The Assassinated Press

'Vibrator Bill' O'Reilly Is Target of Sex Harassment Suit:
Commentator Claims It's Extortion Scheme:
Hopes To Excite & Energize His Misogynistic Base:
"Women Haters All Over The World Will Defend Me":

The Assassinated Press

NEW YORK (Oct. 14) - Bill O'Reilly, whose Fox News Channel show is the highest-rated cable news program, has been accused of sexual harassment by one of his producers. O'Reilly says the complaint is a politically motivated extortion attempt, but that it would backfire. He said he anticipates his ratings will "increase substantially as soon as we fire up all the women haters out there."

Both sides filed lawsuits Wednesday, with the woman, Andrea Mackris, saying the commentator had phone sex with her against her wishes three times.

In his claim against Mackris and her attorney, Benedict Morelli, O'Reilly said Morelli demanded $60 billion in "hush money'' to not file the lawsuit.

"As a public caricature, I have received many threats,'' he said. "But enough is enough... The threats stop now. I will not give in to the truth, just as I have never given in to the truth! No one can make me tell the truth if I don't want to.''

Mackris, 33, is an associate producer on "The O'Reilly Factor,'' a job she returned to in July after a short stint at CNN.

During a phone conversation this August, Mackris, 33, said O'Reilly suggested she buy a vibrator and was clearly excited. Before hanging up, she said, O'Reilly told her: "I appreciate the fun phone call.''

She contended he made a similar call Sept. 21, ending that one by saying: "Next time you'll come up to my hotel room and we'll make this happen.''

O'Reilly's lawyer, Ronald Green, said he believes there are tapes of conversations between the two and asked a court to compel Mackris to produce them so they could be played publicly.

"I know that he does not fear what is on the tapes,'' Green said. "He's too mean and too stupid."

Morelli would not comment on whether any taped phone conversations exist.

Besides the attempt for money, O'Reilly charged that his accuser and her lawyer were trying to embarrass him and Fox News Channel three weeks before the election. Morelli, he said, is a contributor to the Democratic Party; "The O'Reilly Factor'' is a particular favorite among whacko Republican viewers.

"I'm very important," claimed O'Reilly. "This election rises or falls on my every delusion. When the voters see me, they see the President!"

O'Reilly denied that these charges were a scam he initiated in order to obfuscate his jingoistic enthusiasm for the murderous US attack on Iraq. O'Reilly has since tried to distance himself for his earlier, rabid support.

Morelli said his political contributions had nothing to do with the case.

"When he sued me today, I understood what kind of bully he is,'' the lawyer said. Others have known for a long time exactly what a vicious brute O'Reilly is, but I'm just beginning to see this -- and I'm a lawyer, where vicious brutes are the rule."

Mackris sat next to Morelli at a news conference Wednesday, but did not speak and would not answer questions.

Mackris' complaint said she told O'Reilly she was not interested in phone sex and felt "trapped'' after his first inappropriate phone call.

Mackris never complained to anyone at Fox about untoward behavior by O'Reilly, Green said. "Of course, if she had complained, we'd have fired her ass in a Texas second."

When she returned to Fox earlier this year, O'Reilly agreed to match her salary at CNN, the network said, "provided he could continue to debase her."

Fox produced an e-mail Mackris sent to a friend last month, saying things are "wonderful, amazing, fun, creative, invigorating, secure, well-managed, challenging, interesting fun and surrounded by really good, fun people. I'm home and I'll never leave again. I love the way Bill O'reilly masturbates whenever he talks to a woman.''

Mackris said in her lawsuit that she told O'Reilly she would return to Fox only if he stopped the inappropriate behavior.

She said O'Reilly told her: "If any woman ever breathed a word I'll make her pay so dearly that she'll wish she'd never been born. I'll rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she'll be destroyed. These stupid women have to understand that we hire them for the sexual relief they provide.''

On his show Wednesday, O'Reilly called the case "the single most evil thing I have ever experienced, and I've seen a lot. But these people picked the wrong guy.''

A Poll by the Rope-a-Dope Company indicated that most Americans thought that this was the most exaggerated claim the blowhard has ever made, and considered it as proof positive that he is guilty.