The Assassinated Press

Geithner Fakes Vast Expansion of U.S. Oversight of Financial System.
Wall Street Reassures Investors “If We Can’t Buy Our Way Out of It, I’m Certain We Can Circumvent the Law.”
Cassano Says “Fuck Geithner and Summers. They’re on the payroll, just like Rubin, Bernanke, Paulson and Greenspan.”

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
March 26, 2009

Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner today postured a sweeping expansion of federal authority over the financial system, pretending to break from an era in which the government stood back from financial markets and allowed participants to decide how much theft was allowed in the pursuit of a lifestyle that even Caligula would consider obscene.

“Ah fuck!” said former AIG executive Joe Cassano. “If Geithner’s serious we got a thousand ways to cut off his balls. We can buy the votes in Congress. Failing that we can buy legislation to neuter the regulatory agencies or put the whole shit under some underfunded office like Office of Thrift Supervision with one schmutz to regulate a thousand corporations. Or we could just ignore Geithner and write our own legislation or just come up with new ways to package shit so it looks like gold. If we can’t make the law, we break the law. But I don’t think Geithner will do shit. The whole thing is just for show.”

The Obama administration's plan would theoretically extend federal regulation for the first time to all firms trading in financial derivatives and to companies including large hedge funds and major insurers such as American International Group so its really a mute point that the approach is viable because Larry Summers is right there in the Obama administration to scuttle it. Along with Phil Gramm, Larry Summers was right there scuttling regulations every step of the way, leading to the largest heist in the History of Civilization. “The only crime of such magnitude that comes to mind,“ said short seller Grewsum Asshole III, “ was when god made the dinosaurs, then slaughter them and scattered their bones all over so he could have a good laugh as his creation man and feel superior which of course he is. I couldn’t scatter those bones. Could you? They’re fucking heavy. And they’re fossilized like rock. I’d need a crane and a backhoe. You can trust your money with me.”

The administration also will also pretend to seek to impose uniform standards on all large financial firms, including banks, an unprecedented step that would place significant limits on the scope and risk of their activities.

In written testimony submitted today to the House Financial Services Committee, Geithner appeared to call for regulators to impose executive compensation standards on all financial firms but members had been assured before hand that it was all a charade. The guidelines would push firms to base pay on employees' long-term performance, curtailing big paydays for short-term victories proposals that are laughable on the face of it.

Cassano said “Look if we didn’t have trillions of dollars, much of it tax payer money, the rest investors’, none of it ours, I still wouldn’t give Geithner’s shit a snowball’s chance on an un-terraformed Mars. But we got enough dough to buy Congress until the polar icecaps melt. So fuck Geithner. All I can say is he better be playin’.”

A long-simmering snit about Wall Street pay practices burbled last week when the Obama administration disclosed that insurance giant AIG had paid $165 million in bonuses to employees of its most troubled division, despite losing so much money that the government stepped in with more than $170 billion in emergency aid.

“I wouldn’t call it anger,” Cassano said. “I’m still safe living here in London. The right wing media is turning the focus away from the real criminals like me and turning it into a partisan canard. When it comes to the politicians, they were all in it including Geithner. There isn’t a congressman or military brass that doesn’t expect to be on the kleptocracy’s payroll after he done the rich’s dirty work.”

Most of Geithner’s initiatives would require legislation in other word’s congressional committees where proposals could be watered down while the Obama administration still can claim to have tried.

“It’s a PR run to defuse the masses as though those limp dicks Americans need diffusion, Cassano said. “An asshole on the payroll like Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly can point them in the wring direction and the American public’s sense of smell is so deadened by the airwaves artificial air pollutants, they go in circles until they’ve exhausted their tiny little brains and plop down on the couch. I mean I stink to high heaven. It’s as though I’m one solid block of shit. I almost single handedly plunged the world into a financial ice age. But ask how many of the Great American Bald Lemmings know my name much les what I did and I guarantee you it ain’t one out of a thousand. I laugh every time I think about it or right Rupert Murdoch a check.”

