The Assassinated Press

"It's An Infanticidal Day In The Neighborhood. Would You Be Mined? Could You Be Mined?"
U.S. Military, Bush Administration Whine That Press Reported U.S. Bombers Killed More Kids:
New $3.7 Billion Bullying Intiative In U.S. Aimed At Increasing "Rumsfeld/McNamara/Manson/Albright/Kissinger Type Pathologies."

December 7, 2003

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Pieces of nine children were found dead after an American air raid in southern Afghanistan yesterday, the U.S. military said. What the real number of dead Afghani kids is, Americans are not likely to ever know or care. "We're in the process of investigating. If any of the body parts look like they're from individuals above the age of 11, we'll reclassify those parts as enemy combatants," Army Maj. Christopher E. West told The Assassinated Press. "This never should have gotten out in the first place. We haven't had time to hose down the site and lean on the grieving parents," he added.

An American A-10 aircraft struck a site south of Ghazni where a "known terrorist" was mistakenly thought perhaps to be operating at about 10:30 a.m. yesterday, Maj. West went on to say. "Since we've become aware that we're only over here to enrich the Cheney cabal, we aren't gonna risk our asses and go capture or kill the guy at close quarters. So we sent in the A-10 which for all intrents and purposes bombs indiscriminately. Better some raghead's kid gets blown to McNuggets and not me. I ain't gonna become no Happy Meal for the U.S. kleptocracy."

"Following the attack, ground coalition forces searching the area found the bodies of both what may be left of the intended target and those of nine children nearby give or take a dozen or so," he said. "It's like a big jigsaw puzzle right now with a nose here and part of a hand there. We think its nine, but it could be more? At least, pieces of kids are easier to size that adults. I mean, you never end up with an a 2 year old's head on a ten year old's body. Or, at least, hardly ever."

The U.S. military was sending a team of investigators to the site to cover up any fault on the U.S. forces part, West said. "If slaughtering children is good enough for Madeline Albright, it's good enough for me. Didn't that sack of elitist shit say that the murder of 500,000 Iraqi children under U.S. sanctions was worth it? And these genocidal fucks in the Cheney administration, the Congress and Press want to talk about Hussein's war crimes. And God doesn't strike them dead on the spot? Where are you Big Guy? Oh. That's right. Cheney and Albright are using reason. And reason has God on the run."

"At the time we initiated the attack, we did not know there were children nearby because we don't make any effort to find out who's there anyway. Don't be ridiculous. We're scared and we want to go home. If we can indiscriminately bomb and occasionally get a 'bad guy' protecting his homeland without any risk to ourselves, you bet your ass that's the way we're going to do it. If we kill a bunch of kids, that's fine too," he said. "Until we fabricate the investigation results, we won't say what exactly happened. Bob Kerrey's staff has offered to help."

Meanwhile, in Kandahar, a bomb exploded in a bazaar in this southern Afghan city yesterday, wounding about 20 people in an attack that a Taliban spokesman said targeted - but missed - American soldiers who swap alcoholic beverages, spooge mags and tampons from the U.S. commissary for heroin with locals there.

The bomb, apparently placed on a motorcycle and left on a street in the Herat Bazaar district, demolished two shops. Broken glass from the shattered hotel front and victims' blood lay around the scene, which was quickly sealed off by U.S. troops and Afghan police.

All the injured appeared to be Afghans, the U.S.-led military coalition said in an e-mail from its headquarters at Bagram Air Base, north of Kabul sighting very little PR value in the attack.

Taliban spokesman Mullah Abdul Hakim Latifi said the bombing was carried out by fighters from the hard-line Islamic movement, replaced by hardline capitalist forces from the U.S. two years ago.

Speaking with The Assassinated Press in Kandahar by satellite telephone, he said the Taliban bomb was meant for U.S. soldiers swapping at the bazaar, but went off later than planned.

Latifi, a former Taliban official, last week accurately announced that the Taliban had freed a Turkish engineer after holding him hostage for a month.

Kandahar is the stronghold of the Taliban, whose supporters this year have mounted a wave of deadly attacks on soldiers from the U.S.-controlled coalition, U.S. puppet Afghan officials and aid workers, the camp followers of U.S. hegemony.