The Assassinated Press

Running Gun Battle Leaves 49 Dead in South Dakota.
Fetus’s and Right to Lifers Shoot It Out With Automatic Weapons Outside Sioux Falls Strip Club.

The Assassinated Press

Today open warfare broke out between 19 fugitive fetuses and several hundred South Dakota Right to Lifers who were seeking to bring ‘the bundle of cells’ to term in South Dakota against their will.

The four hour exchange of gunfire left 49 dead and 119 injured as the embattled fetuses resisted attempts to allow Right to Lifers to bring them to term in a such “a backward shithole as South Dakota” as one fetus serving as spokesit put it.

The gun battle took place outside a favorite Sioux Falls watering hole and titty bar called the Pope's Nose. The fetuses briefly took a local minister, Rev. Buford Hokey, prisoner threatening to cut his throat if they were forced to come to term.

“I’d rather die right here in my amniotic fluid,” one fetus told the Assassinated Press by cell phone, “than be born in the meth infested trailer parks of South Dakota. These hick fucks don’t even have an NFL team."

"Phil Jensen! Phil Jensen! He's my fuckin' daddy," screamed one fetus. "Who would elect a dumb shit fuck like Phil Jensen who can't keep his dick in his pants when he's at the middle school? And I sure as hell don't want to be born into stinkin' South Dakota with Phil Jensen as my asshole, backdoor daddy."

“Them little unborn shits can shoot” Minnehaha County sheriff Pungi Boole told The Assassinated Press. “Them little turds have just got the NRA in their mommas blood .”

16 of the fetuses were killed in the gun battle and two of the remaining fetuses took their own life rather than “be part and party to the ignorant shit pit that is South Dakota.” Wounded in the exchange the sole surviving fetus was rushed to an area hospital and turned down for lack of medical insurance and being an illegal alien.

In spite of having to be treated in a local Jiffy Lube the fetus is listed in good condition.

“The surviving fetus is on a 24 hour suicide watch and the staff is under strict orders not to mention South Dakota,” Sioux Falls spokeswoman Ginsey Spilo told the Ass. Press. “When the fetus revives we’re gonna tell it, it’s in 21st century New York with two NFL teams until it can be brought to term, incarcerated and executed.”