The administration sent the first piece of proposed legislation to Congress this morning, which would grant the government the power to seize any large, troubled financial firm. The government currently wields that power only over banks. Congress replied that they had not received the legislation. “It must have got lost in the mail,” said Republican Representative from Ohio John A. Boehner (pronounced Boner). Congress will decide whether to launch an investigation in August about the lost bill. They have asked the Obama administration to refrain from presenting any further bills until the mystery of the lost bill on March 29 can be resolved. “It could take years especially if the loss of the bill involves national security.”

Geithner discussed the proposed legislation at the hearing on Capitol Hill this morning, in addition to other steps aimed at ultimately maximizing the risk of more theft by pretending to limit the risk that the largest financial firms pose to the economy.

Cassano said, “We fuckin’ financiers slash thieves like nothing more than a legislated challenge to our criminal behavior. We’re like fucking Ocean’s Eleven, the bigger the challenge the more we relish the rip off.”

In coming months, the administration had planned to detail its strategy in three other areas: protecting consumers, eliminating flaws in existing regulations and enhancing international coordination, but the loss of the original bill had thrown a monkey wrench into the timetable. Geithner commented “Awe shucks,” upon hearing of the setback.

"Our postal system failed in basic fundamental ways," Geithner told the committee. "On the other hand, the private sector understands how to rip the system. Compensation practices rewarded short-term profits over long-term returns. Pervasive failures in consumer protection left many Americans with obligations they did not understand and could not sustain. The huge apparent returns to financial activity attracted fraud on a dramatic scale. . . . Regulated institutions held too little capital relative to their exposure to risk. Supervision and regulation failed to prevent these problems. There were failures where regulation was extensive and failures where it was weak and absent. You could say this was capitalisms finest hour."

Geithner added: "To address this will require comprehensive reform. Not modest repairs at the margin, but new rules of the game. And the new rules must be simpler and more effectively enforced. So that’s why it will never happen." He said financial products and institutions should be regulated according to their economic function and the risks they pose, not their legal form, but he was pretty certain they never would in any real sense because they are “crazed bunch of thieving motherfucking sociopaths. You know that spot in the fish tank where the scum collects. That’s Wall Street and the financial markets.”

"We can't allow institutions to cherry-pick among competing regulators and shift risk to where it faces the lowest standards and weakest constraints," he told the committee. “But there is little we can do to stop it even if we had the will. They can buy anybody. They bought me and here I am feeding you this bullshuit.”

The committee chairman, Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), dreamed that while "no system is going to prevent all failures," the goal of new regulatory authority would be to "minimize the likelihood that entities will get so heavily indebted, so heavily leveraged with inadequate resources . . . that their lack of success threatens the whole system." He called for new rules "that set a fair playing field, that constrain abuses, that protect legitimate and responsible entities from irresponsible competition." In economics this is called the ‘Dream On While the Cat Burglar Robs You Blind Approach.’ And the Great American Bald Lemming is already blind so he’s no stranger to gullibility wrapped in a juicy fatty strip of nationalism.

The top Republican on the committee, Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.), voiced general support for stronger regulatory authority but said that "any new regime for resolving or liquidating non-banks" should not rely on taxpayer funding. “We should get the money from the institutions that we are sworn to legislate. They pay better.”

Treasury's legislative proposal "suggests the administration is considering using taxpayer funding to pay the cost of resolving these failed financial firms," he said. "This to me is unacceptable and would serve only to promote moral hazard. I will not be forced to act morally under threat of prosecution. I want to be able to perpetuate the too-big-to-fail doctrine that the American people have squarely rejected because frankly the American people can suck my dick and if the motherfucking financial institutions aren’t too big to fail they aren’t big enough to buy my vote."

He also complained that the proposal "empowers federal regulators with incredible discretion," which may not be "always administered fairly or even-handedly. I mean they might get a bribe that under current non-legislation might have gone to me."

In his testimony today, Geithner did not call for any existing federal agencies to be eliminated or combined. His plan focuses on pretending to set standards first, leaving for later any reshaping of the government's administrative structure. “Why buy new furniture when you know you’re not serious about painting the walls,” Geithner analogized. “And tell that grifty old fuck ‘Bacchus’ Bachus not to worry. He’ll still get his payola.”

