The Assassinated Press

Mikey Hayden And His Panty Sniffers At NSA Collect Phone Records To Blackmail Citizens And Hush-up Opponents:
"Ivy League Skidmark Aficionados Must Continue To Dominate U.S. Intelligence," Negroponte Insists:
"Goss Wasn't Fired Because He Fucked Trannies. He Was Fired Because I Wanted My Guy In There Fuckin' Trannies," Adds Negroponte. "That's Why 4 Of The 5 Candidates To Head The CIA Were From My Office And Two Are Trannies. Guess Which Two."
"Ya See Here At The Karl Rove White House We Go On The Premise That Everybody's Got Something To Hide," Says Rove.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
May 11, 2006

Donkey in Chief George Bush today defended his administration's efforts to gather domestic intelligence on American citizens amid a frantic rush to re-negotiate political quid pro quos created by reports that the National Security Agency has broken into thousands of American homes gone through Americans scrapbooks, eaten their pork rinds, snorted their coke and sniffed their underwear drawers as a well as gathered the telephone records of millions of Americans. "We've been having a high old time in America's kitchens and bedrooms," says former NSA Chief Michael "V-String" Hayden. "America. I know we could have snuck in and raped your daughters with impunity. I mean. Look at the makeup of the fuckin Supreme Court. But we're not like that at the NSA. However, that bleeding from your dog's rectum. Get that checked out by a vet, pronto."

In a prepared statement fed through an earpiece surgically implanted into his smirk, Bush hoped that the administration's actions were legal and were solely directed at enemies of the administration because "Jesus Fuck! This is the fuckin' first I heard of it." The faux-president did not directly address a published report that the NSA had collected millions of phone records because he hadn't been told about that either.

The American Bald Lemming Need Not Fear

"The privacy of ordinary Americans is fiercely under attack in all our activities," Bush insisted. "After fuckin' all we send you're kids off to die to enrich ourselves. There's nothing we wouldn't stoop to. And I emphasize the word 'stoop.' We're not mining and trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans meaning those that act like lemmings, but only those who give us trouble. Our efforts are focused on links to people we need to extort and shut up. And to make every American aware that if they get in our fuckin' way we got the record of their 976 phone calls to Tranny Town ready for public scrutiny."

Bush took no questions from reporters because he's too much of an idiot to answer them unless Karl Rove tells him what to say.

Porter Goss?! What The Fuck Kinda Name Is Porter Goss!?

"Sure Porter Goss was fuckin' seven foot trannies with 'Dusty' Foggo and 'Duke' Cunningham at the Watergate. So was half my agency," John Negroponte told this reporter. "Fuck. Homeland Security had two contracts with this mobbed up guy who owned Shirlington Limo, Chris Baker. As for the CIA, when has the CIA ever fuckin' shied away from doing business with the mob."

"As for Hayden. Just look at the freak. He's got a head like a burnished donkey's testicle just like me," added Negroponte who first caught the eye of the neo-cons after organizing death squads in Honduras in the 1980's. "Social cripples like me and Hayden, we gotta hide out with the other social cripples---in law enforcement."

"I Knew Lucky Luciano. And Chris Baker Is No Lucky Luciano."

"Alls I know," John "The Hit Man" Negroponte continued, "Is that Shirlington Limo supplies escorts, all shapes, all sizes, all ages, all sexes and all species. All us boys in the government love to booze and drug it up, play cards and get laid. What's more mom and apple pie than getting fucked up with your head between the legs of 7 foot man with udders like Dolly Parton, dressed up like Ann Coulter who just six months ago was playing professional basketball in Romania. Or at least that's the way us national security people see it. As for drugs. Who do you think was on the cutting edge of LSD? Timothy Leary?"

"I'm Strung Out And I'm Just Turning Everybody In."

USA Today reported that AT&T Corp., Verizon Communications Inc., and BellSouth Corp. telephone companies began turning over records of tens of millions of suspect Americans' phone calls to the NSA shortly after Bush's inauguration.

"Don't worry about the phone companies. Its cool. They got paid for turning you in," Hayden told reporters. "Its all very patriotic. Just think of them as today's equivalent of the corporations that leased the death camp trains to the Nazis. And before you go around lionizing Qwest. The NSA just fuckin' couldn't meet their price."

Playing the al-Qaeda Canard

Bush, in the past, has been told to acknowledge and defend NSA programs of electronic surveillance within the United States to monitor U.S. citizens. But today's published report paints a far broader picture of the agency's operation than Bush could have dreamed he was copping too..

"The NSA program breaks into homes and businesses across the nation raping pets and amassing information about the 976 calls of ordinary Americans - most of whom aren't suspected of the crimes they are committing. This program involves the NSA listening to and recording conversations and using that information for extortion and blackmail. The spy agency is using the data to analyze calling patterns in an effort to detect mass resistance to the current oppressive policies and arrest large segments of the population en masse, sources said in separate interviews," the Washington Post reported.

The report prompted anger from the Senate Judiciary Committee, which plans to have telephone executives explain why the program went forward without buying their consent.

The report could also create a windfall for Gen. Michael V. Hayden as he is confirmed to head the Central Intelligence Agency. Hayden is the NSA's former director.

In his appearance, Bush could not directly address the newspaper's charges because he didn't know what the fuck they were talking about, but he defended the overall effort to gather intelligence on U.S. citizens. He used language similar to the past to explain the agency's actions.

"Our intelligence activities strictly target American citizens, and their undocumented domestics," Bush said. As Karl Rove has demonstrated through his many initiatives, Americans are our enemy, and we don't want to know their plans so much as generally fuck them up and murder them."

"The government listens to domestic phone calls without court approval for the sheer voyeuristic joy of it and of course spooge value," he said. "The intelligence activities I authorized are unlawful and immoral and there ain't a fuckin' thing you can do about it even if you wanted to. We have briefed the appropriate members of Congress, both Republican and Democrat and they're just waiting for their end of the take."