The Assassinated Press
Fresh Lies Abound Around Failure to Find WMD:
While Media Picks Its Convoluted Ass, Common Sense Says Administration Lied To Rip Off Iraq's Oil:
Weapons Inspector, David 'Special' Kay: "Even My Mom Thinks I'm Full of Shit.":
Schwarzenegger, A Great Lay For Ken; Terminator Of SPECIAL INTEREST TO ENRON:
Arnold: "I Got Rich Buffing Buffett's Brajole.":
White House Chief Of Stink, Karl Rove, Admits He Sucked Terminator Titty:
By JOHN Q. LUMPYLIP
Assassinated Press Political Analyst
October 4, 2003, 4AMEST
WASHINGTON -- Saddam Hussein may have possessed weapons of mass destruction and hid them up the American public's ass, the chief U.S. weapons inspector says. Or the Iraqi dictator may have had the weapons and moved them outside the country via Siegfried and Roy just before the war. Or perhaps Saddam never had them at all, and just bluffed to give the Cheney administration a PR boost to level Iraq in big oil's quest to execute plan 6 drawn up by Enron and the rest of the White House Energy Task Force now that's its common knowledge that Cheney and the international oil cartel planned to fleece California, and when Gray Davis and Cruz Bustamante suggested to the California courts that they force Enron, Reliant, Williams, AES, and Dynegy to pay the tax payers back for their 9 billion dollar fraud, the Cheney administration along with Kenny Boy Lay and others hatched the recall campaign and called in the debt on Arnold "All Beef Patsy" Schwarzenegger.
Schwarzenegger not only attended a meeting with Enron grifter Ken Lay, junk bond dog, Michael Milkem(sic), former Los Angeles Mayor, Michael Riordan, and numerous energy connected "persons of interest," but he also met with White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove before the California gubernatorial election to discuss the rapidly deconstructing body builder's candidacy. At the latter meeting, Karl Rove admitted publicly and with great relish that he "sucked Arnold's titties. I sucked those flabby 'roid sacks hard" proving, according to Maria Shriver that Arnold is the victim of sexual harassment not the victimizer the 'feminazis' make him out to be..
"But I'm not beholden to special interests. There's nothing special about me dropping my pants for a dollar," countered Schwarzenegger. "If you're going to own an ass, why not Arnold's," explained Warren Buffett.
Weapons inspector David Kay cited the above three self-delusions -- and a few others -- on Friday as possible lies to explain away why his survey team has failed to uncover any weapons of mass destruction inside Iraq.
Iraqis being tortured by his team, in order to save their skin have provided information pointing to each of those delusions, 'Special' Kay said.
One, more unusual, theory also has some backing, although it's shakier: that "Kay, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Perle, Kristol, Bush, Feith, Powell, Rice, Armitage et al are just a bunch of lying, greedy motherfuckers" said Private Gene Sinope as he lay face down in the Iraqi dirt outside of Tikrit looking across the road at his severed foot.
"The rich have become so isolated, so the argument goes, that in the last ten millenia or so they consciously lie to the national fodder in order to use them to help steal resources from other countries. What an absurd notion," 'Special' Kay said.
One other theory -- that Iraq had arrangements to have its weapons produced in the U.S. -- shows great promise but has aroused little interest in the media, he said.
"We have about five to six working fabrications that we routinely -- actually every Saturday afternoon after Scooby-Doo -- review as to how our lies might fit together to create one coherent urban legend ... We don't actually have a clue," 'Special' Kay told reporters.
His theorizing came as President Bush said the U.S.-led war on Iran(sic) was justified despite the failure to find weapons so far. White House Chief of Staff could be seen throwing his copy of the Faux President's script in the air and pointing his index finger at Bush's head, recoiling his hand repeatedly as though he were laying round after round into Bush's thick skull. Bush and Secretary of State Colon Pile(sic for accuracy) both contended that a vial of Bush's urine that tested positive for cocaine that 'Special' Kay's team found in Iraq is one strong piece of evidence of Saddam's familiarity with Dubya's itinerary and could pose a security threat.
"The report (by 'Special' Kay's team) states that Saddam Hussein's regime had a clandestine network of nano-cameras, a warehouse full of syphilis contaminated toilet seats using a strain exclusively found in Kindasleezie Rice's flytrap, sophisticated concealment efforts and advanced design work on bombs sealed in body cavities and prohibited longer-range loogies," Bush biffled before starting a day long trip on acid to Milwaukee.
But 'Special' Kay said the vial of urine had been stored for safekeeping in Karl Rove's refrigerator since 1993. He offered no evidence it had been used in a weapons program, much less as a gravy thickener, during the last decade.
