The Assassinated Press

Energy Task Force, Cheney Administration Propose 'Burning Off' Remnants Of Arctic Ice Shelf:
Move Would Speed Up Oil And Natural Gas Development:
Convenience Stores Make Bid To Preserve And Bag Ice Cap

The Assassinated Press

Reykjavik, Iceland---An accelerating thaw of the Arctic will open vast regions for oil and gas exploration, so major energy companies have been working overtime to create new ways to burn off the ice sheet that covers the polar region.

All this bodes well for oil profits, but they face a daunting adversary in the convenience store industry that wants to bag the polar ice cap and sell the ice in their estimated 148,000 outlets in the U.S.

"Sure, we're pleased with the increase in green house gases that have resulted from our stubborn non-compliance, increased energy usage in countries such as China, and the Cheney administration's willingness to generally drop trou and take some dry hole for a few million bucks," said Exxon/Mobil CEO Lee Raymond. "But some of our guys are losing patients. We want to begin drilling the Arctic like yesterday. I mean, fuck the elk. We got shit that'll drill right through an elk, and when they're all gone they'll just be out of people's consciousness. Shit. Somewhere in here I bring up the jobs bogey. Right?"

"As for Southland and it's 7-Elevens and Pick 'n' Pay, we got them fuckers by the short curlies. Everything from the heating and cooling to their packaging is a petroleum product. We can put the squeeze on them at any time. Christ! Even the fuckin' food is half petrol based. We consider them client states," said. Raymond.

"There are approximately 4,570 trillion $1.69 bags of ice in the polar region. That's 4,555,888 trillion fuckin' slurpees," said 7-Eleven CEO Jim Keyes. That's a fuckin' natural resource in itself. And big oil, in its usual wasteful way, just wants to burn it off. Just imagine what that all that cheap ice to chill beer and preserve road kill could mean to the economy and security of the U.S. Its the short sighted policy of big oil and its friends in government that have created the ripe chili dog fart that is U.S. foreign and economic policy today."

"In a free market economy you are always going to have differing points of view," said Wilbur Paiczeck of the Institute for Greater Global Cooperation and World Economic Stability. "Do we want cheaper cold beer now in exchange for cheaper fuel later. Or do we want cheaper fuel now and chug-a-lug a warm Coors every now and again. The consumer has to decide. This is a democracy. The choice is up to the consumer."

"Let's face it, the polar ice cap has gone from nature to nuisance. Christ! It looks like a heavy snowfall in Brooklyn on the 5th day trimmed with soot and filled with trash. In a few months with a handful of huge hair dryers, we could melt the whole damn mess. Just think, no more soggy mucklucks," offered CEO Lee.

All of this controversy comes on the heels of a study that shows that air has the same effect on the lungs as breathing second hand smoke 24/7. "Actually, given the current particulate content at slightly above sea level, what we breath cannot technically be called 'air' anymore. Its quite something altogether different like an aerosol from the last days ," commented British chemist, Nigel Froth. "I can't wait until nano utterly pervades. Then we'll be walking along and suddenly choke on a nano hair net invisible to the human eye. Those who seek novelty will not want."

But big oil, now that the oil grab in Iraq is irreversible, have no intention of holding back and not flexing their power. Plans are underway to bring the Westinghouse Orbital Mirror out of moth balls. This devise, built at the cost of 4 billion dollars, the same amount spent on the Manhattan project, is a giant magnifying glass, actually a series of them that were to be positioned, at the height of the invasion of Southeast Asia, in the upper atmosphere in such a way as to keep Vietnam in perpetual, highly focused daylight 24 hours a day. As Curtis LeMay once described the plan, "First we'll burn their crops and dry up their rice paddies. If that don't convince the little cocksuckers to give it up, we'll burn all the foliage they use for cover and fodder. If still they want to play insurgent, we'll burn the yellow fuckers until they're a crispie treat for the vultures, the way I used to burn ants when I was a little boy back at Camp Perry."

Meanwhile, Kissinger and Associates have stepped in on behalf of the convenience store industry. Using a technique known as super-luminal kegger transfer, developed by the late coup master and amateur inventor, Vernon Walters, Kissinger and 7-Eleven have hired Bechtel to estimate the cost of moving the entire polar ice cap to a location in North-eastern China along its border with the two Koreas.

Scientists behind an eight-nation report saying the arctic sea ice could almost vanish by 2100 because of global warming said offshore oil and gas operations would be easier, but melting permafrost could destabilize installations on land.

Oil companies are unconvinced. "Who gives a fuck," commented chairman Raymond. "So a fuckin' bear gets a little oil on him or a few dozen workers die. That falls under that jobs bogey shit, don't it. We covered that crap in Cheney's Energy Task Force Report under 'who gives a fuck.' I'd show you, but I wiped my ass with my copy while camping at the Bohemian Grove."