The Assassinated Press

Spickun See Deutsch:
Whites-Only Scholarship Brings Cream To The Surface:
Spic Wakes Up In Plutocratic Northeastern College; Imagines He's White:
College Named After Baptist Country Singer/Preacher/Seeker Goes South:
"The Kids Riding The 'Little Shit' Express To Success Like Many Before Him. He's Very Bright For A Spic," Offers Rush Limbaugh.
"Yet Another Gunga Dinesh Eager To Carry Water For the White Man. Well, For One, This White Man Is Grateful," Crows David Duke.

Assassinated Press Writer
March 20, 2004

BRISTOL, R.I. -- On the sleepy coastal campus of Roger Williams University, a small liberal arts school known mostly for its cheap marijuana and low SAT admittance requirements, the College Republicans are reveling in bias they have demonstrated by offering a scholarship for whites only.

"We want to stick it too somebody like those shits at The Assassinated Press or the Weekly Standard do," said Jason Mattera, a junior who started the conservative campus group in his freshman year. "Just imagine. In 1860, we were the first American political party to recognize the sovereignty of Haiti. If I have my druthers we won't make mistakes like that again. I came up here on a cheap-ass spick scholarship and figured out where the real power lies, in Old New England money. I'll make my daddy proud he made me hate myself and him. My uncle thinks my whitebread first name went to my head. "

The $250 award -- which required an essay on "Is $250.00 enough to get through a white trash college like Roger Williams?" or "why you are proud of your ability to separate the genocidal part of your white heritage from the genocidal part of your white heritage that associates progress with technological development even as the planet goes the way of indigenous peoples because of technology" and a recent picture to "confirm you can pass for white or are staggeringly good looking" -- has invited the mirth of everyone who has played poker with a group of horny, self-absorbed, pot smoking, liquor swilling frat boys of all colors. "At least they ain't rapin' nobody we know of," said the Chancellor. However, Mattera and his group are overjoyed at incurring the wrath from minority groups and school officials to the chairman of the Republican National Committee himself with their straw man campaign.

Jason Mattera said kindling debate over free speech and affirmative action was just what he wanted -- but he promises no more. "I'm not going to challenge say the Cheney administration on Iraq. I support the slaughters they do in my name. Besides if I raised that anger and viciousness, that would really be something. With my talent for pissing people off, it could get risky for me going up against the kleptocracy. Thank God, I feel comfortable being a hand puppet for their little affirmative action ploy. I just wake up every morning and thank the Lord I'm not one of those people who have a sense of social justice. Whenever I'm confronted by someone with a conscience I just remember the words of Ass. Press founding editor, Yaso Adiodo, "I revel in being a little shit. If I wasn't a little shit no one would ever pay attention to me. All little shits should aspire to be Karl Rove."

"We did our job," said Mattera, 20, of Brooklyn, N.Y. "This is what college is all about, challenging the challenging of evil by labeling it the status quo. Like calling things politically correct when what could be more politically correct in the real sense, than to call things politically correct." They did such a good job that school President Roy Nirschel, who has clashed with the group before, cut short a trip to Vietnam last month to begin what he called "a healing process" -- including forming a commission on civil discourse. "I've already recommended that when the draft is activated in February of next year that no 2-S deferments be issued for Roger Williams students. So for those kids that can't buy there way out of the draft with their parents money, will switch schools and my problem will just go away. For some of them though the Vietnam trip will be Iraq."

The 35-member gruppen first went bow tie to bow tie with university administration last year over a series of monthly newsletter articles accusing homosexuals of squelching their ability to hate via language because they were afraid to get physical with the gays because the gays would beat the crap out of them. The articles alleged that a well-known gay-rights group indoctrinates students into homosexual sex and that the Republican Gruppen found the offers of gay sex irresistible and wanted the administration e.g. the status quo to protect them from themselves. "Its a slippery slope, I admit," said Mattera. "We had to publicly state that oral sex was not sex because so many of our members blew people from the gay community. Then we had to declare that anal sex was not sex because we Republicans had been fucked by so many of the gay community that it hurt. Then we hit on the idea of the 'free speech' thing because it infringed on our right to express our self-loathing by shouting epithets at people who are really gay."

