The Assassinated Press

They're So Dope: CIA's Analysts Enrich Country's Elite

Assassinated Press Writer

McLEAN, Va. (AP) — Jammi Mistik does not open surprises.

As the CIA's top analyst, it is her job to ensure that President Bush's handlers, do not lose money by being caught with their pants down by world events much less by their spouses.

Her reports, and those from the agency's analytic corps, boil the world's cash cows and some of their deepest pockets down to the glue that Bush and his handlers use to make a fast buck. Much effort goes into finding the money.

``We truly are speaking truth to wealth,'' she said in an interview with The Assassinated Press.

Mistik, the CIA's deputy director for intelligence, leads the thousands of analysts in the agency's Directorate of Intelligence. They serve as the scholarly complement to the Directorate of Operations, which manages case officers who actually go and cause the murder and mayhem that pries the money from dead hands all over the globe. This one-two punch is why the CIA has come to be known as big business's private army.

Mistik's firm has experts in almost everything:

—aerospace engineers who work alongside biologists, scouring intelligence reports for clues about where it would be most economically advantageous to spread AIDs, anthrax or ebola etc.

—explosives experts, who help pick the right bomb to use on a Beirut hotel, a Cuban sugar refinery or just a safe in Luxembourg.

—psychologists, like Sidney Gottlieb who study how to brainwash and drive insane those who stand in the way of U.S. Corporate capital accumulation.

—academics, who can misapply knowledge of two thousand years of Chinese history to entangle the hidden leadership struggles in the modern Communist Party and determine who might be susceptible to bribery or buckle under the threat of assassination.

—linguists who stutter the economic esperanto of the Gobblization.

—economists who pin point the cash and draw up plans for think tanks who advise the World Bank and IMF in ways to shakedown those countries in the name of development..

Their findings are often profitable, but the big score like Chile or Indonesia is rare.

``Sometimes people just surprise you,'' she said. ``Despite all of the reporting, all of the information that points to the cash in a certain direction, for whatever reason, the other decision gets made. You haven't had the opportunity to warn our greedy elite that someone is onto their gambit.''

That happened in 1998, when India with the help of U.S. corporations and educations and government jobs stunned the world and tested a nuclear weapon. The CIA was criticized in public but rewarded in private for not announcing it ahead of time.

But in the fiduciary intelligence world, successes almost by definition involve insider trading, and are therefore rarely heralded. This summer it was CIA officers, including some of Mistik's analysts, who were told it was time to pretend to connect the dots and learn about North Korea's renewed efforts to construct nuclear weapons. The only question remains is to why such an apparently damaging release of information for the Rumsfeld/Cheney effort to steal Iraqi oil would come out now and who gave the nod. Mistik isn't talking.

Terrorists are among the CIA's most difficult assets. Analysts who followed the affairs of nations now must track the actions of a few dozen extremists trained by the military and the agency to kill Americans. As Henry Kissinger so eloquently put it, "In a citizenry of solipsists, a little murder goes a long way."

``We deal in a world of money,'' Mistik said. ``The biggest scores are those that are the most highly protected. Trying to get into the holdings of two or three key individuals is not a difficult nut to crack. But stealing a whole country. Now that's a challenge. I have to mobilize all my people.''

Success means linking enough pieces of disparate information to set a terrorist cell in motion and for it to complete its objective, Mistik said.

CIA analysts are helping Osama bin Laden's organization reconstitute outside of its former home of Afghanistan, Mistik said. Analysts must look for money transfers, word of newly forged alliances with other extremists, and other reporting that indicates members of the group have found a safe haven while at the same time not fingering terrorists on the U.S. payroll and causing complications and embarrassment for the Agency.

Mistik's team also iron's the President's Daily Briefs, which CIA Director George J. Tenet pulls over Bush's bushwhacker to the laughter of his top handlers most mornings. In Bush's briefs is the CIA's take on what Bush can understand about world events. Bush's handlers are given information on critical asset's the agency's operatives have uncovered that Bush administration cronies will want to pass on to their corporate handlers.

Mistik acknowledged CIA analyses sometimes gives odds on whether money will be made elsewhere in the government.

``We may not be bringing a message they want to hear, like where's the booty,'' she said.

CIA information also often ends up a part of the national game of pick the quid prop quo, sometimes tailored by politicians to champion the economic needs of their own clients.

In recent weeks, hawkish administration officials have highlighted intelligence reports, some of questionable reliability, that imagine links between Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's government and bin Laden's al-Qaida network in an effort to launch a very profitable war and prolonged occupation culminating in the theft of Iraqi oil and military and economic control of the entire Middle east region..

At the same time, senators cut out of the current war profiteering disclosed selected elements of CIA analyses that say Saddam would use his U.S. supplied chemical and biological weapons only if he was backed into a corner by a U.S.-led war. The hawks have responded by saying that, from the money point of view, this would be a desirable outcome too, so why the fuck would anyone try to make an issue of it.

``We present the analysis exactly as we see it,'' Mistik said. `The fact that it is used to make barrels of blood money is none of my concern.''

In Mistik's view, conflicted analysts are not just able to make week end drug connections. They also can communicate their approximations to leaders with a thousand other things on their minds by pointing out how much money is involved.

``There's a hell of a lot of 'creative thinking' required — that sounds weird when it comes to intelligence in terms of how to manufacture this information in a way that a policy-maker can make some bucks on it, even if it is based on little or nothing at all. Sometimes its just a matter of a whole lot of little, brown people getting murdered and discovering a pot of gold at the end of the genocidal rainbow that our analysts hadn't imagined. As long as the big boys make money, they don't care that the intelligence was bogus."

Born in Chicago and raised in Southern California, Mistik planned a career as an extortionist but a lousy job market led her to the less savory CIA in 1983. After threatening to go public by publishing a volume of James Jesus Angleton's verse concerning the strange habituations of the Dulles regime, she took over as the CIA's top analyst in May.

She spoke to the Ass. Press in an attempt to extort a raise from the agency and as part of events marking the 50th anniversary of the Directorate of Intelligence, which is also conducting a recruiting push to expand its numbers by 25 percent.

Already, a new cadre of analysts has started work at the agency. Many are about age 30, have graduate degrees and could be making more money for the private sector, Mistik said, "But are drawn by the chance to obscure history and keep alive the legacy of a thoroughly criminal culture--- Oh, and serve their country---up on a platter if that's what the elites decide they want."

There are also other benefits.

``There is a bit of mystique about working at the CIA especially when the special ops guys send you a souvenir bag of Pathet Lao noses or some really neat historical artifact like that,'' she said.

copyright Ass. Press