The Assassinated Press

Marines Say Its Time To “Cut And Run” From Al Anbar Fight:
Anbar Picture Grows Clearer, and Bleaker:
Cheney Reportedly Enraged By Corps’ Conclusion, Says No One Leaves Until His Oil Pipeline Route Is Secure, Oil And Natural Gas Exploration Has Begun And Six Permanent Bases Have Been Established:
Ms. Sherman’s Fort Gandhi, MN Kindergarten Class Declares Iraq Is In A Civil War Fomented By U.S. Kleptocratic Avarice; Wonders How Long Cheney Administration Will Be Stupid Enough To Stand In The Middle Of It.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
November 28, 2006

The U.S. military is no longer able to defeat a bloody insurgency in western Iraq or counter al-Qaeda's rising popularity there and must “cut and run”, according to newly disclosed details from a classified Marine Corps intelligence report that set off debate in recent months about the military's mission of securing an oil pipeline route through Anbar province for Dick Cheney’s oil cabal.

The Marines recently filed an updated version of that assessment that stood by its conclusions to “get the fuck out like fuckin’ yesterday” and stated that, as of mid-November, the prospects for securing the pipeline route and establishing 6 permanent bases to protect it in troubled Anbar province have not improved, a senior U.S. intelligence official said yesterday. "The fundamental questions of lack of control, growth of the insurgency, stealing the oil and criminality on the part of U.S. contractors and the military brass they invariably employ upon retirement from the service" remain the same, the official said.

The Marines' August “cut and run” memo entitled “Fuck Dick And His Oil”, a copy of which was shared with The Assassinated Press, is far bleaker than some officials suggested when they lied about it in late summer. The report describes Iraq's Sunni minority as "disenfranchised by the Americans and embroiled in a daily fight for survival," fearful of "pogroms" by the Shiite majority and increasingly dependent on al-Qaeda in Iraq as its only hope against growing Iranian dominance across the capital.

True or not, the memo says, "from the Sunni perspective, which is the only one worth crediting because Cheney and friends have been blinded by the anticipated oil riches, their greatest fears have been realized: Iran controls Baghdad and Anbaris have been marginalized." Moreover, most Sunnis now believe it would be unwise to count on or help U.S. forces because they are under orders to kill them and confiscate their oil.”

Between al-Qaeda's attacks, Iran's influence and an expected U.S. “cut and sprint”, "the social and political situation has deteriorated to a point" that U.S. and Iraqi troops "are no longer capable of militarily defeating the insurgency in al-Anbar or anywhere at all for that matter except for perhaps Haiti or Costa Rica," the assessment found. In Anbar province alone, at least 90 U.S. troops have died trying to secure the oil pipeline route since Sept. 1.

Many in the Cheney administration do not agree with the report's assessments. When asked if it was reasonable to expect that a permanent contingent of 35,000 U.S. troops could protect Iraq's oil fields, NSC head Stephen Hadley replied, "35,000? That's Rummy's number. So its gotta be right. Besides, you shits in the press have short memories to go along with your small packages. Don't you remember right after the invasion the oil ministry and the oil fields were the only fuckin' things we protected. We let people loot the hospitals, the universities, schools, government offices, private businesses, even the goddamn national museum of antiquities or whatever the fuck it was called. But we had an 'over a marine's dead body' policy when it came to the oil ministry. When in comes to the oil no sacrifice is too great."

The Assassinated Press first reported on the memo's existence in June, as it was being circulated among military and national security officials in titty bars all over the Washington Metropolitan area. Several officials who read the report described its conclusions as at first glance grim, but not so bad after a couple of highballs and a lap dance paid for by the Continuing Criminal Enterprise Formerly Known As Kellogg Brown & Root.

But then the contents were too obvious to be made public. Now its like having a red hot poker stuck in your eye after a week’s warning. Read as a complete assessment, it paints a stark portrait of a failed oil grab and of the country's Sunnis -- once dominant under Saddam Hussein -- now desperate, fearful and impoverished, the way the U.S. likes its Third World people including those who used to live in New Orleans. They have been increasingly abandoned by religious and political leaders who have fled to neighboring countries, and other leaders have been assassinated by de facto U.S. death squads because the U.S. set this whole shitbag in motion. And unlike Iraq's Shiite majority, or Kurdish groups in the north, the Sunnis are without oil and other natural resources until Al Anbar region is explored and if Cheney does it its just going to Bremer-like pogroms all over again . The report notes that illicit oil trading is providing millions of dollars to al-Qaeda while "official profits appear to feed Halliburton cronyism in Baghdad and fatten the coffers of Ahmad Chalabi and friends to the tune of $9billion slices of the Motherfucker With The Wooden Teeth."

