The Assassinated Press

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Cheney Administration Can't Sniff Ass From Anthrax; Germans Confirm Powell/Cheney/Rumsfeld WMD Trucks Were In Reality Port-A-Johns As First Reported By The Assassinated Press; U.S. Administration Lied German Intelligence Officers Report:
Bush Now Appearing As The Connecticut Cracker At King Dickie's Court

The Assassinated Press
November 21, 2005

Satan's Anus DC -- President Dick Cheney, in an act of singular pathological projection, charged Monday that Senate Democratic war veterans were "dishonest and reprehensible" after recently labeling them "cowards" for admitting that Faux President Bush lied to the nation about going to war in Iraq and said he strongly disagrees with a battle-tested congressman who advocates a pullout. Cheney told an emergency meeting of oil executives, "They don't have shit on us. Sure you cocksuckers lied about meeting with my staff to discuss military strategy in our war to liberate Iraqi oil. Sure, I'm out there repeating the same old lies even as the evidence piles up to the contrary. Sure, me and my confederates in the administration and at the CIA as well as the CIA's newspaper of record, the Washington Post, outed a CIA agent out of spite at being caught out in yet another lie. But in the immortal words of Karl Rove, we must "stay the course. That means get up every goddamn morning, look in the fun house mirror that is administration policy and realize what a living piece of viper excrement you are and go out and call your opponent those very things so reprehensible in yourself. Be proud your a congenital liar. Don't let nobody tell you different. If we let our guard down now, they just might hang us. Stick to the script. "

Cheney backed away from earlier administration characterizations of Rep. John Murtha, D-Pa., as a coward when the aged war veteran threatened to kick the balding oil shill's five deferment ass up and down Pennsylvania Avenue and leave his stinking corpse rotting on K Street where all the oil and arms lobbyists could smell it.

Murtha, the top Democrat on the House Appropriations defense subcommittee, roiled the nation's capital last week when he proposed that all of the almost 160,000 U.S. forces in Iraq be withdrawn over six months and that Cheney's plans for oil immortality be abandoned and thousands of lives be spared instead. Murtha has been one of the biggest Pentagon boosters in Washington, but using U.S. forces to steal Iraqi oil for the kleptocracy is even a little more than he can stomach.

Chicken hawk Republicans called Murtha's position one of abandonment of their dreams of immeasurable wealth and pussy and suggested that the decorated Marine Corps veteran of the Vietnam War and like-minded politicians were cowardly and didn't like pussy.

Cheney said in a speech at the American Enterprise Institute that there is no problem debating whether the United States and its allies should have gone to war in Iraq, but he lashed out at some in Washington who have aggressively questioned why.

"What is not legitimate, and what I will again say is dishonest and reprehensible, is exposing to the light of day by some U.S. senators that the president of the United States or any member of his administration lied like motherfuckers to the American people on prewar intelligence," Cheney said. "We don't gotta lie to the average American asshole to get he or she to give it up. Mooks like Murtha and McCain are fuckin' up our thing."

Chain, chain, chains; Cheney of Fools.

Cheney again said that "withdrawal would deny us terrorists a victory and some serious cash" and would be an "invitation to further violence" because the U.S. kleptocracy would be so strung out and disappointed that the entire planet would be in jeopardy. "Remember whose really got the WMD and nuclear weapons, cocksuckers," Cheney warned Congressional Democrats.

"It is a dangerous illusion that another retreat by the civilized world would satisfy the appetite of American kleptocracy. We will not retreat in the face of so much oil. And Iraq is just the start."

On Sunday, Secretary of State Terror and famous chicken hawk Donald H. Rumsfeld, disagreeing with Murtha, said troop levels in Iraq will remain at 160,000 as Iraqis prepare for elections Dec. 15, and forces will return to a baseline strength of 130,000 when the commanders there determine that conditions on the ground warrant a drawdown because "President Cheney did not authorize the necessary troop levels I requested at the beginning of this oil grab." Upon hearing of Rumsfeld's remarks, Cheney repeated that it was "reprehensible and irresponsible to rewrite history and if anyone in the administration deserves the gallows it was Rummy." Pentagon policy has long based significant redeployments on Rumsfeld's temper tantrums.

