The Assassinated Press

As the ‘Death Grip’ of the Federal Shutdown tightens the military industrial Beltway Bandits create Furrows for Furloughs program
Rand Paul’s ‘swords into ploughshares’ rapidly becoming a reality

The Assassinated Press

In the Book of Isaiah it is written:

“And the Lord shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore.” — Isaiah 2:3-4

And that is just what is happening in the heart and soul of the greatest killing machine the world has ever known, the Washington Beltway. With much of the federal government on furlough or working without pay, the so-called Beltway Bandits, companies which rely on military and intelligence contracts, taxpayer money, for their gated mansions and fleet of Mozzeratis find themselves in a death grip as they owe Wall Street trillions of dollars in leveraged financial instruments and the fed shutdown has, well, shut down production.

“The first sign was watching thousands of Latin American gardeners flee Northern Virginia for the relative economic prosperity of Mexico and points south,” said CIA analyst turned beet farmer, Frank Wisner. “They could see it coming. So they stopped balling our wives and daughters and left.”

Now, those wives, toned from hours at the spa and fitness center, yet still frumpy from alcohol abuse, can be seen harnessed two or four or even eight at a time dragging a ploughshare over a manicured lawn, a ploushshae beaten from the tail of an F-16 that isn’t going to Egypt, and that Syria can no longer afford.

“Gotta get this beet crop in or we’ll starve,” Jerky Cowchinski, a long time employee of Raytheon said. “No tellin’ when the Fed’ll reopen. And as for the military, Rand Paul and his puppeteers the Koch brothers have in mind to shut us down permanently anyway, along with the CIA, good Christians that they are and start a market based military.”

Thousands of college students have been called home to work the farming communes in Fairfaz County, VA. Colleen Bowstop said “She didn’t mind getting up at 3:00 AM to milk the dairy cows her daddy, a former VP at Lockheed Martin, rustled from a dairy farmer in Bridgewater.

“It’s really a relief using my hands to squeeze out the cow juice. At frat parties back at school I was using my mouth so much I got blisters. See,” she said, the inside of her mouth resembling a pussy mushroom farm.

One former fed employee, the aptly named James ‘Jesus’ Schmeckleton IV, devoutly connected the spirit of the Old Testament Isaiah quote with Jesus Christ’s New Testament message. In full robe and sandals with a crown of thorns, Angleton, dragged a drone with a ten foot wing span across a fairway at the Army Navy Club Private Golf Course in Fairfax, creating a furrow with its tail.

Behind him local women, high on the last of their prescription drugs, cast seeds about in the turned soft turf of a nearby green with its flag still sticking out of the hole. In the nearby rough cannabis could be seen growing where high-biscus once roamed.

. Likewise on the campus of the CIA, acres of weed and cocaine are visible from space jockeying for sunlight and nutrients with football field size patches of poppies. Spaghetti squash, a personal favorite of CIA director, John Brennan, also could be seen in great abundance.

With Wendell Berry elected both Poet Laureate and Mayor of Arlington not an inch of open ground is expected to go uncultivated by next April. Jerry Brown is even thinking of moving to Richmond and running for mayor of Virginia.

And Rand Paul is pushing his ‘drugs without hypocrisy’ to meet the obvious demand for Northern Virginia’s high quality bash and smack and to turn the military brass and their arms dealers into junkies so they won't shoot him upside the head.