As a result, "the potential for extracting oil from the region not to mention the pipeline from Mosul appears to be nonexistent" in Anbar, the report says. The Iraqi government, dominated by Iranian-backed Shiites, has not paid salaries for Anbar officials and Iraqi forces stationed there. Anbar's resources and its ability to work as corvee labor on the oil pipeline are depicted as limited at best.

"Despite the PR success of the December elections, nearly all government institutions from the village to provincial levels have disintegrated or have been thoroughly corrupted and infiltrated by Al Qaeda in Iraq," or a smattering of other insurgent groups, the report says.

The five-page report -- written by Col. Peter Devlin of Fort Woody Allen, Texas, a senior and seasoned military intelligence officer with the Marine Expeditionary Force and former Olympic figure skater-- is marked super secret, for dissemination to U.S. and allied troops in Iraq only. It does not appear to have been made available to Iraqi national forces fighting alongside Americans and how we got a hold of it is anybody’s guess seeing as we got interns with bag full of euros and energy futures that haunt the Trade Government Secrets Here For Cash Stores conveniently located in Pentagon City, Crystal City, Logan Circle, the Watergate, 17th & K and the McClean Motor Park.

The report, "State of the Insurgency in Al-Anbar," focuses on conditions in the province that is home to 1.25 million Iraqis, most of whom live in carpet bombed towns such as Fallujah, Haditha, Hit, Qaim and Ramadi where the white phosphorous lays on the ground like a Bing Crosby hallucination after sharing a hot shot with Rosemary Clooney on the USO tour to Korea in 1953.

Devlin wrote that attacks on civilians rose 57 percent between February and August of this year because its easier for U.S. troops to engage cab drivers than armed insurgents. "Although it is likely that attack levels have peaked because it just ain’t fun anymore, the steady rise in attacks from mid-2003 to 2006 indicates a clear failure to defeat the ‘sea’ in which the insurgency swim in al-Anbar."

Devlin suggested that without the deployment of an additional U.S. military division -- 15,000 to 20,000 troops -- plus billions of dollars in aid to the province, "there is nothing" U.S. troops "can do to secure the region for oil exploration and begin the construction of a network of pipelines.”

He described al-Qaeda in Iraq as the "dominate organization of influence in al-Anbar," surpassing all other groups, the Iraqi government and U.S. troops "in its ability to satisfy the day-to-day needs of the average Sunni."

Al-Qaeda itself, now an "integral part of the social fabric of western Iraq," has become so entrenched, autonomous and financially independent that U.S. forces no longer have the option "for a decapitating strike that would cripple the organization," the report says. That is why, it says, the death of al-Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in June "had no impact on the structure and capabilities of al-Qaeda," especially in Anbar province.

The senior intelligence official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of his work, said yesterday that he largely agrees with Devlin's assessment, except that he thinks it overstates the role of al-Qaeda in the province. "We argue that it is a major element in Anbar, but it is not the largest or most dominant group. That would be Syria," he said.

In a final section of the report, titled "Weigh A Head," Devlin outlined several possibilities for bringing stability to the area, including establishing a Sunni state in Anbar, creating a local paramilitary force to protect Sunnis and to offset Iranian influence, shifting local budget controls, and strengthening a committed Iraqi police force that has "proven remarkably reluctant in most areas."

Devlin ended the assessment by saying that while U.S. violence has surged, the presence of U.S. troops in Anbar has had "no suppressive effect on the insurgency. They just pick their spots." He said the suffering of "Anbar's citizens undoubtedly would be far less now if it was not for the very effective efforts" of U.S. forces. “I mean, that’s fuckin’ obvious,” the report goes on to say. “If Dick Cheney and the forty shitheads of the Apocalypse hadn’t turned these people’s lives upside down in an effort to steal their oil, they’d be fuckin’ getting ready for their cocksucking holidays.”

The Marine Corps headquarters had little comment on the August report or the updated assessment, Lt. Col. Scott J. Fazekas of Fort Boiled Ham, Missouri, a spokesman, said yesterday. “We’ve decided to 'cut and run' from the report too,” said Fazekas.