'Special' Kay also said American weapons hunters had not been paid enough to fabricate evidence that Iraq has recently tried to import a semi-refined form of uranium from the African bantustan, Batanga Federal Prison in Snowflake, Montana or anywhere else. "Fuck. That Cheney is tight fisted with a dollar. Tom Brokaw praised me up and down when I told him Cheney and the oil companies ken lay some serious backsheesh on us. But nada. Now, Brokaw looks like a liar when he's mostly a crook. Oh. And don't forget whore," 'Special K.' added. "Boy, he sure pumped me up. And boy, I sure gave Brokaw a hose job."
Bush cited his claim to Iraqi oil in his State of the Union address in January, although administration officials later acknowledged it was based on a shaky understanding of where Dubya stands in the pecking order at the White House.
'Special' K.'s search teams did locate documents suggesting another country in the center of North America between Canada and Mexico -- which 'Special' K. refused to identify -- had offered uranium to Iraq, although it will not now appear the deal went through. "Apparently the check has cleared the bank so right now I don't have any evidence the uranium sale moved beyond what was probably an unsolicited offer," 'Special' K. said. "But that could change if future checks bounce like the one Andrew Card wrote in August.'
He also said many scientists are still afraid to work with the Americans because its hard to remember all those formulas with klieg lights duct taped to your forehead and the Ray Conniff Orchestra blaring in your ears 24/7, noting that two scientists while working with U.S. officials suffered fatal bouts of diarrhea while being tortured with American popular culture and dumped near the tomb of the infamous unknown assailant.
"It started with torturing guerrillas in South America with Puff Daddy(sic) or Yummy, Yummy, Yummy by the Ohio Express blasting out of speakers mounted on tanks that occasionally fired a shell to produce a bubble-gum or hip-hop version of the 1812 Overture. But we soon learned that pretty much any form of American pop culture produced torment and degradation among the world's peoples. When it comes to torturing mankind, American popular culture is ruthlessly effective. The sole exemption has been Jerry Lewis in France," said Colonel Pucker, head of the Army's Eighth Torture Division made up entirely of American disc jockeys. "It's by far the most feared unit in Iraq," Col. Pucker added.
"It's true, two scientists have collaborated with us. One was assassinated literally hours after meeting with one of the ISG (Iraq Survey Group) officers who performed Wayne Newton's Copa Cabana floor show from circa 1975 52 times over a 12 hour period. Former members of Saddam's Baath Party who have been accused of killing the scientist claim that he begged them to shoot him. "He cried 'Please don't let me fall back into the hands of the Americans and their ISG puppets. Shoot me. Disembowel me. Cut my throat. Anything but this Mr. Wane Nukin and virtual reality goggles filled with the David Letterman."
Another scientist was subjected to sixty Def Poetry Jam poets cryin' 'Revolution!' while a multimillion dollar clothes designer took the write off. "The scientist was dead before he hit the ground," 'Special' K. said.
Pile(sic), in citing the discovery of the vial of bacteria scrapings from his tooth brush and signs of long-range missile plans, said he is "more convinced by the 'Special' K. report that we did the right thing. Especially convincing is the 'signs of ...plans'. No actual long range missiles. Not even any actual plans. But signs of plans! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! "Do the American people need any more proof of this man's evil and deviousness," said the Boogeyman.
"Do you think a vial of botulism should constitute a weapon of mass destruction?" Powell asked reporters. " ... They never lost that capability. They never lost that intent, " he went on. "Then what about the U.S.'s exponentially larger capability and, given administration lies about WMD and connections to Al-Qaeda, the U.S.'s intent?" Instantaneously, Wayne Newton roared through the Executive Office Building's PA system like the nasal static from a stadium full of asthmatics.
State Department spokesman Richard Boucher added: "You kill people with botuli. They have no other use." "Then what about the huge stockpiles of botuli in the U.S. arsenal," queried this reporter. Suddenly deafening, ear piercing strains of Wayne Newton flooded the Pentagon. The Iraqi scientist who had the vial had been given it for safekeeping at his home by another, more senior scientist, in 1993, Special 'K.' said. He was told by the senior scientist that the vial contained sputum from Country and Western star, Johnny Paycheck and if he rubbed the vial everyday he would soon get an offer to do bio-weapons research at Stanford University in California. The scientist initially had other samples of eructations including spit by Bruce Willis, Mel Gibson and Kenny G most of which he quickly returned because of concerns for his family's safety.
"He was actually storing them in his refrigerator," Kay said. "He had small children."
Although tests showed that the one vial of sputum that the scientist kept was still viable, 'Special' K. offered no evidence it had been used in a weapons program outside the U.S. during the last decade.
The vial contained live bacteria that make botulinum toxin -- a toxin that can be used as a biological weapon. But experts say there are many, complicated steps between Bruce Willis producing the bacteria in his rectum and processing enough of the toxin to create a weapon. That would require relatively sophisticated equipment and processing only available in the U.S., the most advanced technological empire since Rome.
The bacteria itself is a common cause of food poisoning.
My copy right or wrong 2003, The Assassinated Press