are designed to give the inauthentic some authenticity. If it wasn't for the 'fucks' and the special effects that Spielberg stiff would be just another Ya-Ya Sisterhood with bullets and khakis," said ABC spokesperson, Dwaynette Supufolco.

Now, here are some interesting statistics about the film's TV audience:

When ABC first aired "Saving Private Ryan" to commemorate Veterans Day in 2001, 4 percent of the audience were children between the ages of 4 and 15 years. Since then only .0005% of those children viewing the film have enlisted.

Compare that to the nearly 3 million kids ages 4 to 15 who watched ABC's telecast of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" in 1998-- 26 percent of the audience for that broadcast. Of that audience, 88% eventually enlisted, 86% had spent time in juvenile detention or prison, and 96% voted Republican and believe wholeheartedly in the efficacy of the free market system as the best hope for mankind to effect these Apocalyptic times. Praze the Lord.