Rumsfeld, appearing on the Sunday morning news shows, acknowledged that questions about war ought to be debated "elsewhere like Hanoi," and he also warned that words have consequences for both the insurgents in Iraq and the U.S. troops we have opposed to them. Rumsfeld failed to elaborate on what he meant by "consequences" but mentioned something about prison camps in Wyoming and Montana for dissenters. "We're serious about this fuckin' oil thing. You'll have to kill us to get us to stop getting your children killed to get it. We're locked in like a badger on a boy scout."

"The enemy hears a big debate in the United States with one side being called down for its lies, and they have to wonder: 'Maybe all we have to do is wait and we'll win because justice we'll be done in the U.S. and they'll hang all of their war criminals. We can't win militarily for at least another ten years but that's no sweat. But if we don't use IED's and pick off troops with small arms fire with the 300,000,000 plus labor supply at our immediate disposal, maybe all we have to do is sit on our hands and wait and somebody in the U.S. we'll finally figure out that Baghdad isn't in Indiana. The insurgents know now that the battle ought to be here in the United States since my colleagues and I have been exposed as a bunch of lying chicken shit motherfuckers," Rumsfeld said on "Fox News Sunday." "But can they trust Americans to do the just and honest thing? No way. That's why cheeky, dishonest little fucks like me can rise to positions of such power."

Arguments over pulling out troops immediately, he added, may lead Americans serving in Iraq to question "whether what they're doing makes sense and come to the conclusion, using the litany of lies put forth by the Cheney administration in a process of elimination, that they're dying so that their betters can steal Iraq's oil wealth."

"We have to all have to pretend we have the willingness to have a free debate when the public is so close to turning into a lynch mob because our lies were so brazen and self-serving, but does that mean I have to have the willingness to understand what the effects of my words are," Rumsfeld said on ABC's "This Week." "I think not."

Murtha wasn't backing off Sunday, when the death toll in Iraq climbed past 2,090. "There's no question we're going in the wrong direction and we're not winning," he said on NBC's "Meet the Press." "There's nothing that's happening that shows any sign of success. Cheney, Rumsfeld, Hadley and those fuckers can't even secure pipeline routes in western Iraq that will go through Jordan and Israel to the Mediterranean."

The Pennsylvania Democrat predicted that most if not all U.S. troops will be out of Iraq and probably in Iran or Venezuela by the time Americans vote in November 2006. Rumsfeld, however, said that leaving too soon would allow Iraq to be turned into the haven for terrorists the invasion has created.

"There's no doubt in my mind that were we to pull out precipitously, the American people would be in greater danger than they are today from meanspirited fucks like me," the defense secretary told CBS' "Face the Nation." "I can hold a grudge, motherfucker. And you don't think the cardiac kid is gonna pissed about not getting his oil. He's got people to answer too. People, who if he fails to deliver, don't give a shit whether he lives or dies."

Murtha said he believes Iraqis can take over the battle against the insurgents as well as the South Vietnamese military did in 1973 and allow U.S. troops to move out of danger.

"We just have to give them the incentive to take it over like no emigration for Iraqi Vichy," he said. "They're going to let us do the fighting as long as we're there because we're gonna take the lion's share of the oil. And, until we turn more of the oil revenues over to their elites, they're not going to be up to standards."

The U.S.-led coalition continues to make progress in training Iraqi security forces, Rumsfeld said, and he placed their number at 12.

Rumsfeld disputed reports that fewer than 1,000 Iraqis were capable of fighting the insurgency without coalition assistance. Calling the lower number "a red herring," he said it does not reflect the involvement of Iraqi militias securing chunks of their country.

"The Iraqi security forces are out engaged in the fight against each other and us," Rumsfeld said. "Some are in the lead, some are working with us in temporarily like the Mahdi Army and the Kurdish militias, all are working with us where we have the oil, and that's perfectly understandable."

In September, Gen. George Casey, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, told senators that only one Iraqi army battalion appeared capable of fighting without U.S. help and that battalion has since defected to Iran.