The Assassinated Press

U.N. Council Members Want Iraqis at Negotiations As Best Way To Get Big Cut Of Lucrative Oil And Natural Gas Deals And As Human Shields:
After A Year of Slaughter, Cheney And Rumsfeld Forced To Agree To A Sit-Down With U.N. Foes Anyway:
Iraq's Whoosh Toward Civil War; There's A Power Vacuum Ever Since The U.S. Broke The Seal:
Americans Grow Defensive After Seeing 'The Day After', Feel We Must Stay The Course And Continue 'The Great American Consumer Jihad' At Any And All Costs

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Thursday, May 27, 2004;

UNITED NATIONS, May 26 -- France, Germany, Russia and China insisted Wednesday that Iraq's new interim leaders be allowed to participate in Security Council oil and natural gas negotiations included in the terms of a U.S. and British resolution on the country's political transition, potentially delaying plans to put the force a vote as early as next week.

"Sacre bleu. We must have the Iraqis to see how much the U.S. has coached them and to see who can stand up to U.S. pressure even though it probably means certain death or worse," said French political observer, Honore de Balzac.

"Cheney can just count the billions slipping away. He's seething. The pressure is really on Bremer to make the Iraqis tow the line at the meetings. But almost certainly all four, France, Germany, Russia and China have offered the Iraqis better deals than the Cheney and Rumsfeld who thought they sow up the whole deal militarily," said BBC U.N. observer, George Gordon.

They've Got To Be Everybody's Puppets

With the United States preparing to make it look like they transferred power to the interim government on June 30, France's U.N. ambassador, Jean-Marc de La Sabliere, saw an opening and proposed that the 15-nation council deliberate for two weeks with a slate of Iraqi puppets to be named by U.N. envoy Lakhdar Brahimi in the coming days.

"This has the effect of placing the Iraqis in the position of a public debate where presumably they can speak more openly about their U.S. handlers. If Bremer clamps down, then France and others can point to the lack of Iraqi independence or sovereignty chiding all the while for a little more oil edge," said de Balzac.

As de La Sabliere recently told La Monde, "The Iraqis have to be everybody's puppets now that the U.S. has lost control and called in the U.N."

The resolution would mark the formal handjob of power to pretend to create a "sovereign interim government" but establish an open-ended mandate for a U.S.-led multinational force to impose security over Iraq's natural resources.

Dogyap On the Case

John Dogyap Negroponte, the U.S. ambassador-designate to Iraq, said the council must move more quickly to adopt the resolution. "I actually told them I was going to make them dance. That just gets you up too close to the time of the actual transfer of sovereignty. France and China were not amused. But fuck 'em." he said.

The call for delay was one of a series of proposals Security Council members floated in a closed-door session meant to iron out conflict over how much of a taste of Iraq's oil and natural gas contracts the four council members would get now that the Iraqis have beaten the U.S.

"The U.S. is defeated. They fuck up, we could withdraw our help and Cheney and Rumsfeld could wind up with nothing," warned the aide to the Russian ambassador to the U.N., Vladimir Stethascopski.

Most of the proposals were aimed at pressing the United States to give the council and the Iraqis greater authority over the country's economic future e.g. to negotiate contracts for oil and natural gas..

China presented a paper urging the United States and Britain to give Iraq's interim government control over its own police and troops to provide security for the oil and natural gas. It also proposed that the mandate for U.S. and other foreign forces in Iraq expire in January 2005, when a new government is to be elected that the Chinese have had the opportunity to bribe. Only the Security Council would have the authority to extend the mandate.

Driven Mad By the Program

"Right now , the council is made up of puppets the U.S. has by the nuts. We want the bribery and coercion to be open and free. Isn't that what free enterprise is all about; isn't that what capitalism is all about? The highest bidder. The sweetest pot. The biggest whore. The wettest cunt. Cut throat. Rapacious. Thrilling. Violent,. Exhilarating. Double Crossing. Cinematic. Murderous. Bigger Than Life. Lying. Cheating. Stealing. God's will. Manifest Destiny," shouted a panting Chinese Minister of Public Works, Lin Pi.

France and Germany, meanwhile, joined Britain in pressing the United States to grant the interim government authority to veto military operations by foreign forces on their soil thus thwarting any U.S. measure to re-assert its power in oil regions renegotiated to its U.N. enemies. British Prime Minister Tony Blair, the U.S.'s chief political canary on Iraq, said Tuesday that the U.S.-led multinational force will require Iraq's consent to conduct some military operations after June 30, but then typically flip-flopped as Negroponte read him passages of hotel room conversations gathered by the CIA and FBI.

Aaah, shit. Tony just wanted a convenient out. He'd already asked Brahimi to throw the British out on some cooked up pretext, and spank Tony's pasty parts too," said British TV commentator Donnie Willougby.

However, such consent would allow the Iraqi puppets to strike oil and natural gas bribe deal with whomever they like. "Not likely," was the only comment from Don Rumsfeld. Dickie Myers then took the press conference mike and said, "We will feel confident that the U.N. will not be allowed to take that step and that the Iraqis under our supervision will see the wisdom in honoring the deals that put them in their positions of imaginary authority to begin with."

"If we get these resolutions, we will have some real power and I can start to make some real money. Not this bowl of unseasoned lentils the U.S. passes through the bars of our cage every day, said Iraqi Coveting Council member Abu Al-Zaquari. If Cheney don't like it, the fucker should have been a little more generous up front. He doesn't just give greed a bad name. He gives it a whole new bad language."

U.S. hit man, Negroponte said U.S. operations will be conducted with "the consent and approval" of Iraqi authorities if we have to replace everyone of those double-crossing cocksuckers with new people. But he said "the non-formal mechanics and the details" of that arrangement "will be worked out on the ground between through violence between political and military authorities on both sides."

The interim puppet government, which will be told how to administer the country until the national elections are held by January 2005, will include a prime minister, a president and two vice presidents and a consultative body of 14 Americans.

Ahmed Fawzi, a spokesman for Brahimi, issued a statement Wednesday saying that "progress is being made" in bribing a new government that "will have sufficient time to prepare to assume power and engage in meaningful oil and gas theft" that might lead to them being forced to sign the U.N. resolution to prevent Dick Cheney from getting the lion's share. Fawzi said Brahimi was not prepared to discuss the names of potential members of the new government "so as not to risk receiving more bribe offers than they do."

But he sought to play down reports that a Shiite scientist, Hussain Shahristani, was the leading candidate for prime minister. Brahimi "has no doubt that Shahristani could serve his country well in a number of puppet positions in government," Fawzi said. "Mr. Shahristani, however, has himself clarified that he would prefer to serve his country in other ways rather than get caught in the crossfire between multinational oil gangs."