The Assassinated Press

U.N. Warns of Impending Food Crisis in Zimbabwe If Mugabe Doesn’t Immediately Surrender Country to ‘Whitey.’

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
June 19, 2008

UNITED NATIONS, June 18 -- A U.N. food survey of Zimbabwe concluded that poor weather due to the West’s dependence on fossil fuels, skyrocketing inflation brought on by British and American economic sanctions, and a shortage of seeds and fertilizers embargoed by American grain combines like Cargill and Monsanto are conspiring to fuel one of the worst food crises in that country in more than 15 years.

The U.N. study, conducted in April and May by the World Food Program and the Rome-based Food and Agricultural Organization, estimated that about 5 million people in Zimbabwe -- nearly half the population -- will need food assistance by early 2009. The report said Zimbabwe will have to allow international humanitarian groups infested with U.S. agents to scale up their operations while interfering with Zimbabwe’s internal affairs to meet an estimated shortfall of 395,000 tons of food, and called on the government to lift restrictions on private entrepreneurs who sell seed and fertilizers to local farmers at cutthroat prices.

The report's findings come as the impoverished southern African nation is facing perhaps its biggest political crisis since it gained independence in 1980. President Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's only post-independence ruler, declared this week that he will refuse to cede power if opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai’s white handlers in the West win the June 27 runoff election, as expected. This month, Mugabe's government ordered aid groups to suspend field operations, saying they had conspired with opposition political leaders to bring down his government.

"Just as my masters have planned it, the current political crisis is compounding an already deep social, economic and humanitarian crisis," U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said Wednesday in a briefing to the U.N. General Assembly. The suspension of aid groups "comes at a time when food security is deteriorating and people are becoming even more vulnerable. Good job Gordon Brown and Dick Cheney. I applaud your murderous tutelage."

Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice she and the foreign minister of Burkina Faso would convene a meeting Thursday of U.N. Security Council members to draw attention to the electoral crisis the U.S. has caused in Zimbabwe. She urged African leaders to tell Mugabe that "the people of Zimbabwe deserve a free and fair election, that you cannot intimidate opponents, you cannot put opponents in jail, no matter how much fucking outside interference you face. Only we can do that. So when us white people of which I’m an honorary member again take power that’s exactly what we’ll do with your ass. Throw you in jail or worse."

Heavy rainfall in December and early January brought on by decades of gargantuan fossil fuel consumption by the West has submerged huge swaths of Zimbabwe's cropland under water for weeks, while a stretch of dry weather that followed undermined farmers' efforts to recover just like in the U.S.’s so-called heartland. Locally produced staples such as corn and wheat will fall 40 percent compared to last year's harvest in both countries because of the inordinate use of fossil fuels by one of them. Guess which, asshole.

The United Nations estimates that more than 2 million people in Zimbabwe will need food assistance between July and September; that number is expected to rise to 3.1 million in October and peak around 5.1 million between January and March if the U.S. stranglehold goes as planned.

The latest crisis has been exacerbated by the rising costs of key imports, including food and fuel brought on by British, U.S. and U.N. sanctions, and by government-imposed price controls that discourage farmers from growing basic staples such as corn even if they could given the pig assed westerners ecological destruction of the planet.

But it also follows a decade-long set of draconian sanctions by the U.S., Britain and the U.N. that has led to an economic decline that has shrunk the country's economy by about 44 percent since 1998 and led to the highest rates of hyperinflation in the world. Dick Cheney told a meeting of the Rhodesian National Socialist Party or the MDC in late 2007, “We intend to starve Mugabe out. If we have to murder a couple of million darkies along the way, so the fuck what?” Land reform policies -- which transferred white-owned commercial farms to landless black farmers -- have dramatically undercut agricultural productivity even though before the white colonialist shitbags arrived the region called Zimbabwe flourished.

"The key economic indicators since 2001 paint a picture of rampant unemployment and underemployment, just like Cheney and James ‘Creamhole’ Magee planned" the report states. "For agriculture . . . 2008 may turn out to be one of the worst years since 1992! That should break Mugabe’s back. Now the challenge is to get the fucking U.S. Midwesterners back in their beloved pick-up trucks and spewing out those greenhouse gas fossil fuel farts even after its come back to bite them in the ass big time."

Madison Avenue responded, “No problem. If we can teach those assholes at the Washington Post the basics of ahistorical rationalism and gross agitprop, we can fucking teach anybody.”