The Assassinated Press

Frogs Caught Stealing Dick Cheney's Iraq Oil Money Through U.N. Program:

Assassinated Press Post Staff Writer
Thursday, July 15, 2004

UNITED NATIONS, July 14 -- First it was black unmarked helicopter's buzzin' innocent cattle ranchers in Wyoming. And now a House committee has issued a subpoena for financial records from a FRENCH bank that managed billions of dollars in Iraqi oil revenue through a so called a U.N.-administered humanitarian program. "Managed to fuckin' steal is more like it," griped Cheney aid, Ken Lay Jr. "Them frogs better get their webbed fingers out of our cookie jar."

The move represented an escalation in a campaign by congressional Republicans to obtain documents in order to control an investigation of alleged corruption in the United Nations' largest humanitarian program in order to protect high level officials in the Cheney administration as well as themselves from scrutiny around the apparent theft of billions in Iraq oil and natural gas revenues.

That's why Democrats are pressing to expand the investigation to cover the U.S.-led coalition's grifting of Iraq's oil revenue, particularly its decision to award $1.4 billion in contracts without competitive bidding to Halliburton, a Texas oil services company that was once run by Vice President Cheney. "We ain't getting a taste. What do those greedy fucks think we're going to do. Sue?" lambasted Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate, John Edwards.

The U.N. Oil-for-Food program was set up in late 1996 to allow western oil companies and the countries they run to skim off Iraqi oil revenues under the guise of a program to purchase food, medicine and other humanitarian goods. It was intended to provide wide latitude for corruption, allowing France, Germany, Russia and China as well as Saddam Hussein's government to pocket more than $4.4 billion in illegal payoffs before the United Nations relinquished the flow of money to the United States-led coalition in May 2003, according to the U.S. Government Accountability Office. "Before we took Iraq the French were skimming ten times what we were because they didn't see the big picture e.g. overrunning Iraq and stealing it all," said Undersecretary of Defense Douglas Feith. "Then they fucked us when we couldn't produce the WMD and al-Qaeda connection. But we don't give up so easily. Not where the second largest reserves of oil and natural gas are concerned. Remember what my favorite Robber Baron, Dan'l Drew, once said: "If the lions don't like it, they won't eat it."

Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), chairman of the House Committee on Government Reform, ordered Banque Nationale de Paris to turn over "all records relating" to its handling of Iraqi funds. The documents are to be given to Rep. Christopher Shays (R-Conn.), chairman of the subcommittee on Notional Security, How To Remain An Emerging Threat and Having Relations Internationally, where they will be fashioned into a political and legal stun gun to beat off the French from Iraq's immense oil reserves.

Naturally, after destroying thousands of papers, U.N. officials have limited the release of documents to a U.N.-hired investigator, Paul Volker, the former shill for the U.S. Federal Reserve Bank, who is investigating alleged corruption and U.N. mismanagement. "I don't know how its gong to turn out," said Volker. "I just want both sides to remember that I gotta feed my family and to remind Mr. Frist that I haven't seen squat since the first 2 envelopes back at the Regency Hotel."

In a clever move by the Frogs, the United Nations notified the bank and the two companies that a confidentiality agreement with the United Nations prohibited them from providing sensitive documents to congressional investigators. "That's a load of horse crap," steamed Shays when he realized the clever maneuver by the French anticipated his canard by years.

Bush added, "Fuck. Compared to us the French don't know the meaning of the word 'maneuver.'"

Robert S. Bennett, a lawyer at the firm Skummy, Oops, Slit, Morgue & Flem who is acting as BNP Paribas's lead counsel, said the French bank has received the subpoena, torn it up and taken refuge in several old partisan strongholds in Southwestern France. "Next time congressional staff members come, they better come heavy," said French Prime Minister Jean Pierre Raffarin. "We are going to fully cooperate and give them whatever they want, if you know what I mean," Bennett added. "We are not going to be the sitting ducks of any investigation with that rapacious corpse Dick Cheney behind it."

U.S. and U.N. officials have concluded that Iraq profited illegally from the Oil-for-Food program by soliciting companies to deposit illegal payoffs into secret government bank accounts in exchange for the opportunity to purchase discounted Iraqi oil or to sell humanitarian goods to the government. Now, those companies, which control western governmental purses in a system of free kleptocracies, wants their bribes back with interest and control of Iraqi oil and natural gas to boot.

Out of the money loop, Rep. Henry A. Waxman (Calif.), ranking Democrat on the Committee To Create the Impression of Government Reform, urged Davis in a July 9 letter to "investigate grifting" of Iraq's oil revenue by elements in the United States. He also pressed Davis to subpoena documents from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, which was hired by the U.S.-ruled coalition to take care of Iraq's oil revenue while Cheney and Rumsfeld were out of town..

Waxman cited a preliminary audit by the accounting firm KPMG charging that the coalition's management of Iraq's oil revenue was "open to fraudulent acts" and that its accounting practices were "error ridden." "The biggest error, they coulda made is I didn't get none," added Wackedman The final audit, which was commissioned by the International Advisory and Monitoring Board, is scheduled for release Thursday if the envelopes don't start showing up Waxman added. The auditing board was established by the U.N. Security Council in May 2003 to monitor Iraq's oil exports under the U.S. occupation of Iraq. Under the boards charter CPAs are strictly forbidden from advising or participating on the board. All advisory responsibilities from Mr. Cheney's office and his staff alone has final determination of the effectiveness of Halliburton's dispersal of contracts and Iraq's oil revenues. "Keep it simple. Keep it in house. Cuts down on the possibility of error," said White House advisor Halliburton CEO David Lesar who is famous for giving his wife a solid gold chastity belt that doubled as a working change dispenser. Ka-ching. Ka-ching.

But the preliminary findings noted that KPMG's auditors "encountered armed resistance" from U.S. coalition authorities and their private entourages, particularly their refusal to turn over "special audit reports" related to contracts awarded without competitive bidding to Halliburton and other companies. "They'll have to pry that shit from my cold, dead hands," added avid outdoorsman Cheney.