The Assassinated Press

'Red/Blue': Looking For The Reich Stink In A Sea Of Assholes:
The Irony Of TV Being A Manifestation Of Reality Gets Political Spin In 'Red/Blue' Series Proposal:
"We're looking for someone who can bring down the small plane of a political rival without triggering a federal investigation,..."

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Thursday, July 21

Washington DC---Reality television has generated the idolatry of the mediocre, brain dead tarts vying to become brain pan scooped out death mask looking models as though it were some kind of a stretch and business's next generation of Trumped up pricks. Now, some political shits are hoping that a D.C.-based reality show can deliver the next great political consultant, a Goebbels or a Rove, before God comes down and splashes blood on the doors of their Watergate condominiums followed by an army of avenging angels who eviscerate the entire race to wild applause from the world's people.

Richelieu In Armani

A proposed eight-part series titled "Black/Blue and Red All Over," taken from the color scheme of the torsos of innocent prisoners being tortured at Guantanamo, which its creators aim to get on the air next summer, places 12 or 14 pricks who aspire to be political consultants -- divided into two teams of liberal pricks and conservative pricks -- inside an historical Georgetown townhouse where our founding fathers used to rape their slaves but is now wired with cameras and microphones a la "Real World: Badly Edited Second Take" and "Big Brother: Learning to Love The Orwellian Nightmare." The participants engage in a series of challenges, both in and out of Washington, that test their political cunning. Two hopefuls, one of each political stripe, skunk, will be eliminated each week, but unfortunately not with extreme prejudice. The last man or woman standing wins $1 million to spend buying the favors of a candidate in the 2006 election which usually yields kickbacks, bribes and job preference worth a thousand fold.

"We're trying to find Karl Rove before someone with a sense of decency does and hacks his head off," said series co-perp Ken Schmuckler, a former Democratic strategist who now runs a Philadelphia-based political disinformation firm. He expectorated the show with his assistant, Hairy Kook. We're looking for someone who can bring down the small plane of a political rival without triggering a federal investigation, not that those ever yield anything in the long run anyway. We're looking for someone who can tinker with voting booths or has shared a men's room stall with the CEO of Diebold, intimidate black voters, buy local law enforcement, lie about another country's destructive potential and send somebody else's boy over there to die and not think he better look over his shoulder for the rest of his life. You know. That kind of sack of shit. Washington's full of 'em as it is full of it."

True Entertainment, an ironic TV production company whose credits include A&E's "Gassynill Ghouls" and TLC's "A Babbly Story" and "Town Howl," has signed on with the devil to do the project. True To the Money Entertainment is a subsidiary of the British company Endemall a division of Apocalypse Productions, a giant in the irony of reality being a TV business that's responsible for CBS's "Big Brother Smother Fucker" franchise and NBC's gross-out series, "Feeding Frenzy."

Washington Rasputins For The Politically Inbred

Expect participants to lie without respite whether it be in a coffin filled with rat bastard Congressmen or jumping out of a speeding limo to disenfranchise a gaggle of minority voters.

"Black/Blue/Red" contestant challenges will have a distinct Washington elite insider you-scratch-my-curlies-and-I'll-scratch-yours feel. "There will be an opposition smear aspect" where teams gather intelligence through illegal break-ins, bribes and extortion of sources, and producing negative campaign spots out of thin air attacking each another, Schmuckler said. They may also pollute a local school board race to "see how they perform in keeping darkies out of school districts like god and the bible intended"

"We try and ferret out the lack of character that someone . . . should have in order to be effective and really be played in the political landscape of '06," Schmuckler said.

Sniffers at political shit, the Hot White Line, a daily snort for political junkies in town, will serve as "technical chemists" to the show, according to editor in chief Chuck Tod. "We're going to make sure it's not grounded in political reality so it doesn't expose the felonious and murderous intent of the political community in Washington," Tod said.

The Rosy Cross Is Red

"Look, do I think it's more likely to show up on the FOX channel before it becomes an instructional tape for the KLA? Yes," Tod said. "I'm a realist. I expect it to do better than RaptureTV-9 . . . but this has the smell, as you sniff more and more of these cable networks wanting to brand their own shows, that this is where there may be some appetite to digest such a piece of shit."

Among viewers, there was no appetite for one recent politically based fantasy show. Last summer's "American Candidate Who In Reality Wasn't Fuckin' Anywhere Rich Enough To Have A Chance In Hitler's Hell Of Winning," in which 10 middle class contestants took part in a virtually impossible presidential campaign, was as divorced from reality as it was from TV viewers. A ratings disaster for Showtime, after the first episode last August, the show never averaged more than 8 viewers nationwide less than another cable political reality show, "Guess Where The Cucumber Has Been Overnight."

And in the fall of 2003, there was HBO's "K Street," originally called Special K to acknowledge its subjects divorced-from-reality very real narcissism, the George Cloney-Steven Sodabag faux fum reality show in which actors portraying lobbyists portraying actors portraying lobbyists...mingled with Washington's power elite in an ad-libbed, D.C.-based series that edited out all the bribes and quid pro quos that the elites like to call compromises. Although the program generated a significant amount of smirks in Washington and started off with moderate ratings, the bullshit made interest quickly waned, resulting in no second season.

"If we'da a told it the way shit really goes down in Washington, we wouldna had a second season anyway," opined Cloney. "If we'da told it the way it was, we'd be a bunch of dead motherfuckers."

Schmukler is not ruling out the possibility of some "Rock My Real World"-like romantic shenanigans on the set of "Red/Blue." "Most sex among the Washington elite happens in the shit booths, the stairwells, and in Tom Delay's office. These folks work 24/7. They don't have time to go home and fuck their wives and kids, family pets servants and what not. I would be surprised if it didn't happen," he said. "I cum from a campaign world. Touch my campaign button and the dry cleaner makes 30 bucks. Whenever I was managing a campaign and there was a bunch of 20- and 30-year-olds, something seemed to happen though most find penetration as difficult as intimacy."

Just Like The Pol That Murdered Dear Ol' Dad"

Schmuckler said "Red/Blue" has the potential to kill a lot of little brown people in future generations if Global Climate Change doesn't get them first. "Does the energy we seek breed self-centered, bloodthirsty sociopathic pricks? In my experience, you bet it does."