The Assassinated Press

Three Jeers for CW’s Teen Pussy Programming-- 'Hellcats'?
'Show Voted Most Likely to Masturbate Too,' Wins Nielsen Ratings.

The Assassinated Press
September 10, 2010

Lisa de Moraes writes in the stool section of the Wshington Post for Sptember 10:

“OMG! Three million people watched the debut of CW's "Hellcats" -- the first new-series premiere of the broadcast network's 2010-11 TV season… That's nearly twice as many people as watched the premiere of FX's new guydrama "Terriers" the same night. We thought "Terriers" would be about cute dogs -- we totes love cute dogs -- but it turned out to be just some show about a couple of skeevy San Diego private eyes and does not even star anyone from Disney Channel, but TV critics loved it anyway. What's up with that? "

What’s up with that? I got one word for you, Lisa. PUSSY. P-U-S-S-Y.

And if you will, preferably young underage pussy. Enter “Hellcats”!!

Dumb Is the New Smart

Hate to break it to ya, but it’s not because "of the power of Disney Channel princesses Ashley Tisdale and Aly Michalka, and the whole cheerleader thing, is totally stronger than TV critics who hate the show!" It’s because even the creators of Dumbo know that sex sells and in America the more repressed and perverse the better.

Hellcats offers young pussy in or4der to capture two key demographics. The first demographic is narcissistic young female children with the values of insecure, anxiety ridden substance abusers. T he second is horny men and when you’re talking about teen age girls that means any swinging dick above the age of consent . Bill Hicks created an alter ego he called Goat Boy. Please reference.

There used to be a guy in my building who said his marriage split up because of his obsession with Valerie Bertinelli when she played an underage ingénue on some old sitcom with that poor misbegotten daughter of that poor misbegotten Phillips guy from that poor misbegotten folk group the Mamas and Papas. Male horniness knows no bounds. Rand Paul knows this better than the next freak but he’s in denial and dangerous.

"Hellcats" scored hotter ratings at 9 than CW's "America's Next Top Model" at 8, which, like, so never happens! So much for anorexia and the My Fair Lady syndrome. The girls on “Hellcats” may look like they’re in their late thirties but that’s no excuse. The shows a sex fantasy.

And Aly Knows Sex Sells.

Aly said they "had a killer time shooting the show," and she made good on her promise to advertisers that "we will not let you down -- we love you!"

"Hellcats" attracted 329 percent more teen chicks than the premiere of ooh-it's-Ashton-Kutcher's "The Beautiful Life" in the exact same time slot last year! Young middle class women are so into themselves. So what’s knew. Any creep will tell you this is child predation 101. And Disney aims to please child predators by making the concerns of our little princesses as shallow and commodified and easily manipulated as possible.

Why else call the fucking show “Hellcats” a name not innocently or often associated with young girls except by the porn industry.