The administration froze the College Republicans' money for two days. Nirschel said in turn, he received threatening letters claiming he was suppressing the group.

Then another article critical of Kwanzaa, which celebrates the history and heritage of Africa, sparked a complaint by a multicultural student group. "We were gonna do one on Catholics but there are some tough Guineas in Providence," Mattera said. "Beside my mommie would be upset. But we're not bigots, After we get some more attention and someone really threatens us ask me if I've got the cajones to be a Tom Metzger or George Lincoln Rockwell or if I'm just a hypocrite hiding behind respectability like Bill O'Reilly or Rush Limbaugh. Before the Student Senate had a chance to deal with that issue, the College Republicans came up with the white trash-only scholarship. "I mean. $250.00. The scholarship is meant to show our contempt for poor whites too. We hate everyone who's not like we are. And we don't like anyone telling us who we can't hate. And when they hate us back for hating them, we'll use the abstraction of the law as a ploy to get people to see it as legal and level playing field devoid of any of our negative passions and projected self-loathing," Mattera recently told Doctor Phil on the Doctor Phil Show. Doctor Phil answered, "I like you. You're really a twisted little shit. I can probably squeeze 2 or 3 New York Times Non-Fiction Bestsellers out of you and maybe even a mini-series starring the kid who played Frodo in the Tolkien thing." "I'd like that," beamed Mattera.

The application for the $250 award required an essay on "why you are proud of your white heritage" and a recent picture to "confirm whiteness."

"Evidence of cross-breeding will disqualify applicants," read the application.

Mattera, who is of Puerto Rican descent, said the scholarship was a parody of minority scholarships without the minority dimension a key element in parody. Mattera himself was awarded a $5,000 scholarship from the Hispanic College Fund, he said but once reaching Roger Williams fell under the spell of New England old money. Yumm. To paraphrase Fredo in Godfather II---""I'm Smaaht. Why should I be satisfied with some half-nigger spick $5000.00 grant when if I turn on people who are traditionally defenseless I can curry the favor of people with real wealth and power." "Those who come from white (descent) are left to find scholarships among their own who control the vast majority of the country's wealth and are loath to spread it around to the 'lesser breeds' like me," Mattera said. "I wake up every morning and imagine myself white. Then the self-hatred sets in."

When Mattera met Rush Limbaugh the elder radio personality advised, "Now, people that truly hate you are your only friends."

The whites-only scholarship generated national interest and thousands of applicants from families of laid off textile and steel workers, which angered university officials and many students who worried their school would be inundated by the very class of people Mattera and his gruppen were trying to discourage from attending. "Poor whites can be nearly as racist as Cultural Quislings and Blue Bloods," worried Cotton Mather. "They might overshadow us." Minorities make up less than 10 percent of the 3,400 full-time undergraduates.

Some minorities on campus, like Maria Ahmed, a 20-year-old junior from Providence, felt targeted after the Republican gruppen threatened the Nirschel.

"At first it was about the newspaper, just about every issue they were bashing some small minority group," said Ahmed, whose parents were born in Nigeria. "It's hard being a minority on campus, and it felt like (they) were directly talking about you."

"They wouldn't do that if it were a level paying field," interjected Philippe Nkrumah. "This kind of environment demonstrates the truly cowardly of the colonialist mindset. But then their kids. So in a way its a prank like setting fire to a cat. Yet, that's exactly how the CIA burned down Cuban sugar cane during operation Mongoose. No wonder the Old Boy's Club is so popular here on recruiting day."

"We'll continue to fight against affirmative action ... until African-Americans control the majority of the U.S.'s wealth through hip-hop sales and then we'll fight for it," Mattera said.