The Assassinated Press

Verizon Admits Its Screening Process for Agents Favors Lying Sociopaths.
CEO Lowell C. McAdam Says He Models his Company on the Trump Ethos.

The Assassinated Press

Today in open court in Baltimore, Maryland, Verizon CEO Lowell C. McAdam willingly confessed to what every Verizon customer already knows; Verizon employees from the board on down are selected for their willingness and capacity to lie and cheat Verizon customers.

“Shit. I’m just taking a cue from Donald Trump. He openly admits to buying political favors and lies about his assets and numerous bankruptcies and people applaud his ‘honesty’. I mean if you can’t be honest about what a piece of shit you are, what can you be honest about? It’s refreshing. My company, Verizon, is just trying to be ‘refreshing’. We want to be like our PR people con you, the consumer, into being. We want to think you are unique by doing/dressing/smelling/driving/eating what everyone does, or in this case what every corporation is doing, that is fucking you sideways.”

Mr. McAdam went on to tell the First Circuit Court of Baltimore County, Judge Charles B. O’Graft presiding that he wanted his company to be a ‘winner’. “The Donald has been straightforward about how he uses the law to his advantage and damned if the bald little fucker isn’t leading in the Republican polls.”

Emulating his hero Trump, McAdam turned to the jury of 8 men and 4 women and shouted at them, “I’m going to be totally honest with you. This is the new reality. We, the corporate world, are going to fuck you over as consumers and we’re going to fuck you over as human beings. In the board rooms we don’t give a shit about you. Our engineers don’t give a shit much less a have any idea how to build these complex communication systems we peddle. Our installers don’t give a shit because we don’t pay them shit. And finally our consumer affairs division is made up of hand-picked sociopathic assholes prepared to lie until this go forsaken country we call America burns to the ground.”

Then he turned to the four female jurors and said, “You ladies are fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals.”

McAdam indeed had his Trump moment. The entire court room, the members of the jury, The plaintiffs, the bailiffs all surged to their feet and gave the McAdam a standing O as the judged gaveled, “Case dismissed” and a cheer went up throughout the courtroom. And every female in the room went wet with McAdam’s Trumped up derision and the men vowed to become pompous little shits just like ‘The Donald’! Huzzah!