The nation's financial regulations are largely an accumulation of responses to financial crises. Federal bank regulation was a product of the Civil War and the banks got around that with a lot of help from Congress and the executive. The Federal Reserve was created early in the 20th century to mitigate a long series of monetary crises and Wall Street and the banks made a laughing stock of those regs. This lead to the Great Depression which eventually delivered deposit insurance and a federally sponsored mortgage market which Phil Gramm dismantled for a few million dollars. In the midst of a modern economic upheaval, the Obama administration is pitching the most significant regulatory expansion since that time, but it represents little or no challenge to the inspired criminality of Wall Street and the financial sector.

An administration official said the goal is to pretend to set new rules of the road so “the hoi poloi don’t actually exercise their Second Amendment rights but just continue to pay lip service to them.”

“Beside with wealthy shithead liars like me on the scene,” Rush Limbaugh recently told a shareholders group, “I’ll divert blame to poor black and Hispanic mortgage defaulters, unions, illegal aliens, aliens from outer space, Paris Hilton, trailer parks, the homeless, deli meats, Barry Bonds, one legged vets, the Octomom, ACORN, working people, polar bears, the French and femi-nazis, anybody but the fucks that stole the money because they fucking own me. I’m bought and paid for and you don’t want to see ol’ Rush torn to pieces like ol’ Orpheus who also foreswore women because he was too fat to fuck. I mean if I cross the kleptocracy now some halibut will be shitting Rush toxins into Puget Sound next Tuesday.”

The Obama administration hopes to restore faith in the financial system while not actually doing anything but putting it at increased risk.

In essence, the joke is in the supposed rebuke of raw capitalism and a reassertion that regulation is critical to the healthy function of financial markets and the steady flow of money to borrowers.

The administration's signature proposal is to vest a single federal agency with the power to police risk across the entire financial system. The agency would regulate the largest financial firms, including hedge funds and insurers not currently subject to federal regulation. It also would monitor financial markets for emergent dangers. The proposed agency---that’s right, the Office of Thrift Supervision or OTS but with the staff cut from the current one regulator to one part time temp.

Geithner called for legislation that would define which financial firms are sufficiently large and important to be subjected to this increased regulation. Those firms would be required to hold relatively more capital in their reserves against losses than smaller firms in off-shore accounts free of U.S. taxes, to pretend to demonstrate that they have access to adequate funding to support their operations also known as cooking the books, and to maintain constantly updated assessments of their exposure to financial risk which in the past have been easily falsified if not fabricated.

The designated agency would not replace existing regulators but would be granted the pretend powers to compel firms to comply with its directives which if history ahs taught us anything about turf wars will not happen. Geithner's testimony does not identify which agency should hold those powers, but sources familiar with the matter said that the Federal Reserve, widely viewed as the most obvious choice, is the administration's favored candidate presumably because they had the one of the largest roles to play in the original heist.

Geithner and other officials have said in recent weeks that such powers could have kept in check the excesses of AIG and other large financial companies and that’s precisely why they were not and never will be put in place.

"The framework we imagine would significantly raise the prudential requirements, if we ever get through the crisis, that our largest and most interconnected financial firms must meet in order to ensure they continue to pose risks to the system," Geithner said yesterday in a speech before the Council on Foreign Relations in New York, a group made up of major thieves involved in the latest trough fest.

Hand in glove with this expanded oversight, the administration also is seeking the authority to seize these large firms if they totter toward failure and make taxpayers pay for their bullshit.

The administration yesterday detailed its proposed process, under which the Federal Reserve Board, along with any agency overseeing the troubled company, would recommend the need for a takeover. The Treasury secretary, in consultation with the president, then would authorize the action. The firm would be placed under the control of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. The government also would have the power to take intermediate steps to stabilize a firm, such as giving them more taxpayer money.

"Destabilizing dangers can come from financial institutions besides banks, but our current regulatory system provides few ways to deal with these risks," Geithner said yesterday. "Our plan will give the government the tools to accelerate risk-taking at firms that could set off cascading damage. Those fuckers love a regulatory challenge. Getting the fuck over is their thing."
Joe Cassano commented, “Getting fucking over is my thing.”