The Assassinated Press
Wayne’s World: National Rifle Association Opens One Hundred and Thirty Chapters in Afghanistan and Pakistan.
NRA Helps Taliban Seek Second Amendment Remedies Against Governemnt Intrusion.
Al-Qaeda, Taliban, Hezbollah and Hamas to Receive ‘Gun Safety’ Classes from NRA .
US Labor Unions and Citizens All Over the Middle East Clamor for NRA Assistance Against Internal and Outside Threats.
By RUPERT MERDEDUCK
The Assassinated Press
Wayne LaPierre, the Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association, was absolutely beaming as he cut a ribbon outside a cave near Brumboret in western Pakistan just a few kilometers from the border with Afghanistan.
As the green ribbon floated to the ground a volley fired from Kalashnikovs by twenty members of the Simi Valley Republican Women’s group could be heard echoing throughout the valley and the nearby mountains.
About 2000 members of al-Qaeda and the Taliban joined the festive atmosphere by firing their automatic weapons into the air in a show of solidarity with and appreciation for the aid and assistance promised by the NRA.
Osama bin Laden and Sarah Palin were slated to be the keynote speakers, but both sighted scheduling difficulties as the reason they could not attend. The threat of a drone strike was also cited as a possible reason for the cancellations.
But for whatever reason, the honor of giving the keynote speeches fell upon the NRA’s Vice President Wayne LaPierre and Taliban commander Mullah Bakht.
Both gun enthusiasts admitted to their unabashed love of firearms and the fear that the US government was trying to take them away. LaPierre was in tears as Bakht described efforts by the American government to deny the Taliban and al-Qaeda the right to bear arms.
LaPierre at one point stepped to the mike and said, “What you need Mullah Bakht is a Second Amendment to a Constitution like we have in the US.”
The Mullah repeatedly thanked the NRA for its support in setting up shooting clubs for all Pakistanis and Afghans and for the NRA’s promise to lobby the US Congress for funds to supply the Taliban and al-Qaeda with the money necessary to organize and maintain some 30,000 new branches of the NRA in the region.
“Afghans and Pakistanis must be freely armed and equipped to defend themselves from any threat domestic or foreign,” LaPierre told the cheering crowd of some 40,000. “We can’t let the liberals beat us in Kandahar anymore than we can in Kentucky,” he said to cheers and volley after volley of gunfire.
“All mankind shares the gun in common,” LaPierre said. “The gun is part of our common heritage both Christian and Muslim. The NRA’s goal is to insure that heritage remain pure, unsullied unless that sully be a liberal’s blood, and free and allow no one to abridge our right to bear arms. So I’m here today to tell both my friends in al-Qaeda and my comrades in the Taliban that all of the 80,000,000 NRA members worldwide are bursting with pride today as we continue the message of open, unfettered gun ownership in its purest form all around the world. Further, it is an indescribable honor for me today to have our august organization associated with two groups of gun owners, the Taliban and al-Qaeda, who for many years have put their money where their mouth is so to speak and fought in blood to defend their right to gun ownership against overwhelming odds and foreign imperialist incursion! Ich bin al-Kadaner!. Ich bin Talibaner.”
LaPierre received a standing ovation from the crowd of 40,000, most of whom were already standing, even though he later learned that al-Kadaner eamt ‘heart of a dog’ in Arabic.
For his part, Mullah Bakht just shrugged at the cross language malaprop and said, “Fuck. We just want the guns. If this asshole, meshugah American and his bunch of meshugah racists wants to give us weapons on the pretext of some lame principle he is upholding to disguise his racism, more fucking power to him.”
LaPierre and the NRA have also moved to expand their program to include 13 countries in the Middle East including Tunisia, Egypt, Yemen, Djibouti, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia.